


Down the Rabbit Hole

by Redlightsdistrict



Category: Love Island (Video Game)
Genre: AU, Alcohol, Angst, BDSM, Dark, Depression, Dominance, Dysfunctional Relationships, Eating Disorders, F/M, Homosexuality, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Institutions, Mild S&M, OOC, Psychotropic Drugs, Self-Destruction, Smut, Suicide Attempt, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:47:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 65,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24726982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redlightsdistrict/pseuds/Redlightsdistrict
Summary: “And what’s your name, new girl?” he asked softly, his voice so alluring that she’d jumped into a fucking rabbit hole if he asked her to.“Alice.”He cocked his eyebrows and bent over a small coffee table to bring his face closer to her.“Welcome to Wonderland, Alice.”🖤 ON BREAK 🖤
Relationships: Kassam/Main Character (Love Island), Lucas Koh/Main Character (Love Island)
Comments: 401
Kudos: 157





	1. We're all mad here.

**Author's Note:**

> 🍂 It’s a darkfic. Check tags every chapter, as there will be more added as the story progresses.
> 
> ♠️ Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5aWH9ADmSk1jSFiuU3ircA?si=hT_m7pP8TXicMGF2VjYdDA
> 
> 🖤 Find me on:  
> Insta: booksandreveries  
> Reddit: redlightsdistrict  
> Discord: Kat/redlightsdistrict#0642

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Little Alice fell down the hole,  
> bumped her head and bruised her soul.”

_Newcastle,_

_October 20, 2007_

A gust of cold, cutting wind grabbed a bunch of dead leaves and threw it into the girl’s face, blinding her for a moment. She spitted out a strand of hair that got caught in her mouth and took a puff, trying to ignore how shaky her fingers were. The light at the end of a cigarette went off. She swore under her breath and flicked a cheap lighter she’d got along with a brick of cigarettes this morning.

It was around eleven in the evening, and it was dark as hell as she walked down an alley with not even a single working streetlight. She was only wearing a black long-sleeved tight-fitting mini dress, black tights, and high-heeled leather boots, also black, and she was freezing.

It’s been raining all day, and the air smelled of petrichor and fallen leaves and weed, even though there was no one else around. She picked up her pace as she heard distant sounds of the music.

A few moments later, she saw a large neon sign.

_Wonderland_

She flipped her long, dark-brown hair over her shoulder and confidently approached a large two-story brick building.

It was dark and smelled of alcohol, cigarettes, and something sickeningly sweet, like a cheap perfume or one of those sugary donuts you can get five for one pound. Losing confidence with each step she made, girl moved down the narrow corridor, guided by increasing music volume.

Finally, she was standing before another door, and her heart was pounding out of her chest.

She’d never been to a place like this before, let alone, on her own. She’d never been to a rave, she’d never been in the same place with so many drunk and stoned people, moving hastily to the music, grinding on strangers, and almost having sex right on the dancefloor.

She spotted a bar just on the left from her and made her way over there, avoiding being touched and failing miserably. Suddenly, it was too hot, too loud, too much, and she felt her breath stutter in her throat. She ran her fingers through her hair and leaned against the bar, desperate to find a purchase on something as her knees went weak from emotional overload.

“Can I get cranberry vodka, please?”

Bartender, a guy just a couple of years older than her, gave her a studying look. “Never seen you here before. What’s your name, pretty?”

“It’s Alice. I just moved here recently.”

He glided a glass over the bar and nodded.

“Well, welcome to Wonderland, Alice. Seems like the White Rabbit is already here.” He nodded at the stage, and Alice followed his gaze.

The stage was essentially a balcony above the dancefloor with just enough space for the turntables and two slim people. Right now, there was just one person, a guy, Alice assumed: that person was wearing a large fluffy rabbit head.

He was dressed in all black, and when the spotlight moved to his arms, she spotted a few tattoos, all in black ink. He had a delicate frame, but he seemed very… in control. He was the king of this place, and he knew it. The crowd went crazy, yelling and waving and blowing on their LED whistles as he raised his hand, greeting his subjects.

Never in her life, she listened to music like this. Slow, sultry, heavy, and dark. Her insides felt like liquid fire, and she bottomed her glass in a few long swigs and tapped on a side to repeat. When the bartender refilled her glass, she threw it back even faster than the first one and tossed a few crunched banknotes at the bar.

Her vision was blurred from all the smoke and flashing lights, and her head was spinning from drinking on an empty stomach. Alice moved through the crowd, bumping into hot sweaty bodies, and she couldn’t shake off this feeling that someone’s been watching her – but she couldn’t catch the gazer.

Finally, she found a spot between two groups of people, just a tiny bit of free space that she needed to dance without accidentally touching anyone, and started moving.

At first, her motions were stiff, as if her body was a rusty mechanism that hadn’t been used for years, and now could barely function. Slowly, she ran her hands up her thighs, tracing their path to the sides of her body, outlining each and every curve of it, and then stretch her arms above her head. Her hips were caught in a slow, sultry beat, swaying from side to side, making her entire body move along.

Slowly, the tension buildup started leaving her body, and Alice closed her eyes, letting the music drift her away.

This was her new life.

Her chance to start fresh, escape everything she knew before… _everyone_ she knew before. She was too young to have this much baggage, to feel like she’d lived hundreds of years and had seen it all. Sometimes, it felt like there was nothing left to discover, nothing new to feel, no words to learn, and no life left to live...

And so, she ran away. Literally. She only took her carry-on, threw there a few clothes and her old drawing album and a pencil, and left her parents’ house in Kensington.

And for already two days she lived in a funky cheap motel somewhere in the middle of hell’s hole called Cowgate. The owner hadn’t even checked her ID, just asked to pay for a week in advance.

She was short on cash but had to do it anyway, since she knew not a single soul in this town, and couldn’t explain even to herself why she was here in the first place. She could’ve picked any city or town in the country, yet, she came here, to this godforsaken place, and now, she was surrounded by a party crowd she felt nothing but disgust towards.

 _This_ was her life now. Just the life of a normal girl who dropped out of Uni and will waste her life on parties, liquor, and bad lovers. _This_ is what she’d dreamt of being stuck in her perfect little world for all these years, right? This is what she traded her old life for.

Through the haze of her own thoughts, Alice barely registered that someone’s hands wrapped around her body, and only snapped out of her trance when she felt a hand sliding up her thighs.

“Get off of me!” Her face twitched in disgust as she snapped her eyes open and saw a face just inches away from hers.

A tall, deep-skinned man was in front of her, grinning.

“Hey, sweetie.”

“I said, get lost,” Alice pushed her hands against his chiseled chest, trying to push him away from herself, but her attempts went in vain.

She was pretty average in height and wasn’t really sporty, so she had nothing on this six something feet tall, ripped guy who looked like he’d spent most of his years lifting stuff than at school.

“Aren’t we having a great time?”

His hands slipped up her hips and gripped on her waist, painful enough to keep her still.

“Are you slow or something? Get rid or I'll…”

“Or you do what, sweetie?” His grin became darker as he lowered his face to Alice. “No one here cares about anything. I can do whatever I want to you, and no one would care.”

Suddenly, someone’s hand pulled the guy away from Alice, and she spotted a petite goth girl with long pink hair and multiple tattoos and piercings.

“What the fuck, Noah?!” The pink-haired girl looked absolutely pissed off. “Do I need to get you kicked out of this place?”

“Yeah, right,” Noah laughed sarcastically. “Just because Hope _lets_ your boyfriend pretend that he runs this place, it doesn’t suddenly mean that you got a say in anything.”

“This place wouldn’t even exist without Kas, everyone knows it,” Pink-haired girl finally released Noah’s shoulder and waved dismissively at him. “Now, get the fuck out of my sight.”

“I’ll see you around, sweetie,” He gave Alice a morbid grin and disappeared into the crowd.

Finally, the goth girl looked at Alice and frowned.

“Don’t mind this guy, he’s a prick.”

“Yeah, figures.”

“I’m Charlotte, by the way, but no one calls me that ‘cos they’re all lazy fucks.”

“I’m Alice,” Dark-haired girl gave her a wry smile.

“Very appropriate,” Charlotte smirked to herself and pointed somewhere around them. “I haven’t seen you here before.”

“I just moved to Newcastle two days ago.”

This was by far the longest conversation she had in the past several days, and the only friendly face she’d seen ever since she left London. Charlotte looked a few years older Than her, maybe 24-25, and Alice wondered who her boyfriend was that she could scare off that Noah douche.

“Where you’re staying?”

“Raven’s Head Inn.”

The pink-haired girl huffed in disgust.

“No one should stay there. It’s a rubbish dump.”

“Well, it’s all I could effort,” Alice shrugged. “And it was the owner who told me about this place.”

Charlotte just waved her hand dismissively, grazing her lower lip between her teeth.

“You can stay at my place. I share house with a few other people. We have a spare room, and the rent is pretty low.”

Surprised, Alice looked at the other girl.

“I-I don’t know… I mean, I just met you and…”

“Don’t be a wet blanket. Or you’d prefer to get stuck in that Cowgate hole?”

Goth girl was right, and Alice nodded.

“Thank you… I really appreciate this. I hope your roommates won’t be against me. And your boyfriend, of course.”

Charlotte gave her a strange look and shook her head.

“Kas and I… it’s complicated. And we don’t live together. I live with two other girls and my best friend, he’s gay, so don’t worry about that.”

“Oh,” Alice blushed. “He doesn’t mind you tell people that he’s… you know?”

“A fag?” Charlotte laughed, shaking her head. “Nah, he gives no shit what people think about him. Plus, it’s pretty obvious… but you’ll see him soon anyway. C’mon, let’s find a piece of paper and I’ll write down my address for you. Go grab your stuff from the hotel and come round tomorrow morning.”

They both moved through the crowd until they were in the back rooms, cut off from the main space by a thick brick wall. It was suddenly easier to breathe and the music seemed like a distant noise. Alice followed the pink-haired girl through the corridors until they stopped before the last door.

“It’s Kas’ green room,” Charlotte explained. “Wait for me here while I find something to write with at the office.”

Left alone, Alice crushed on the couch, realizing just now how tensed her body was all this time. Her eye fell close as she leaned her head against the wall, barely registering the space around her. She was broken and tired and scared beyond any limits. Terrified.

She had no idea who she was, or where the life was about to take her, or even what to do. Where do you start living a new life when the hardest decision that you’d ever got to make, was a choice between ‘eggshell’ and ‘champagne’ wallpaper color?

She was completely clueless, this scared little girl, too sad to cry and too coddled to have any idea of how the real world works. Too depressed to even understand she’s not well, and too much of a control freak to give into this black cloud living inside of her head.

Alice was on the verge of falling asleep when a quiet, snarky voice jerked her awake.

“Did you break into my green room to have a nap?”

She snapped her eyes open: a large rabbit face was staring at her with its dead eyes. Alice had to shake her head to focus her vision before looking back at who-or what-ever was talking to her.

“Well?”

Finally, he took off the rabbit head, and his piercing blue eyes locked with her silver-gray. He had ink-black messy hair with longer strands falling onto his forehead and eyes, pierced lip and ears, and his arms were covered with multiple tattoos.

“I’m waiting for Charlotte,” She managed to reply, hypnotized by his gaze that seemed to go through her skin, wrenching her insides.

“So, what’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?” He asked softly, and she almost choked on air at the tone of his voice, so alluring that she’d jumped into a fucking rabbit hole if he asked her to.

“I just moved here,” She replied through the lump in her throat.

“And what’s your name, new girl?”

“Alice.”

He cocked his eyebrows and bent over a small coffee table to bring his face closer to hers.

“Well, hello Alice. Welcome to Wonderland.”

The door flew open, making Alice almost jump out of her skin. Charlotte braced herself into the room, she was all buzzing with the nervous energy, and it was obvious even to Alice that the goth girl was high. Some of Alice’s friends tried smoking weed but this girl looked like she took something else, something that made her movements sharp and abrupt, and her speech fast and barely understandable.

“Herestheadress,” She shoved a piece of paper into Alice’s hands and then turned to the DJ. “Cha doin’ h’re?”

“Just getting to know your new friend, bunny.”

“Sh’s off l’mits.”

“Oh, is that so?” The dark-haired man shot Alice a curious look. “We’ll see about that.”

Alice frowned, uncomfortable with the entire encounter. This girl was too high to control herself, and her boyfriend or whoever it was didn’t seem to care much. Alice walked over the coffee table and looked into Charlotte’s wild eyes.

“You okay? Do you need me to take you home?”

“She’ll be fine,” Blue eyes looked at her just a tad cynically. “Don’t worry about her, she can take anything.”

His last words hung heavily in the air between them, as he studied her intently.

“’mfine, do’t w’rry,” Charlotte mumbled and gave Alice’s shoulder a painful squeeze. “C’ya t’morr’w, kay?”

Alice nodded and looked helplessly around.

“I don’t know where’s the exit.”

“Walk ‘er out,” Goth girl elbowed the DJ, and he rolled his eyes. “I’llbe up’strs.”

He put his rabbit head back on and waved at the door.

“After you, my lady,” He said mockingly, letting her out first.

They walked down the corridors in silence, until the music became louder, and Alice spotted the flashlights coming from beneath one of the doors.

“See you around, Alice.”

He already turned round to leave when she caught him by the hand.

“Wait! What’s your name? You never said your name.”

He was silent for a second and then chuckled quietly.

“You can call me the White Rabbit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like this story, leave comments and kudos, it means the world♥️
> 
> Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5aWH9ADmSk1jSFiuU3ircA?si=hT_m7pP8TXicMGF2VjYdDA


	2. I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.

_Newcastle,_

_October 21, 2007_

Her head was splitting in half with pain. Alice couldn’t sleep through the night, haunted by the sounds of an old, creaky building that seemed to be trying to drive her insane with all the noises. Finally, the skies lightened up, changing from black to dark, stormy grey, and she let out a breath of relief.

Alice avoided looking into a dusty, cracked mirror as she brushed her teeth and washed her face. She searched her suitcase for a hairbrush and ran it through her messy, wild curls and considered using a straightener but just gathered her hair into a high ponytail with a few strands framing her face. She was so tired from not sleeping for the second night in a row, she was afraid she might accidentally burn herself.

She looked around the room to make sure she didn’t leave any of her stuff behind and quickly changed from her pajama into a beige off-shoulder cashmere sweater and black skinny jeans and boots. She needed to call a cab, but the phone in her room wasn’t working and she couldn’t use her cellphone if she didn’t want to get tracked down.

Buying a new sim-card was on the list but she didn’t know how to buy one without showing her ID, and her silver flip phone was just tossed on the bottom of her suitcase.

Alice grabbed her bag and walked out of the room, hesitantly. Charlotte’s house was somewhere in the suburbs, and there was no way she could walk there, and she was too scared to hail for a random car to pick her up – so, she needed to ask the owner to call her a cab.

When she got back from the club last night, he gave her such an odd look, she could still feel it on her skin, and it made her feel dirty.

Alice shook the memory off and walked down the corridor.

The owner wasn’t around but his phone was right there, on the counter, and Alice grabbed it quickly along with one of the business cards that said, ‘car service’. The call took just half a minute even though the operator had to ask her to repeat her address because she was whispering and he couldn’t catch her words.

She left the keycard on the counter and left without looking back.

Immediately, her skin prickled with goosebumps as she stepped out into the morning air. She was in desperate need of a cheap jacket since she was stupid enough not to take one of her coats when she left home. She sucked as a runaway, and this was just a cherry on top of the ‘all-things-that-Alice-fucked-up’ cake.

Finally, a black cab stopped before her, and Alice climbed into the backseat and blurted Charlotte’s address through her chattering teeth.

About half an hour later, car stopped in front of a two-story house, surrounded by tall maple trees. It looked so normal, Alice had to check the address: just to make sure this isn’t a wrong street or something.

“Thank you,” She paid and grabbed her suitcase, almost tripping as she climbed out of the cab.

Alice walked slowly down the driveway, looking around. This house looked like any other house in the suburbs, cute and really, _really_ normal. She couldn’t imagine someone like Charlotte or her weird boyfriend living in a place like this.

“She said they’re not living together,” Alice reminded herself quietly and frowned: she was already weird enough, talking to herself would be too much.

Hesitantly, she brushed her knuckles against the door, not sure if it’s appropriate to use the doorbell at eight-thirty in the morning.

The door flew open, and the pink-haired girl pulled her inside.

“Oh god! What are you wearing, it’s a fucking freezer out there!”

Charlotte grabbed Alice by the hand and rushed her into the kitchen. For someone after a wild night out, she looked pretty perky and well-rested.

“How do you feel?” Alice asked the older girl.

“Cool as a fucking cucumber,” Charlotte laughed and poured Alice some coffee. “Okay, I’ve got to leave now, you have some breakfast and then go upstairs, third door on the right, it’s the corner room. It’s a bit smaller but the windows are huge, I think you’ll love it. Others won’t be up for a few hours, so feel free to snoop around.”

Goth girl gave her a brief hug and added:

“Oh, I’m so stupid. Give me your phone, I’ll put down my number.”

Alice’s face flushed red.

“Um, I-I don’t have a phone… I mean, I need to buy a new sim-card. But… I can’t use my ID, and I don’t know how to get one without it.”

Charlotte studied her for a moment.

“I’ll take care of that. For now, if you need me, just ask one of the lazy fuckers upstairs for my number. We don’t have a home number here, so just use one of their cellphones… Okay, gotta go!”

She gave Alice a brief peck on a cheek and disappeared.

Alice drank her coffee slowly, enjoying sudden warmth and calmness, and then grabbed her suitcase and walked upstairs, trying not to make any sounds. Second floor was barely lit with the gloomy morning light coming from a small window at the end of the corridor, and Alice almost tripped twice before she reached the last door.

She pushed it open, prepared to see almost anything.

It was just a simple room in peach and beige tones, with a heavy double bed with metal open-frame headboard, little vanity, pouf chair, and a nightstand. Charlotte was right: the room was small but even though it was cloudy outside, it was well-lit.

Alice left her suitcase by the bed and walked up to the window. Grey skies made everything look a bit surreal, like in a weird afternoon haze, when you’re half-awake but still seem to be having a dream, and can’t tell what’s real and what’s just a part of your twisted subconscious. It was the last house on the street, and from her window, Alice could see some kind of a field and distant trees.

Her eyes were heavy, now, when she was finally warm and felt somewhat safe, her body was finally ready to get the sleep it desperately needed.

She sat down on the bed and started unpacking just to keep her mind from wandering. Now, without the adrenaline rush, she saw herself crystal clear: a pathetic loser. Someone so weak, they had to run away instead of dealing with the problem. Someone so fucked-up, they deserved no better than a small dusty room in a house full of strangers.

Alice clenched her nails into her forearm, forcing her brain to focus on physical pain, a trick she’d learned years ago, a trick that was the reason she wore pants and long-sleeved shirts during summer. Finally, her mind stopped spinning, and she focused on unpacking. Alice didn’t have much stuff with her, which turned out a good thing: the closet was barely existent.

She threw her sketch album and pencils on the vanity along with a black eye pencil, mascara, and blood-red lipstick. Finally, she reached a secret compartment on the bottom and fished out a small velvet pouch. There were a few rings and necklaces and rubber-band banks, and Alice took a few fifty-pound notes before hiding the pouch back in the suitcase.

With her foot, she shoved the bag under the bed and flopped on her back, staring at the ceiling.

She wished she knew what to do next.

She didn’t think this part through. She just needed to get out of that house and run as far away as possible - and so she did. But now, she had no idea how to live her new life.

Her thoughts returned back to last night. The club, its dark, narrow corridors seemed like a distant memory, like it didn’t happen to her. That guy in a rabbit’s head seemed like a product of a feverish dream, not a real person.

“Kas”, she remembered. It couldn’t be his actual name, could it?

She remembered the way his cold, piercing blue eyes stared at her as if he could see right through her skin and bones. Like he knew all her deepest secrets, worst fears, and darkest desires. Everything inside of her told Alice that he was dangerous, and she should stay away from him, for her own sake.

A sudden loud noise from the corridor caught her attention, and she sat up on the bed just in time to spot a brown-skinned guy with dreadlocks, stumbling into a bathroom across from her room. He didn’t bother clothing the door, and Alice had to cover her ears not to hear him.

Her cheeks flushed red as she contemplated whether she should just close the door to her room.

Before she decided, he walked out of the bathroom and stopped before the open door, staring at Alice. Now, when she took a better look at him, she realized that his ears, nose, and eyebrow were pierced, his arms were tattooed, and his nails painted black.

“Oi, ye mist be Alice,” He yawned and walked into her room. “A'm Bobby.”

His thick Scottish accent caught Alice off-guard, and she unconsciously leaned forward as if it could help her to understand him better.

“You’re Charlotte’s best friend, right?” She remembered that the pink-haired girl mentioned him last night and blushed, not sure if she should tell him she knows he’s gay.

In London, it wasn’t a rare thing but none of her friends was gay, and she didn’t want to say something wrong.

“Aye, me 'n' Lottie've bin mukkers sin ah moved 'ere ten years ago,” Bobby flopped on the bed, staring at Alice studyingly. “Whit's yer story?”

Alice almost laughed: her story wasn’t the one anyone writes books about.

“I just… needed a fresh start.”

“'n' you'd moved fae London tae this dump?” Bobby threw his head back, laughing. “Lassie, come up wi' a better lie if yi'll waant tae mak' it sound less… implausibly,” He pronounced the last word with his best attempt at RP.

Her cheeks and neck went an even deeper shade of red, and Alice got up to her feet and stopped before the window, staring outside. It wasn’t a lie, she really just needed to restart her life like a fucking computer – she just couldn’t really tell him _why_ she felt that need.

“Well, Bobby, maybe you should show me with your own example, how to make stories sound believable,” She turned to him, locking their eyes. “You’re from Scotland, obviously, so why are you here?”

Amused, he chuckled and leaned against the pillows, as if preparing to give a long speech.

“Weel, git duin tae hear a stoory o' Bobby's lee, wee lassie. Thare wis a king in a kingdom 'n' his bonny young guidwife. She gave birth tae a bawherr laddie wha wis cried prince Roibeárd.”

Alice’s eyes widened as she listened to this weird guy, barely able to follow his narrative, trudging through his accent as if it was quicksand.

Bobby chuckled at her dumb expression and continued in English, his accent barely audible now.

“Mah mom was fifteen years younger than mah father, she was eighteen when thay’ve met. It happened when she went to Glasgow fur singing competition. She got pregnant, and thay got married. Surprise, plot twist – ‘twas a boy. Yours truly,” He bowed theatrically, bending over the bed. “Mah nan was against that marriage, she wanted mom to come back home, to Newcastle.”

“So, you’re from here?”

Alice pressed hands against the windowsill and braced herself up so she was sitting on it, her back pressed against the window.

“Nah, Ah was born in Glasgow. A’v spent almost thirteen years there. Until my father battered mah mom so hard he had to take her to a hospital. Whin thay discharged her, she grabbed me 'n' teuk th' foremaist train here,” His word stumbled over one another, and he switched constantly between English and Scottish.

This was too much to digest. She’d just met the guy three minutes ago, and now he’s suddenly telling her his entire life story ? Alice didn’t know what to say when he looked up at her expectedly. She never knew a person whose parents would get violent with each other – at least, none of her friends ever told her about such things.

“I-I’m sorry about that,” Finally, she managed to say.

Bobby shrugged and stretched his legs.

“So, what’s yer story, now?”

“I ran away,” She blurted out unexpectedly. “Like, took a suitcase and disappeared.”

Bobby gave her a long look and then nodded.

“Okay, that ah believe. Why?”

“Well, that’s a story I tell people I’ve known for at least forty-eight hours,” Alice joked but none of them smiled.

“Then a’ll wait,” Bobby suddenly jumped off the bed. “Are you hungry?”

Alice’s stomach growled, and she nodded.

“Starving.”

“C’mon then, a’ma make ye pancakes or something, little lassie.”

As they walked past one of the doors, Bobby whispered loudly: “This is Chelsea’s room. She’s usually too fucked to wake up before after lunch.”

As they reached the stairs, he pointed at the door on the right.

“That’ Priya’s room. She’s at her dick’s th' nicht.”

She blushed again, and Bobby spotted her pink cheeks as they walked downstairs.

“Whit? Why’re ye constantly red?”

“I’m not!” Alice protested against any common sense.

“Ye are.”

“I’m just… well, I’m from a conservative family, okay?”

“Ye don’t look like a… oh. Ah see. Ye mean rich.”

Alice frowned. She didn’t want these people to make assumptions about her. And she didn’t want to talk about her family, never.

“I mean that I don’t have much experience with… you know, life outside my little world.”

Bobby looked at her, somehow amused.

“Now, a’m intrigued. Ye know a’m gay, right?”

She nodded, sliding on a chair across the counter from Bobby, who started making pancake mix. His hands moved fast and confident, and he seemed to really enjoy the process.

“You’re in your element,” Alice noted. “Do you cook much?”

“Nah, just sometimes, dinnae have much time. Ah sing in a band.”

“What genre?”

“Pop-punk, a bit rock. Ye like it?”

“I’d like to hear you sing,” She replied vaguely. “I used to take vocal classes a few years back but I’m barely good at it.”

Bobby poured pancake mix on a skillet and bent over the counter, pressing his elbows against the marble, and rested his chin against his palms.

“Ah like ye. Ye seem different. Not cos ye’r rich. Ye seem a different kind of fucked-up. It’s interesting.”

“If that’s your idea of a compliment, no wonder you had to go gay,” Alice huffed, and they both froze for a second.

Just the moment an apology was ready to slip off the tip of her tongue, Bobby laughed, hard and loud. He clenched his hands at his sides, snorting, and Alice joined him, letting the tension leave her body, even for just for as long they’re laughing.

“Cute,” He smirked approvingly. “Ye’r a sassy one, aren’t ye, little lassie?”

Bobby flipped the pancake and reached into one of the cupboards and fished out a pack of cigarettes.

“Dinnae tell Lottie, right?” He pulled out one of the cigarettes, and Alice stared at it.

“Is this a roll-up?”

“Aye.”

“So, it’s drugs?”

“It’s just grass.”

Alice watched Bobby as he flicked a roll-up and took a long drag on it, holding his breath before puffing out a cloud of smoke. She coughed, backing away, and Bobby cocked an eyebrow at her.

“Ye’v never tried it?”

“I feel sick just from smelling it. I can imagine how I’d feel after actually trying it.”

“It’s different.”

“I’ll pass,” Alice looked at the wall clock meaningfully, but Bobby just rolled his eyes.

“Suit yersel' … Right, ye breakfast,” He put a plate with a large pancake on it, some maple syrup and fresh berries. “Voila.”

“Thank you,” She tucked in immediately, realizing that this was her first meal since last morning. “You’re not gonna eat?”

Bobby waved a roll-up at her and took another puff.

“Ah only need this and tea.”

“So, Charlotte – Lottie – doesn’t like it when you smoke inside?”

“Nah, we have a “no stuff” policy here. We can all get as fucked up as we like, bit ne'er inside the house. It’s her parents’ home, she… inherited it a few years ago.”

“So, you’re a rule-breaker?” Alice raised an eyebrow at him, and Bobby grinned and did a playful twirl in place.

“Always, mah’ darlin’.”

In comfortable silence, they finished their weird breakfast.

“So, whatcha wanna do?” Bobby shoved the dishes into dishwasher and looked at Alice. “Ah can show ye round the town, if ye don’t have plans.”

She had absolutely no plans. For the first time in her life, she was free to do whatever the fuck she wanted – but it turned out, she didn’t want anything. Inside, she was empty. A damn party balloon, floating above the floor – just one poke, and it’s gone. Unconsciously, she pulled on her long sleeves and looked up at Bobby.

“Yeah, show me around.”


	3. Begin at the beginning.

_Newcastle,_

_October 22, 2007_

Alice woke up in the middle of the night, parched. She reached for the usual bottle of water, but her fingers grabbed on air.

A realization slowly dawned on her: this is not her bedroom, and there is no water bottle sitting on her bedside table. She rubbed her eyes and sat up. It was too dark to see anything, and the only source of light was the dull moon outside her curtain-less window. Slowly, Alice lowered her feet onto the floor and walked out of the room, tracing the wall with her fingers just to have some sense of space around her.

It was her first night in this house, and she was surprised she’d managed to actually fall asleep. Her brain was still hurting from all the new experiences and emotions, and she considered starting a journal, just to pour it all onto the paper. Maybe, that would end the constant pounding headache that’s been following her for the last four days.

Alice slowly walked downstairs, clinging onto the handrail.

She’d spent almost all day with Bobby, and it was… interesting, to say the least. When they both got dressed, they stared at each other in disbelieve.

“Are you wearing that?” They exclaimed in sync.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Alice pouted: she’d changed into a chunky-knit white sweater with a high collar to keep herself warm.

“Ye asked me same the thing!” Bobby looked himself down. “Ye look like my mate’s Gary nan!”

“You look like a discount Pete Wentz,” Alice retorted. “How many chains is too much?”

She started counting but he was constantly moving, and it was an impossible job.

“Straight to mah heart!” Bobby pressed his hands to his chest dramatically. “Where’s yer jacket? It’s cold outside.”

“That’s our first stop,” Alice blushed. “I need something cheap but like good quality?” She said with a note of uncertainty in her voice.

“Ah might save ye a penny, little lassie,” Bobby smirked. “Wait here.”

He came back with a heavy leather jacket in his hands and handed it over to the girl. Alice looked at it with doubt.

“Try it,” He commanded. “It’s gonna make ye look less granny.”

Alice couldn’t hold back an eye-roll but took the jacket and put it on. It was big enough to fit loosely but not big enough to make her look ridiculous. It was heavy and warm, and it smelled like Bobby’s cologne mixed with leather and cigarettes.

“You sure?”

“Aye. It’s too small for me but ye look hot in it.”

“I thought you’re gay.”

“Ah still can appreciate the beauty.”

Alice chuckled, blushing, and they both finally left the house. Bobby turned out to be a great guide, and by lunchtime, she already sort of knew her way around the town. Bobby was driving his beaten up Ford down the old road, tapping his fingers in sync with the music – so perfect, as if he _felt_ that music.

“Is that… your band?” Alice nodded in no direction.

“How’d ye guessed? Mah singing voice is different from how ah usually talk.”

“You seem to… I don’t know, melt into one with the song?” Alice felt stupid. “Sorry, I don’t know what I was trying to say.”

“Nah, ye’r right. Ah do feel one with the music when ah sing.”

Hanging out with Bobby was easy. They’d spent just a few hours together, but it felt like she’d known him for ages. He was open about almost everything, and for Alice, it was something completely new. Most of the people she knew for years were still closed books to her, but this Scot seemed to not care at all that she’s just a girl he met this morning - he poured his entire life story onto her.

When they got back, they stumbled into a petite blonde girl who was rummaging through the kitchen cupboards.

“Chels!” Bobby called for her, and she almost jumped on the spot. “’ere, this is Alice. Alice, this crackhead is Chelsea.”

“You’re the girl Lottie rented the room to?” Chelsea glanced at her. “You’re pretty.”

“Oh, um, thank you,” Alice blushed furiously. “You’re too.”

Chelsea looked at Bobby.

“Where’s the stash, Bob?”

“Since when ye smoke pot?” Bobby reached to the top shelf and threw a cigarette pack at the girl. “Ah thought ye’r into e’stasy now.”

“I need to calm down before my interview,” Chelsea’s fingers were shaking when she flicked the lighter. She looked around and sighed. “I’ll be outside.”

When she walked out of the kitchen, Alice looked pointedly at Bobby.

“So, you’re the only rule-breaker, huh?”

He grinned back at her.

“Aye. What ye thinking?”

Alice’s face changed a little as she remembered that she wasn’t just here visiting mates – now, she lived here. Bobby wasn’t just a funny guy she’d met and hanged out with. And Chelsea wasn’t just a weird short girl -she was her new roommate.

She was overwhelmed and had no idea what to do. So, she did something she used to do when she was a kid: she locked in her room and ignored everyone until she finally fell into a deep, uneasy sleep. And now, she woke up with her mouth dry and her stomach growling.

Finally, Alice reached the bottom of the stairs and walked through the living room into kitchen. At first, she thought that someone forgot to close the fridge, but a moment later a tall man emerged from behind the counter, his body lit by the light from inside the fridge.

He looked up and grinned wickedly, and only then Alice realized that he was completely, utterly naked.

Her face flushed red as her gaze involuntarily dropped down his sculpted body.

“Enjoying the view?” Man in front of her sniggered and rested one hand against his hip. “At least, introduce yourself, since you’re female-gazing me.”

Finally, she managed to drag her eyes off him, feeling her pulse everywhere, and wheezed out: “I’m Alice.”

She had to clear her throat as the words came out as croaking.

“Need some of this?” He pointed at the water pitcher sitting right next to him and smirked.

Avoiding looking at him, Alice walked over the counter and grabbed one of the glasses to fill with water. Now, she was standing just a step from him, and her heart was racing in her chest to the point all she could hear was the sound of blood rushing through her head.

She took a few long swigs, calming herself down, and then looked up the man.

“What’s your name, then?”

For somebody who’s been caught completely naked, he looked strangely calm and collected and clearly enjoyed her gobsmacked expression.

“Lucas.”

He gave her a studying look, and Alice felt like it was her who was naked.

“So, you’re the new girl?”

“Yup. That’s my second name. The new girl,” She rambled awkwardly, glugging on her water.

Lucas chuckled softly and got back to the open fridge.

“Want a snack?” He asked casually, looking at Alice over his shoulder.

She stared at him in disbelief, ready to brush him off and just run upstairs, but her stomach made a growling noise, tightening into a knot.

“I take it for a yes,” Lucas grabbed a jar of olives and pre-cut cheese and smoked meats plate and put it on the counter, turning to the girl. “Well, Bon Appetit.”

She was starving, but she couldn’t eat alone with a naked guy in a barely lit kitchen.

“You’re gonna eat that in the middle of the night?”

“ _We’re_ going to eat that,” He corrected, sticking his fingers straight into the olive jar. “Or you’re suddenly not hungry anymore?”

Maybe her brain was working too slow, but this entire set-up looked like something from a feverish dream, it didn’t even _feel_ real. For a moment, she considered that she might be still sleeping upstairs, and this encounter is a product of her disturbed imagination. That was the only explanation as to why she was still there, talking to a stranger.

“Would you at least cover yourself up with something?’ Alice huffed, mentally noticing that her cheeks went past ‘hot’ and were now at mark ‘burning’.

This man intimidated her, but she wasn’t willing to show him just _how_ _much_ , so she did the only thing her messed-up brain could think of: she propped herself up onto the counter. At least, now her eyes were on a level with his neck, and she could control _where_ she stared.

“You could spare me some of your layers,” He chuckled. “You’ve got way too much going on anyway.”

His playfully ironic demeanor ran counter to the situation, and somehow, it made everything… _exciting_? Looking him in the eye and grateful that it’s too dark for him to see her tomato-red cheeks, Alice pulled off her flannel button-down and handed it over to Lucas.

With an eye roll, he wrapped it around his hips and joined her on the countertop.

“Better?” He asked sarcastically and fished another olive out of the jar before sliding it towards Alice.

“I still don’t know who you are,” She fiddled with an olive before sending it into her mouth. “Maybe you’re just a weird serial killer that breaks into houses naked, eats all the food, and then stabs everyone to death.”

Lucas chuckled, amused.

“I fuck Priya,” He replied simply, biting on a piece of salami.

Alice stopped chewing and reached for her glass, too perplexed to talk. These people were nothing she’s been used to, they spoke differently, they acted differently, they made her feel like a little girl. She couldn’t remember the last time she blushed so much like in the last couple of days, and she constantly felt like there’s a huge gap between her and them.

“You’re from London?” She asked unexpectedly to even herself.

“Well, that’s a rapid shift in a conversation,” He smirked. “So, you’ve heard someone who speaks decently…” He held her gaze for a long moment. “I’m from Oxford.”

“Did you go to school there?”

“Meaning Oxford?” Lucas sniggered. “Yep, guilty as charged.”

He gave her a studying look.

“Why? You went there?” He thought for a second. “You don’t look old enough to be an alumnus.”

“I…dropped out. Four days ago,” She had no idea why the hell did she just share that with him.

It was bad enough that Bobby called her posh and Lottie knew that she’s on the run, now, this random guy knew where she used to go for school. She clearly had no idea how to keep a secret. At least, she actually _liked_ Bobby and Lottie, while Lucas… not so much. He was way too full of himself, way too cocky, and he made her feel like she’s a fifth-grader who’s afraid of her math teacher.

“You dropped out of Oxford?”

“That’s what I said.”

“And now you’re here.”

“Funny how the Universe works, right?”

Alice busied herself with food, while Lucas studied her intently as if trying to figure out if she’s just messing with him. Under his heavy, evaluative look, she suddenly felt the need to cover her naked arms and chest, and her face flushed red when he suddenly bent over, and the shirt wrapped around his hips exposed his thigh.

She flicked her eyes back to the food, but her heart was pounding inside of her chest.

She should’ve just grabbed her water and leave, so why the hell she didn’t? Why on Earth would she think that sitting in a dark, empty room alone with someone’s naked boyfriend was somehow not a horrible idea?

“So, you and Priya,” Alice finally forced herself to speak. “I haven’t met her yet.”

“Consider yourself lucky,” Lucas chuckled. “She eats cute little girls like yourself for breakfast.”

Ignoring the first part, Alice asked:

“What do you mean? You think she won’t like me?”

 _Oh god, shut up,_ she frowned to herself. She must’ve spent too much time in Bobby’s smoke-filled car and now she’s just passively high – that was the only explanation why this entire conversation had happened.

“You’re too cute and innocent, and Priya… just isn’t. She needs someone that can keep up with her.”

Lucas shrugged.

“On the other hand,” His voice went dangerously low when he leaned forward. “I don’t mind cute and innocent.”

Alice swallowed hard when Lucas’ hand suddenly moved from his thigh to the olive jar. His eyes were fixed on her while he fished out one olive and slowly brought it to the girl’s mouth.

“Want a bite?” He grinned, almost brushing the fruit against her lips.

Her body acted against her will, hot waves started spreading over it, making her heart pound hard against the ribcage, and her breath stutter, and her hands get sweaty. His never-vanishing grin, and his absolute indifference to what she might think of him, and the heat of his body that she felt even from the distance – it all turned her brain into jelly and her blood into liquid fire.

Almost unconsciously, she parted her lips, when suddenly the lights went on, blinding both of them.

“Oi!” Bobby’s loud yelp made Alice almost jump. “Ye horny bugger! Git yer paws richt aff her!”

Bobby walked over to them and wrapped his arm protectively around Alice’s waist, helping her slid off the counter. His eyes widened as he spotted her shirt wrapped around Lucas’ hips.

“Priya will be mad shitless, 'n' ye ken that.”

“Priya doesn’t have to know about everything,” Lucas shrugged and chewed on a slice of smoked mozzarella. “Also, guess, who she’d get mad with?”

Bobby glanced at Alice and frowned.

“Bade awa' fae her,” He said finally. “Or, yer bonny face micht catch up wi` mah fist.”

With these words, Bobby pushed Alice slightly towards the door, leading her away from the kitchen. When Lucas was out of sight, it felt like someone finally switched her brain back on, and she let out a desperate moan.

“Ye a’richt?”

Bobby walked her to her room and stopped before her door, studying her face with a look of concern.

“Ye blush so hard, ah could cook on y’r face instead of a skillet.”

“Yeah, tell me about it. I feel like I might wake up with half of my face burned to a crisp,” Alice huffed, pressing her palms to her cheeks. “Who the hell is this guy?”

“Someone, Priya’s trying to get hooked on her. Okay, ye sure y’r fine?”

Alice nodded, even though her body was still pretty much on edge from the encounter – but she wanted to be left alone, this was all just too much for one day and half a night.

“Yeah, thanks, Bobby.”

“A’m down the hall if ye need me.”

She forced a little smile and closed the door behind her back, unable to stop thinking about the man in the kitchen. Now, alone in the darkness of her room, she could just close her eyes and think about how his taut muscles shone in the dim light, and how dark and alluring his voice was... And how deep and ablaze his eyes were when he looked at her.

Her body tensed even more as she splayed herself on the bed and closed her eyes, letting the images flutter freely before her mind’s eye. His naked body just seemed to be burned onto her eyelids, and her own body responded to those pictures too obviously.

He wasn’t wrong about her, even though he didn’t mean it – she was _innocent_. She never had a boyfriend, and she only kissed a couple of boys in her senior year of secondary school. That was it, all her experience. She should’ve been proud of herself for not fainting right there in the kitchen when she saw a completely naked guy with his dick half-hard.

She growled under her breath, clenching her thighs together.

Apparently, in her new life she’s meant to be constantly confused, flushed, and horny. 


	4. Life is innocent laughter and fun.

_Newcastle,_

_October 23, 2007_

  
“Who the fuck are you?”

Alice almost jumped, choking on coffee. She and Bobby were the only two people awake: Lottie was already gone, and Chelsea, apparently, was sleeping off an active night. Turned out, this adorable, petite girl was trying to make it as an actress and was in search of an agent, but meanwhile, was making money off nude modeling and waitressing.

“Priya!” Bobby bowed theatrically. “Fire in mah loins!”

A tall, dark-haired woman stepped into the kitchen. Just as Alice assumed, she was Indian and absolutely, stunningly gorgeous.

“It’s only half-past eight,” Priya grimaced. “Dial it down.”

She studied Alice with a piercing look of her dark brown eyes, her head tilted slightly to her left, as if showing the younger girl that she’s not even close to being Priya’s equal.

“I’m Alice,” She bit back a sassy comment. “Pleasure to finally meet you.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Priya’s voice sounded a bit uncertain as she’d heard Alice’s perfect London accent. “I’ve got no time for this.”

She grabbed one of the paper cups and filled it with coffee and cream.

“Ye’r leavin’?” Bobby frowned. “Is your dick still upstairs?”

“I’d ask you not to call him that,” Priya scowled at Bobby. “Or, I’ll start remembering all _your_ dicks.”

“Mah dicks at least weren’t cunts.”

Alice's face flushed red, and she hurried to hide it in a bowl of cereal she couldn’t finish for half an hour. She was still way too uncomfortable with the way these people talked, even more so now, that her brain could throw a picture of naked Lucas at her any moment.

Priya huffed, budging over to grab an apple from a bowl, and looked at Alice once more.

“Just stay out of my wat.”

Alice followed her with her eyes until the older girl was out of sight and turned to Bobby.

“She seems nice,” Alice chuckled, trying to hide her nervousness.

She didn’t expect the first encounter with Lucas’ girlfriend to be all tea and biscuits, but she couldn’t imagine this level of hostility straight off the bat.

“She’s a bitch,” Bobby huffed. “But don’t ye worry ‘bout her, little lass, she’s like that wi’ everyone. Ye’d think having so much dick would’ve pacified her by now…”

Bobby chuckled to himself and reached for the top shelf, searching for the cigarette pack. Alice watched him for several long moments before pointing out:

“It’s on the second shelf, right next to that ugly kitty mug.”

Bobby cursed and grabbed the pack.

“Fuckin’ Chelsea,” He flicked the lighter. “Now, that’s better.”

“Why are you getting high first thing in the morning?” Alice finished her coffee and slid off her seat to put the mug and plate into the dishwasher.

“Cos am anxious little fuck,” Bobby smirked. “Either this or the pills, and they make mah brain funky.”

Alice frowned just a little but nodded: she didn’t understand him, but she wasn’t the one to judge. She had no idea what makes other people do what they do. She wasn’t in a place to criticize anything – or anyone, for that matter.

“Liven up, lassie,” Bobby puffed a cloud of smoke out. “A’m taking ye to mah band’ run through.”

“Oh?” Alice raised an eyebrow at him. “You assumed I might be interested in your band?”

Bobby chuckled and threw his arm around her shoulders as Alice stopped next to him.

“Aye. A’m telling ye, those panties drop the moment we start playing, ye’ll be well impressed”

“Well, I’m impressed already, I thought you’re not into _panties._ ”

Her new life might’ve been confusing and terrifying, but one this she knew for sure: finally, she had someone she could just joke around without this constant need to bite back her comments. Meeting a person like Bobby was worth all the times her face flushed red, and all those fears scratching at her back like wild cats.

“Sassy little lassie,” Bobby hip-bumped her and took another puff. “Awright, a’m gonnae hit the shower. See ye in a bit, ‘key?”

Left alone, Alice shuffled closer to the window, staring at the street outside. Her mind went completely blank as she watched a bunch of dead leaves floating in the air, and she could swear, she was one of those leaves – no direction, no destination.

“Are you spying on the neighbors?”

Alice turned around on her heel, almost crushing herself into Lucas. He raised an eyebrow at her, and girl’s cheeks went bright pink under his gaze. She willed her body to relax and shrugged, tugging on the long sleeves of her sweater.

“Funny you should ask.”

Lucas chuckled softly, started the coffee machine, and leaned his back against the fridge, studying Alice with his deep, smoldering eyes.

“So, new girl,” He spoke lazily, his body absolutely relaxed and face unfazed. “What really brought you here?”

She thought about his words, trying to figure out why he cared about it in the first place. She had to come to terms that they’ll see one another often, so she had to find a way to cohabit with this strange man whose grin gave her goosebumps.

“I’m… looking for my path, one might say. I guess I’m just trying to figure out who I am before life makes me into something that I’m not.”

Alice felt a sudden need to slap herself. What the hell was that pseudo-philosophical nonsense about?

Lucas furrowed his eyebrow at her as if actually thinking about her words.

“Only a few find their way,” He spoke finally. “And few of those recognize it when they do.”

The dark-haired girl stared at him gobsmacked, and Lucas grinned, pouring himself freshly brewed coffee and rooting over the fridge, searching for something to eat. Alice’s eyes traveled slowly down his back and to his ass, squeezed into tight black jeans. She missed the moment when Lucas looked at her over the shoulder as if he felt her stare.

“I bet now you wished I wasn’t covered, don’t you?” He asked nonchalantly, sipping on his black coffee.

Alice rolled her eyes even though her face and neck went bright red.

“Yeah, no,” She tutted, turning away to leave, but Lucas stepped in her way, cornering the girl between one of the cupboards and wall.

She looked up, and their eyes locked.

“W-what are you doing?” Her mouth suddenly went completely dry, and Alice had to swallow through the lump in her throat.

“You’re a bit of a mystery,” Lucas said slowly, tracing his hand casually up and down her arm, and Alice fought back an urge to pull on her sleeve, so it doesn’t go above her wrist.

“I’m really not,” She tried to push him away, but he didn’t even move. “Aren’t you late for work or whatever? Don’t you have to be somewhere – somewhere else?”

“Haste makes waste,” Lucas grinned but moved away from the girl. “As always, it was a pleasure speaking to you, _Alice_.”

She snapped her head up at him, surprised by how pointy he made her name sound. Lucas just grinned at her and shrugged, and Alice rolled her eyes and left, feeling his intense stare burning holes in her back. She went back upstairs and opened the closet to see if she has anything remotely ‘cool’ to wear.

All her clothes back in London were skirts and midi dresses and if she wore one of those Bobby would’ve definitely called her a granny again. She rummaged through the hangers, fishing out a simple tight-fitting black dress. It was off-shoulder with long lace sleeves, and Alice inspected her arms carefully to make sure the scars weren’t visible.

 _“If you do dumb shit, you face consequences”,_ one of the girls she met at Uni used to say, and Alice couldn’t argue with that.

She sighed, switched her pajama pants for sheer black tights, laced up her boots and walked out of the bedroom, trying not to make noises.

Alice knocked on Bobby’s door and cautiously peeked inside, ready to cover her eyes at any moment. Scotsman chuckled and waved her over.

“C’mon in, ye’r on time, a’m needin’ yer help,” Bobby was trying to reach a zip fly on the back of his leather sleeveless shirt.

“Oh my lord,” Alice couldn’t hold back laughter. “You look like a gay leather dream came true!”

“That’s the whole point, mah darlin’,” Bobby grinned back at her. “Ah see, ye looking part, too.”

Alice stopped behind him and glanced at her reflection next to Bobby’s. Her blood-red lipstick contrasted brightly with her wan complexion and silver-grey eyes, and her all-black outfit made her slim figure seem even more fragile.

Especially, next to girls like Priya.

She shook her head and smirked, helping Bobby untangle one of the chains.

“Whit?” He asked suspiciously. “Why urr ye smiling?”

“You’re just so adorable,” Alice shrugged.

“Oi!” Bobby gathered her into his arms, huffing. “It’s ye adorable, a’m hot!”

“Are you telling me I’m not hot?” Alice arched an eyebrow at him.

“Ye’r hot, too… in a very adorable way,” Bobby dodged a nudge and his smile went even bigger.

They made their way downstairs, and Alice let out a sigh of relief: Lucas was already gone.

“Ye alright?” Bobby gave her a studying look when they got inside his car.

“Yeah, everything’s great,” Alice gave him a wry smile. “I guess, I wasn’t prepared to… you know, life.”

Bobby chuckled and started the engine.

“Ye’r not alone, little lass, trust me,” He bent over Alice’s knees and fished a pack of cigarettes out of the glove compartment. “Wanna smoke?”

She was ready to turn the offer down but nodded instead, checking that it was actual cigarettes first.

“Aren’t you worried it might hurt your voice?” Alice took a puff and rolled down the window a little.

“Nah,” Bobby turned the music on. “Ah do it ‘cos it’s fun. A’m not tryin’ to be a big shit, it’d stress me out too much.”

“You don’t want to be rich and famous?”

Bobby chuckled and patted girl’s thigh.

“Not everything is ‘bout the dough, ye know? A’m fine the way mah life is, ah have fun with it.”

“The dough?” Alice giggled. “That’s the oddest thing you’ve said so far.”

“Get used to the lingo, lass,” Bobby shrugged, pulling over next to a large two-story-high brick building.

“Is that the club Lottie’s boyfriend plays at?” Alice stared at the building.

“Aye,” Bobby slammed the car door shut, and his face went a bit gloomier for a moment. “Ah met Kas last summer, he lets mah band use this place for our practices. He owns this place… he and that bitch, Hope.”

This was the second time Alice heard this name.

“So, Kas – is that even a name?”

Bobby chuckled.

“His full name is Kassam, but it’s a shit name, so everyone calls him Kas.”

“And he owns this place?”

“He and Hope, his ex.”

“Ex-girlfriend?”

“Wife.”

Bobby opened the door and let Alice in first.

“Wife? How old are they?”

“He’s twenty-four and bitch is a year older.”

“And they’ve already gone through a divorce?”

“Aye, they lasted fur two years, but by then they’ve already bought this place and got stuck wi’ each other.”

They walked down the dimly lit corridor until they were finally in the main part of the club. Three other guys were already there, all wearing leather and skinny jeans, and more makeup than Charlotte on the night Alice met her.

“Fellas!” Bobby yelped, and his voice echoed from the walls. “This is Alice, oor new roommate,” He chuckled. “This is Tony, Rayan, and Big Johno.”

“It’s nice meeting all of you,” Alice blushed as she spoke. “I’ve heard one of your songs, you guys are amazing.”

She smiled warmly at them as the flattering words escaped her mouth.

“She sounds posh,” Tony, a dark-haired man noted in a heavy Welsh accent.

“Just ‘course she can speak properly, doesn’t mean she sounds posh,” a tall, blond guy with Swedish accent smiled warmly at her.

“Dinnae listen tae they rockets,” Big Johno welcomed Alice with a bearhug. “Ah hawp Bobby hasn't bin tae annoying sae far. It forordinar steals time tae git used tae him.”

Alice’s face must have given away her confusion as the larger man laughed and switched to English.

“A’m just sayin’, our Bobby is a lot to take at once.”

“Oi!” Bobby shoved him on a shoulder. “A’m richt here!”

“See?” Johno winked at Alice.

“I’ll just be over there,” She pointed towards the private area with a few tables and velvet couches.

“Use the bar, if ye want,” Bobby squeezed her hand before turning to his band mates.

Alice shrugged off Bobby’s jacket and threw it on one of the couches and flopped down on the soft cushions. She had nothing much to do, so she just stared at Bobby and his friends, hidden in the darkness. She was never into people-watching, mainly because she usually had plenty to do and didn’t have time to just sit around – but now, she had all the time in the world.

Finally, she didn’t have to wake up at six in the morning so she could make it to her tennis practice at seven. She had time to just sit, do nothing, and watch Bobby fool around with his mates. Finally, they took their places at the instruments and the first rough guitar riff cut through the sudden silence.

Alice snuggled deeper into the couch and closed her eyes, letting the music and Bobby’s voice carry her far away.

“Daydreaming?’

A soft, creamy voice jerked the girl out of her thoughts. She snapped her eyes open just to see Kassam sitting next to her. This time, he didn’t wear that rabbit head and looked a bit more ‘normal’, if such a thing could’ve been said about someone wearing silver spats.

“Oh, these?” DJ spotted her glance and smirked. “Like it?”

“It’s not ridiculous at all,” Alice managed to roll her eyes a little, making the man next to her laugh.

Kassam took a swig of the drink in his hand, his gaze locked on the people across the hall from them.

He casually threw his arm over the back of the couch behind Alice, and she could now feel the warmth coming from his body as Kassam moved nonchalantly closer. Suddenly, he was sitting too near, and Alice’s arms prickled with goosebumps under the long sleeves of her dress. She felt this need to cover herself with more layers as his eyes traveled from her face to her neck, chest, down her stomach, and to her crossed legs.

The music now seemed like a background white noise, Alice could barely register any sounds but his breathing and her own blood rushing through her head when the DJ leaned even closer to whisper into her ear.

“So, you’re now living with Bobby and Lottie. How do you find it?”

Alice didn’t expect him to ask about something so… normal, and for a second, she didn’t know what to say and just stared at his drink.

“Want some of this?” Kassam caught her glance. “Help yourself.”

He passed the glass to her, and Alice took a cautious sip without even thinking - as if he hypnotized her into obliging. She choked on the liquor and coughed, and Kas laughed softly before patting her back.

“Better?”

“No,” She croaked a reply. “What is this?”

“Something you need to get used to fully enjoy,” He replied, wiping a trail of tears off the girl’s cheek. “You’ll learn how to enjoy adult things, Alice.”

His voice sent creeps down her spine, and her face flushed red. She stared down at her knees, trying to come up with some kind of a response but her brain went blank.

“I’m playing tonight,” He continued whispering to her, ghosting his hot breath on her neck as his fingers brushed her naked shoulder lightly.

“Is that some kind of invitation?” Alice managed to ask, too consumed by the sudden dizziness.

“Yes,” His hand moved from her shoulder, outlined the contours of her collarbone, and moved to her neck, pushing her hair slightly aside. “Would you jump into that Rabbit Hole, sweet Alice?”

His voice made her knees week, she could swear, if she wasn’t already sitting, she’d ended flat on her face. She felt it last time, too, this sudden unexplainable attraction, willingness to follow him wherever he might take her.

Before she could say anything, Bobby’s loud voice snapped her out of this weird trance, and Alice looked up. She had no idea of how much time had passed, but other band members were already moving the instruments back into the backroom.

“Oi!” Bobby flopped on the couch on another side of Alice, casually pulling her closer in. “Ye’v met each other awready, richt?”

Kassam sent him an ironic smirk and nodded.

“You might say so. She broke into my green room to take a nap.”

“I didn’t break,” Alice felt her cheeks blush yet again. “I was just there, waiting for Charlotte.”

Kassam smiled knowingly and got up to his feet.

“Nice session, Bobby.”

They’ve exchanged handshakes, and Kassam wandered off, leaving the two of them alone.

“Is he always this – weird – intense?” Alice followed the receding figure with her eyes until Kassam disappeared behind the doors.

“Aye, pretty much so…” Bobby narrowed his eyes. “Why’re ye askin’?”

Alice shrugged unconvincingly.

“Ye don’t wanna go there, lass,” Bobby tilted her chin with his fingers, making the girl look into his eyes. “Trust me, after what Hope’d done to him, ye don’t wanna deal with any of that.”

“I didn’t mean anything, Bobby,” Alice said defensively. “Also, he’s with Lottie.”

“He’s not wi’ Lottie. She knows it, too. They’re just comfortable with having someone to fuck whenever they feel like, nothing more. Lottie is no Priya, she ain’t trying to become the next missus.”

Alice's eyes wandered across the room, spotting Big Johno glancing at her. He realized she’s been watching and gave her a warm smile – the one that spoke ‘nice guy’ louder than words.

But she didn’t want nice.

She was ready to jump.


	5. How do you run from what is inside your head?

_London,_

_March 20, 2007_

“Call the bloody ambulance, Liz!”

A tall, dark-haired man in his early forties yelled at his wife as she just stood in the bathroom doorway, too dumbfounded to even move. She snapped out of it and grabbed her cellphone to dial the number with her suddenly stiff fingers.

Slowly, the picture before her eyes started sinking in, and the realization of what had happened dawned at her.

“We… need an ambulance,” She wheezed out. “She took something…”

He husband grabbed the phone out of her hand to yell out their address to the operator, his eyes completely wild and face twisted with horror and rage, a combination so terrifying, the woman had to take a step back from him.

He threw the phone at her and kneeled before his daughter again and moved her to her side, caressing her back firmly.

“Don’t sleep, don’t fucking sleep,” He whispered, trying to shake her awake.

The girl mumbled something but never opened her eyes, clenching her hand on her stomach as if in pain, and her father almost slammed his fist against the marble floor in frustration.

“We should try to wake her up,” His wife finally shook herself into action, filled a glass with cold water and dropped to her knees on another side of their daughter.

She threw the water into her daughter’s face, and the girl coughed sleepily and shuffled in her dad’s arms as if trying to find a more comfortable position to die in. Her face looked so peaceful, it astounded her father. Usually, her mouth was stretched into a polite smile, and her eyes looked interested in whoever she was talking to, but also… she usually was just sad.

She tried so hard not to show it, but he knew she wasn’t happy. He just had no idea she wasn’t happy _this much_.

When the ambulance arrived six minutes later and kicked them out of the bathroom to cleanse the girl’s stomach on the spot, he looked at his wife, who was pacing nervously. Neither of them knew what to say or do, still in shock. The sounds coming from the bathroom were wrenching his guts, and the man fought back an urge to cover his ears.

“Where did she get those pills?” He asked finally, looking at his wife.

“I-I didn’t give it to her,” Woman stuttered. “I knew you didn’t want her to get on medicine.”

Before they could continue, an EMT appeared in the doorway.

“We’re taking her to hospital,” He said sharply. “What’s her name?”

“Adelais. Adelais Wright.”

Girl’s face was still paperwhite when two EMTs carried her past her parents. Her hands hang off the stretcher, and this little thing was somehow more terrifying than anything else.

Her parents left their house in silence, following the ambulance team into the vehicle and climbed inside, their faces expressionless, as if suddenly someone switched their emotions off. If their daughter wasn’t unconscious, she’d probably laughed: their reaction wouldn’t have surprised her even in the slightest.

They were robots, after all. At least, that was the way she knew them. Always so impeccably perfect and put together, never lose their temper, never the one to show emotions. Always so quick to judge and never willing to give a second chance.

She wasn’t even sure they _knew_ how to feel, and sometimes it seemed that she was feeling for them, instead of them, because her body felt like it could explode with feelings if she doesn’t control it every fucking second.

Finally, the ambulance stopped before the hospital building and they took her into intensive care, leaving her parents behind. Her father slouched on a chair with his eyes glued to a wall. It felt like a slumber as if it was all just a hazy dream... like this wasn’t happening. How could it be real?

The two of them sat in silence like they usually did when it was just the two of them. It wasn’t a comfortable silence of quiet understanding and support. It was that silence that only occurs between the strangers – or people, who’d became strangers and grew apart so drastically, they had nothing to hold onto anymore.

Almost two hours passed before they saw a doctor coming their way.

“We’re keeping her in intensive care for tonight,” Doctor said. “Tomorrow morning, a psychiatrist will examine her to determine whether she can be treated at home or requires in-patient care.”

“In-patient care? Are you saying that you want to lock her in a mental clinic?” Adelais’ mother snapped at him. “That’s nonsense. She just got… confused. She’s not a psychopath.”

“That is not my competency to determine. Your daughter took a potentially lethal amount of sedative medicines. Also, there were multiple healed and unhealed cuts found on her body, at first sight, self-induced.”

His last words sounded like a click of a whip, slashing through the air.

“Your daughter is not well, and this is my job to make sure she gets help. Now, go home and have some sleep, and return tomorrow, when we know more.”

“She… hurt herself?” Her father asked through the lump in his throat, balling his hands into fists. “On purpose?”

If his daughter wasn’t unconscious, tied to the hospital bed by her arms and legs, and could see him now – maybe, she wouldn’t regret being found lying on the marble floor of her bathroom two hours ago.

_Newcastle,_

_October 23, 2007_

Alice looked at her reflection yet again and sighed. She tried to “spice up” her look as Bobby suggested but she still looked like a nan compared to everyone else at the club.

She, Charlotte, Bobby, and Chelsea all went to “Wonderland” tonight, and lord, Chelsea did not hold back. Even Lottie’s leather mini-dress and pink hair couldn’t compare to Chelsea’s white vinyl bralette and shorts that sit so low Alice avoided looking anywhere but blonde’s eyes. A pair of clear stripper pumps completed her look.

The moment they’ve arrived, Bobby got immediately dragged away from them by some friends, and Lottie went to see Kas, leaving Alice alone with Chelsea who immediately popped two pills and sauntered towards the dance floor.

Ladies’ restroom door flew open, and two drunk girls stumbled in, almost knocking Alice off her feet. She squeezed past them and got immediately caught into someone’s strong, rough grip.

“Hello, sweetie.”

She recognized that voice. It was the guy Lottie scared off the last time, Noah.

“Get your hands off me!” Alice tried to unwrap herself from his arms, but Noah just laughed and spun her around, until she was facing him.

“I believe you and I have an unfinished conversation.”

“You believe wrong,” She scowled, wriggling in his grip. “What do you want?”

Noah grinned and slipped one of his hands down her body, brushing the girl’s thigh with his fingers. Her heart did a cartwheel and hammered faster inside of her chest.

“I’ll scream if you don’t let me go!” She was already on the verge of a breakdown.

The man before her squinted and lowered his head to whisper in her ear: “I wouldn’t do that if I was you.”

His cold, menacing voice sent creeps all over her body, and Alice froze in his arms, paralyzed by sudden fear. Her eyes frantically searched the club, trying to spot Bobby or Lottie, but it was too crowded, and she stopped trying.

“What do you want?” She repeated, trying her best not to let the sticky fear sink into her voice.

“You,” Noah replied simply, suddenly pressing her mouth against Alice’s.

She got caught off guard and for a second, she let his lips posses hers before she finally shook herself into action and pushed her hands against his chest as hard as she could.

“Noah!”

An ear-piercing shriek made the man immediately pull away, releasing Alice from his grip.

“Who the hell is this skank?!” A deep-skinned woman in a pantsuit and high heels was shooting daggers with her eyes. “You!” She turned to Alice and took a threatening step towards her. “Little slut…”

Alice’s face flushed red.

“I wouldn’t kiss him for all the money in the world!” Alice spitted out. “How about you take a step back and actually ask who started this?”

She hated girls like this, those who immediately ready to blame another woman without giving her as much as a chance for explanation.

“Hope, I believe?” Younger girl’s voice started shaking but she managed to cock her head and look baldly at Noah’s girlfriend. “Tell your boyfriend to stop harassing me, unless he wants me to go to the police.”

She pushed herself past the couple and disappeared in the crowd before either of them could’ve said anything. Her heart was pounding out of her chest, and her fingertips were ice-cold when she leaned against the bar, waiting for the bartender to notice her. She had to take multiple deep breaths, just to calm down enough to be able to swallow the drink.

“Cranberry vodka, please.”

The bartender looked her up and down, recognizing her.

“How’re things in Wonderland, little Alice?” He slid a glass towards her.

“Curiouser and curiouser,” She replied, bottoming her glass.

The first four days of her new life were almost surreal, and sometimes Alice expected to suddenly wake up in her London bedroom -or, even worse, in the dorm room she shared with this girl from Lisbon. She still couldn’t believe that she actually did it. She ran away. She started everything over. She was finally free.

“You know,” She said slowly, tapping at the side of her glass for a refill. “Things aren’t so bad.”

She threw back the drink and tossed her hair over her shoulder, looking around just in time to spot Kassam as he took his place behind the turntables. He was wearing a rabbit’s head again, and Alice couldn’t see his face but for a second it seemed as if their eyes locked.

“Be careful with him,” Bartender leaned over the counter. “You’re not the first girl to fall for White Rabbit, Alice. There’s no safety cushion at the end of the tunnel.”

She jerked to look at the man, ready to snap back, but bit back her lie and slowly asked:

“How do you know that I… might be interested?”

He laughed and suddenly ruffled her hair.

“You’re just a little girl, and he’s a fucking master of luring little girls into his twisted world.”

She considered his words and nodded.

“Maybe, somebody else’s twisted is what I need to cure my own twisted?”

She slammed the glass onto the counter and smiled at the bartender, reaching into her pocket.

“It’s on house,” He waved his hand dismissively. “I saw you and Noah,” Man added, scowling. “Next time just deliver him a nutshot.”

Alice’s cheeks flushed red.

“So… is he always like that?”

“He thinks that he’s a king of this place,” Bartender shrugged. “Someone needs to put him back in his place.”

She nodded and slowly wandered off, moving closer to the dancefloor. Her eyes were welled up because of all the smoke, and her head was slightly dizzy with two drinks when she barged through the dancing people closer to the center. Slowly, she started moving, tracing her hands up her body timidly at first.

This part of her was unknown and scary. She was never one of _those girls_. Girls like Priya, who catch glances wherever they go, who are so confident it surprises them when somebody doesn’t fall straight to their feet. Alice was nothing like that. She blushed five times a minute, she felt awkward when someone complimented her, and she had no idea what to do with this sudden _hunger_ inside of her that she felt whenever Kassam got close to her.

She closed her eyes, swaying her hips to the beat, and her memory threw a picture of Lucas at her, almost making her trip and fall. His naked body seemed to be burned into her eyelids, there was no other explanation as to why she saw him whenever she squeezed her eyes shut.

Someone’s arm wrapped around her waist suddenly, and Alice smelled a familiar combination of weed, leather, and musky perfume.

“Hey, cheeky,” She spun in Bobby’s arms until she was facing him.

“Aw, ah wis hoping a'd catch ye like a slung-stane,” He slurred drunkenly. “Ye no fun.”

“I’ve already had my share of fun when Noah tried groping me.”

Bobby’s eyebrows shot up at her choice of words even more so than at the news, and Alice shrugged.

“Keeping up with the lingo.”

Bobby laughed, tightening his grip of her waist. They didn’t dance, just stood there, talking, and somehow it felt more intimate than anything she’d experienced before. As if finally, she had a person who actually cared about her, a person who listened to what she had to say.

“Whit urr ye thinking?”

“I’m thinking about how much of a pity it is, that you’re a fag.”

Bobby laughed even harder his time, clenching at Alice’s waist to keep his balance.

“Ye dirty little lassie,” He suddenly slipped one of his hands down her hip to give her ass a firm smack, and Alice jerked under his hand, her face turning a deep shade of burgundy at the sudden wave of warmth spreading throughout her body.

Bobby watched her reaction with a masked cautiousness, as if afraid that he’d overstepped some boundaries. She gave him an unreadable look before suddenly coiling his neck with her arms.

“Dance with me, Bobby,” Alice whispered softly into his ear, making the tiny hairs at the back of his neck bristle. “Help me forget everything.”

He brought her body even closer and swayed his hips forward carefully as if testing the waters, and she returned his move immediately, passionately, and he stopped holding himself back. His hands gripped at her hips roughly, spinning her around until her back was pressed against his chest. Her face was burning, and she could swear if anyone touched it now, they’d burn themselves.

She moved her body in-sync with Bobby until finally, her mind stopped racing. She was sweaty and panting, and her feet hurt from dancing, but finally, this constant running of her thoughts slowed down.

Suddenly, someone’s voice from behind Bobby’s back cut through the music.

“Mind if I cut in?” Kassam raised his eyebrow ever so slightly.

Bobby gave Alice a questioning look, and she nodded hesitantly.

“Ah will just be ower thare,” He pointed at a group of his friends he ditched to dance with Alice.

She smiled at him gratefully and then turned to the DJ.

“Aren’t you supposed to be up there now?” She vaguely pointed towards the balcony, noticing, that the melody has changed into a slow, sultry tempo.

“They can survive one auto-played track,” Dark-haired man imperiously put his hands onto Alice’s waist and pulled her closer in.

Without his rabbit head, he didn’t stand out in the crowd, and no one paid attention to them as they moved slowly. One of Kas’ hands moved lazily up and down the girl’s side and then slipped to her thigh and his fingers raked her skin through the fabric.

“Tell me about yourself, Alice,” He lowered his face to whisper, and the husky notes in his voice sent goosebumps over her body. “Something, that you haven’t told any of them.”

He nodded towards Bobby, his bandmates, and Chelsea. Alice’s heart started beating faster at the thought that Lottie might be somewhere around, too. Apparently, she let the sudden panic mirror on her face – or, this man just could read her mind, but Kassam chuckled darkly and said casually, resting his hand in the small of girl’s back:

“Are you worried about being seen with me?”

“I-I just don’t want any problems,” She stuttered when his fingers moved just a little lower. “Lottie is…”

“Lottie’s sleeping off some… activities,” He murmured into Alice’s ear. “But also… doesn’t it make _this_ a bit more exciting? Knowing that she might wake up any moment now?”

His lips grazed the shell of her ear, almost kicking the breath out of her, and Alice looked up at him with her suddenly lidded eyes. He smirked at the look on her face and gently, almost affectionately, moved her hair aside to press a lingering kiss to her neck before pulling away.

“It was a delight, dancing with you,” He whispered and gently pushed her away. “I’m looking forward to seeing you _very_ soon, Alice.”


	6. I wish I could shut up like a telescope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is definitely for Bobby stans.
> 
> Also, second and last warning: more tags will be added as we move further down the rabbit hole. I don't know myself where this story will go, so prepare for a rollercoaster ride.  
> Enjoy😈

_Newcastle,_

_October 30, 2007_

“Bobby, no,” Alice tried to stay seated on the stairs while Scot was pulling on her hand. “I don’t want to go candy shopping with you.”

He rolled his eyes.

“Ah dinnae care what ye want or don’t want,” He changed tactics, and bent down do wrap his arms around her upper body and pulled the girl up, almost knocking them both off their feet.

“Ugh, you’re an insufferable, annoying little bastard,” Alice pushed him away.

“C’mon, Ali!” He made puppy eyes at her. “Ah want to show ye this place.”

“I’ve been to many candy stores, Bobby.”

Alice started getting annoyed by his persistence and crossed her arms over her chest. She just wanted to drink her morning coffee and then go upstairs and pretend that those cheap Halloween decorations that Lottie put up a few days before do not exist.

“Bit these candies are not just candies,” He grabbed her wrists.

She eyes him suspiciously.

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying? Are you really trying to lure me into a drug shop?”

“Ah dinnae want to go alone,” Bobby pouted. “Please?”

“I’ve got other things to do with my morning, Bobby,” Alice didn’t sound so sure anymore, and he immediately picked on the uncertainty in the girl’s voice.

“Oh? What else ye'v got tae dae? Sit here all day and watch the empty street?”

“I should start looking for a job,” Alice frowned at the thought. “I don’t have that much money, you know.”

Bobby’s face fell a little, and Alice gave up.

“Alright, I’ll come with you. Lord, you’re needy,” She rolled her eyes when Bobby grabbed her by the waist and spun her around, almost tripping over his feet. “Easy, tiger!”

Bobby waved pretend claws at her, baring his teeth.

“Rawr!”

Alice laughed so hard, she had to bend over and rest her hands on her thighs for stability. She couldn’t remember the last time in her life when she was _this_ … not happy, but so damn close to it. She’d known Bobby for about a week, but he became closer to her than the people she knew from when she was five, and she’d do anything to put a smile on his face – even if it meant going to some drug shop.

They got into Bobby’s car, Alice rolled down the window and grabbed a pack of cigarettes out of the glove compartment, making sure it was actual cigarettes and lit one. She puffed the smoke out of the window, relaxing against the back of her seat, and stretched her legs, resting feet on the dashboard.

“Nice legs,” Bobby smirked, and Alice rolled her eyes. “Ah need a smoke, too.”

“Good to know,” She grinned.

“Well, light a cigarette fur me.”

Alice searched her seat for the cigarette pack and lighter.

“I can’t find the lighter.”

“Just Dutch fuck it fur me.”

“A what now?” Alice almost choked on the smoke, and coughed hard, almost bending in half.

“Light a cigarette off yer cigarette,” Bobby rolled his eyes at her, driving onto the main road and turned the music volume up.

There she was, in a smoked car, with her best friend that she’d met only a week ago, heading into a candy shop that sells drugs. And somehow, it didn’t bother her at all. Somehow, for the first time in her life, she was in control even though she had no idea what tomorrow will look like. After all these years she’d spent trying to make happy everyone but herself, doing stupid things seemed like the most natural thing to do.

Finally, she was _living_ , not existing. Her life was absolute, utter chaos, but it was _her_ life, and she wanted to experience it to the fullest.

“Whatcha thinking ‘bout?” Bobby broke the pause, cutting his heavily lined eyes at the girl.

“Nothing really. Just life in general.”

“Yer life?” Bobby took a turn and slowed down, looking for a parking space.

Alice nodded.

“I dinnae ken much ‘bout yer life,” He noted, pulling over. “Ah told ye my story the day we’ve met, and ye said-“

“That I don’t tell my life story to people I’ve known for less than forty-eight hours,” Alice smirked. “I remember.”

“Well?”

“Well, nothing,” She replied as they climbed out of the car. “Aren’t we on a mission now?”

Bobby barked with laughter and threw his arm around Alice’s shoulders.

“Ah see. A’m gonna make ye talk, ye like it or not.”

“I can’t wait to see you try,” Alice hip-bumped him, and Bobby laughed, tightening his arm around her neck to pull the girl closer in.

“Ye’r such a boot sometimes.”

“A boot? Like a shoe?”

“Like a bitch,” Bobby smacked her a kiss and pushed the store door open. “After ye, princess.”

Alice huffed and stepped inside the store, ready for anything.

It was just a regular candy store, with dozens of colorful candies and jelly worms boxes. Bobby gave her a gentle nudge to move and went over to the counter.

“Rocco!” He yelled too loud for such a small place.

“Bobby, darling,” A dark-haired man dressed in ripped jeans and rainbow shirt appeared from the back room, smiling. “Oh, you’ve brought a friend with you.”

“It’s Alice,” Bobby looked at her expectedly, and she shuffled closer. “Alice, this is Rocco. This is his shop.”

“Nice to meet you,” She smiled at the other guy, still a bit unsure how to react.

“The pleasure is all my, darling,” Rosso bent over the counter to catch her hand and plant a kiss on her knuckles before turning to Bobby. “The usual?”

Bobby nodded.

“One minute.”

Rocco disappeared in the back room again, and Alice tugged on the sleeve of Bobby’s leather jacket.

“How do you know this guy?”

“Oh, ah know many guys,” Bobby wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, and Alice couldn’t hold back a huff. “I’ve met Rocco two years ago, we were both hanging out with the same people.”

Rocco got back with a huge colorful bag in his hand and put it onto the counter. “S'il Vous plait.”

“Oh, you speak French?” Alice leaned forward excitedly.

“Just a little, ma Cherie,” Rocco batted his eyelashes at her when Bobby chuckled.

Alice nodded, hiding disappointment behind one of her fake sweet smiles she’d mastered throughout the years. Bobby paid for whatever he just got and grabbed the bag.

“Thanks, mate, ah see ye soon.”

“Happy Halloween, guys. Alice, I hope I’ll see you again.”

She gave him another smile and followed Bobby out of the store. When they got back into the car, he fished out one of the plastic bags and tossed the bag onto the backseat.

“Are you going to take drugs right here, in the middle of the street?”

Bobby barked a laugh and waved the plastic bag at her.

“These are just strawberry gummy worms, ye weirdo,” He fished out one. “Open wide.”

Alice opened her mouth obediently, and Bobby tossed a gummy worm into it, almost missing.

“Hey!”

“Sorry, love, ah will practice mah aim,” He grinned at her and started the engine. “Be a doll, check the backseat fur the booze. A’m pretty sure there should be a bottle of gin somewhere.”

Alice nudged him on a shoulder.

“That’s for throwing food at me,” She nudged him again.

“Oi!”

“And that’s for calling me a doll. It’s not the eighties.”

She squeezed herself between the driver and passenger’s seats and bent over to check under the back seats.

“Nice backside,” Bobby commented with a chuckle.

“Seriously,” Her voice was muffled. “Can you think of anything else but people’s asses?”

“Not mah fault it’s right in mah face!” Bobby pouted, and Alice gave him a look of exasperation as she sat back onto her seat, holding a bottle. “Ah, ye found it. Great.”

He made another left turn, stopping at the end of the road, and Alice’s breath stuttered at the view of the whole town.

“It’s no London but it’s still nice, richt?” Bobby unscrewed the lid with his teeth and took a large gulp of gin. “Want some?”

“It’s not even noon, Bobby.”

“Oh, c’mon, ye can’t always be such a… _good girl_.”

Alice’s head snapped up at these words, a look of disgust on her face. She opened her mouth to say something but had to stop herself, propping herself up onto the car bonnet next to Bobby.

“Ye okay?” He’d noticed the change in her mood immediately and grabbed her chin with his fingers to make the girl look at him. “Ye can talk to me, ye know?”

She had to tell him. She couldn’t keep hiding this from him, at least, she should start telling him about her life until ten days ago. Maybe, if she tells him a little now, and them will continue giving him little glimpses into her past life, one day, he’ll be able to see the whole picture?

Dublin,

March 25, 2007

“This place looks nice, doesn’t it, darling?”

Adelais looked up at her mother from the corner of the room with a look of disbelief in her eyes but only nodded. She sat down on the bed, almost wincing at how firm mattress felt.

“Yes, mother, this place is rather nice.”

She glanced at the window, spotting some kind of a commotion on the street. Her room was located on the second floor, at the very end of the east wing, where they kept ‘non-problematic’ patients. Adelais could see a little private garden with a fountain and wood benches from her window, but she had no mental power to actually care.

Girl let her eyes fall shut for a moment while her parents busied themselves unpacking her suitcase, thinking about the last few days.

She woke up in emergency care, the morning after the night she tried to kill herself, feeling nothing. At all. Suddenly, all the emotions were gone, and there was only this void inside of her where her heart was supposed to be.

Adelais tried to stretch her body but couldn’t even sit up: her arms and legs were tied to bed with wide medical belts, and there was a dripper in her arm. She relaxed back against the pillows, closing her eyes again. She could’ve called for someone but instead, she just stayed there, in a hospital bed, for what seemed to be hours, trying to feel something – _anything_.

She didn’t want to die.

But she wasn’t living, all these years, there was just the shell of a person instead of her, sad, fake she’ll. And last night, it became too much. She was weak, she didn’t want to fight, she just wanted this feeling of hopelessness to stop. She just wanted to finally be in control of something – _anything_ – in her life. Even if it was how this life ends.

Next time she was pulled out of sleep by loud voices, one of them belonged to her father, and Adelais listened in to the conversation, too embarrassed to let them know she was awake.

“Mr. Wright,” Unfamiliar male voice said calmly. “Please, you can’t see her before our psychiatrist talks to her. Dr. Hines is a fine specialist, please, let him do his job, for the sake of your daughter’s wellbeing.”

Another unfamiliar voice said something quietly, and a moment later, the curtain separating Adelais from the rest of the room was pushed aside. She cracked her eyes open to see a man standing next to her bed.

“Adelais, you’re awake, good. I’m Dr. Hines, do you know where you are?”

He grabbed a chair and placed it next to the bed before closing the curtain again.

“I can guess,” She replied. Her voice was raspy and cracked, and her mouth parched.

“Would you like some water?”

She nodded, and doctor grabbed a glass from the nightstand and filled it with water.

“I will untie you, but you have to be a good girl and don’t do anything stupid, you got it?”

She nodded again: what she could possibly do? Her body was too sore and barely moving, even if she wanted, she wasn’t able to do nothing more than to grab the glass after Dr. Hines untied one of her hands and moved to another.

“Thank you,” She bottomed her glass, put it back onto the nightstand and relaxed back against the pillow. 

He gave her a studying look, finishing with the last belt, and then sat down, leaning his back against the chair, and grabbed her patient card.

“Now, Adelais, tell me, why did you try to hurt yourself?”

He couldn’t possibly understand. He seemed so collected, so in control, so perfectly at peace with who he was. How could she start explaining that every day was exactly the same to her? She knew what was going to happen next moment, next day and year, as if she was in this Ground Dog movie when she wakes up and it’s the same day, again, and again, and again.

She just wanted this day to be over.

“It was a mistake,” She said finally. “I didn’t think.”

Dr. Hines narrowed his eyes at her.

“Adelais. I really want to help you, but for me to do so, you’ve got to be honest with me. Doctors from the emergency room found multiple self-inflicted cuts all over your body.”

Her heart stopped for a moment. She did such a good job of hiding her scars for years, and now…

“My parents,” Her breath stuttered. “Have you told my parents?”

Psychiatrist’s eyes buried into her when he nodded, watching the girl’s reaction.

“Yes, Adelais, another doctor told your parent. Now, please, be a good girl and allow me to help you. You can trust me.”

She snapped her eyes open: it turned out, she couldn’t trust him. He came to talk to her two more times – and after that, she got sent to this private ‘mental health resort’ in Ireland, away from London, so no one finds out about her breakdown.

“Do you need anything else, darling?” Her mother asked, shuffling from one foot to another, and Adelais shook her head ‘no’.

“We will call you when we get back to London,” Her father added, brushing his fingers against her shoulder awkwardly before leaving her alone.

Adelais waited until the door closed behind them and only then let her shoulders slouch forward, resting her face in her hands. She knew how to hold on when she was around people she needed to impress – but who would she have to impress here? Depressed housewives and beauty queens with an eating disorder?

She’s been told that _this_ was for her own good, but how could this complete loss of control be of any good? Will her life ever belong to her? Will she ever feel anything but this emptiness inside of her? Will she live long enough to find out?

_Newcastle,_

_October 30, 2007_

Alice stopped talking and took another long swig from the almost empty bottle, looking at the city beneath them. She just told a complete stranger that she tried to kill herself, and her entire body scringed with fear.

She couldn’t bring herself up to look at the young man next to her, so she just continued staring into horizon.

“Hey,” Bobby’s calm voice made the girl finally look up, meeting the stare of his amber eyes. “Look at me.”

He gently coiled her face with his hands, shuffling closer to Alice, and his palms were warm and reassuring, and soft. He brought his face closer to girl’s and planted a kiss on her forehead before continuing:

“Don’t even think that what ye just told me changes anything, hear?”

Alice nodded frantically, trying to fight back the tears prickling at the corners of her eyes. She barely told him anything, he still had no idea why she’s been cutting herself since she turned thirteen, or what made her finally snap and take those pills – but he knew what he knew and he was still there, with her. In her books, it counted for a lot.

“T-thank you,” She muttered through the lump in her throat, trying to wipe the tears away before he’d noticed.

Bobby caught her hand and moved it away from her face and then gently wiped off the tears from under her eyes with his thumbs, and this simple gesture bursted the dam. Falls of tears started running down her cheeks, slithering down the neck and damping the shirt she was wearing under Bobby’s leather jacket.

“Bugger,” He swore, scooching closer to pull Alice into a tight embrace. “Please, stop, Ali, shh. Tis gonnae be okay, ah promise.”

He kept stroking her back as she nuzzled deeper into his neck, covering it with wet trails of tears, clenching onto him like he was the last straw, and Bobby’s heart broke for this little girl who almost had to die to start living. Slowly, Alice’s sobs became less frequent and she pulled away slightly, her hands still clasped on his shoulders.

“I-I’m so sorry, Bobby,” She whispered. “I don’t get like this, never. I don’t remember a time I let myself to be such a mess around people.”

“A’m not ‘people’,” He mockingly imitated her voice. “A’m yer friend, got it?”

She nodded, finally letting go of him, and wiped the trails of tears off her cheeks and neck.

“Ah just want ye to know,” Bobby looked at her seriously, for the first time since she met him. “Ah know a’ve only met ye like a week ago, and we might not know Ilk ither – but ah don’t fuckin’ care. Ye mean a lot to me.”

“You mean a lot to me, too,” She brushed her hand against his. “I’ve never had a friend like you before. I’m not even sure I’ve ever had friends before. You’re really special, Bobby.”

“’n’ so are ye, little lass,” He smiled at her. “Ah will tak' care of ye, okay?”

Bobby wrapped his arm around the girl’s shoulders, resting his head against her, and they both went quiet, watching the sun as it slowly traveled across the skyline until it was completely gone.


	7. It's very easy to take more than nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🌺 A very special thank you to Tori for mentioning Klaus ☂ and inspiring one of the scenes.  
> 🌺 Another thank you goes to Kat whose lines I now quote not only IRL but in ffs as well.

_October 30, 2007_

_Newcastle_

When the skies finally colored dark navy, and the first stars lit up, Bobby gently squeezed Alice’s shoulder, guiding her out of her haze.

“We should head back, lass,” He jumped off the bonnet and stretched with his entire body, baring his toned abdomen. “A’m hungry.”

“I thought you don’t need food,” Alice slowly slid off the car bonnet too and walked a bit back and forth, trying to loosen her stiff muscles. Her stomach growled, and Bobby cocked his head.

“Whit the hell was that?”

She rolled her eyes and flipped her hair over her shoulder, barely feeling her fingers after spending several hours in the cold October air. She wrapped her – Bobby’s – jacket tighter around herself and looked at him with her sleepy eyes. With a little grin, he stepped forward, wrapping her into a tight embrace.

“What’s that for?” She mumbled into the crook of his neck.

“Fur ye being ye, ye dork,” Bobby used his index finger to tilt girl’s head up.

Alice suddenly felt waves of warmth spreading through her body and leaned even closer in, tightening her grip, and closed her eyes. This feeling of being cared about, of having somebody by her side – she couldn’t remember if she ever felt it before. Bobby’s hand was playing aimlessly with her long dark-chocolate hair until she recomposed herself.

“I’m a melt.”

“Aye. But ah still love ye,” He gave her a kiss on a cheek and pulled away slightly. “Let’s head back.”

They climbed into Bobby’s car and he started the engine, letting Alice pick one of the CD-disks he had in the glove compartment. He let her rummage through his things like it meant nothing, and it was a new thing. Most people she knew wouldn’t let anyone do that – and this simple thing meant so much more than any words of friendship she’d heard from people in her past life.

That life was over.

She wasn’t Adelais Wright anymore. She was Alice, just a girl who lived in a house full of people and hanged out with her best friend who sings in a punk-rock band and smokes weed. She smiled softly when Bobby started singing along to one of the songs and relaxed back against her seat, listening to his slightly husky, soothing voice.

She was on the verge of falling asleep when the car stopped, and Bobby nudged her gently on the shoulder.

“Wakey-wakey, lassie,” He grinned as she rubbed her eyes with her fists. “Ye so adorable.”

She huffed.

“I’m not.”

“Aye, yer.”

He climbed out of the car and ran over it just in time to catch the girl into his arms as she stepped onto the ground.

“Yer so fuckin’ adorable, ah wanna put ye in mah pocket so ah can care ye everywhere with me. Ah want ye to be mah pocket Alice.”

She laughed so loud, one of the neighbors’ dogs started barking.

“That’s so cute and creepy, like those Halloween candies Lottie’s been stuffing herself with.”

Bobby wrapped his arm around Alice’s waist as they walked down the driveway, kicking fallen leaves with their boots. She loved autumn but hated Halloween – everyone got a chance to loosen up on this day, stop being serious for just twenty-four hours, but she was never allowed such a luxury since it was also the day she was born.

Alice shook her head as they walked past the trees covered with fake spider webs with giant black and silver spiders sitting in it, hanging bodies, and even some sort of a ghost. Lottie was clearly a fan of this holiday, and, for the past three days, every time she got back from work at the music store, goth would make everyone sit in the living room and watch horror movies with her.

Pink-haired girl was the heart of this house. She somehow managed to keep Priya from bitching too much and break through Chelsea’s ‘I don’t give a shit’ attitude – and even not to slap Lucas straight on the face whenever he opened his mouth.

Alice saw him just once after that night and morning in the kitchen and it was enough – he was still insufferably hot and annoying, and he still hadn’t bothered to return her flannel.

“Honey, a’m home!” Bobby yelped from the doorway, and his ear-piercing voice echoed through the entire house.

“Bobby!” Charlotte appeared in a little corridor, carrying a bowl of salad in her hands. “You crazy fuck, I almost had a heart attack!”

She nudged him roughly on a shoulder and turned to Alice.

“Hey, I’ve got something for ya!” She grabbed the younger girl by the wrist and pulled her towards the kitchen, while Bobby dragged behind.

“Oh,” Alice blushed as her eyes landed on Lucas the moment she stepped into the kitchen.

He, Priya, and Chelsea were already at the table, chatting and drinking wine, waiting patiently for Lottie to serve the food.

“Bobby, make yourself useful,” She pushed the bowl into his hands and grabbed something from the counter. “Here, I’ve got you a sim-card for your phone. It’s pre-paid and registered on a fake persona.”

Alice's eyes widened: she’d already forgotten that Lottie promised to take care of this.

“I-I don’t know what to say,” Her face flushed red. “Thank you, Charlotte, so much!”

Lottie waved her hand dismissively.

“Jibberish! I could help you – so I helped you. It’ll come back to me.”

Chelsea rolled her eyes.

“Lottie believes that if she says ‘money’ enough times, it’ll appear in her purse.”

“Or, I can start acting like a landlord and actually make you pay the rent on time.”

Blonde blushed a little, and Lottie turned to Alice again.

“I just think that you get what you give. Life can’t be bad if you’re being good.”

With these words, Lottie pushed her gently towards the table and walked over to help Bobby with the plates.

Alice took her place and her eyes locked with Lucas’ as he sat across the table from her. He grinned and cocked his head just slightly as if taking a better look at a museum artifact – and it immediately made her cheeks flush red.

Lottie’s words were still playing in her head, as if on repeat. _Life can’t be bad if you’re being good_. She’s been nothing but good, she did everything she’d been told to, she tried so hard – so why she was so miserable? Why did she feel that her life was a nightmare she couldn’t wake up from? Or was she _that_ bad in her past life that no matter what she does in this – she’ll be forever this woeful?

She clenched her fists under the table and took a deep breath.

This was the question she couldn’t find an answer to - _why_. Why was she so damn unhappy? What had she done to deserve to feel so _wretched_ all the time? Why couldn’t she be normal? Why wasn’t there a single soul in the world that would’ve cared that her body looked like a battlefield under her long sleeves and black tights? Why was she so wrecked and messed up?

“So, Alice,” Chelsea’s voice snapped her out of her thoughts. “We barely know anything ‘bout you,” She was speaking slowly, almost as if she was too lazy to move her lips faster. “You dropped out of Uni?”

Alice’s eyes darted between Lottie, Bobby and Lucas, trying to figure out who told Chelsea. Lucas just shrugged and slightly shook his head ‘no’.

“Erm, yes, that’s right.”

“Why?” Priya asked demandingly.

Surprised, Alice replied: “I-It wasn’t working for me.”

“Why?” Chelsea pressed, leaning forward and almost swiping her glass of the table.

“Because…” Alice frowned. “I’ll go back to school sometime later, but as of now… I think it’d be better for me to use this time to get to know myself better – and get a job, too.”

Bobby and Lottie finally finished serving the table and both took their seats: Charlotte in the head of the table, and Bobby flopped on the chair next to Alice. He grabbed a salad bowl and put some into her plate and then did the same with baked potatoes and chicken.

“Thanks, Dad,” She chuckled, and Bobby grinned.

“Oh, so, a’m ye daddy now?”

Alice nudged him on a shoulder, rolling her eyes back into her head.

“The food is amazing, Lottie,” She turned to the older girl. “Thank you for making all of these for us.”

Charlotte sent her a warm smile.

“Watch and learn, you ungrateful motherfuckers,” She grinned at the others. “Finally, we got at least one person with good manners in this house.”

Alice caught Lucas’ studying look that almost made her choke on her food, and her memory threw an image of him, standing naked in front of the open fridge. She lowered her burning face, trying to will her body to stop reacting to him.

“So, what kind of job are you looking for?” Lucas asked casually, refilling Priya’s glass.

“You’re fit,” Chelsea chimed in suddenly. “And pretty. You could do modeling.”

“I’m too short for that,” Alice was surprised at the sudden compliment. “I’m only 5’6.”

“Photo modeling,” Petite girl shrugged.

“Ah don’t think it’s her thing, Chels,” Bobby interrupted.

“I was studying English before I dropped out,” Alice said with a strained smile. “But maybe, I should look in a different direction.”

She hated talking about herself. It was always painfully awkward, and she hated every moment the attention was on her. Her parents always made sure she told people about how well she did at school and how many tournaments she won, and who she’d met at the last conference she attended – and every time she cringed internally.

“Maybe you should,” Lucas said musingly before turning to Priya as if he suddenly lost any interest in the conversation.

“Ignore him,” Lottie leaned closer in. “He’s just a prick.”

“Why is he even here?”

Lottie huffed.

“Because Priya likes showing him around. She thinks that if enough people see him with her, it’ll push him into making it official.”

“Official?” Alice frowned.

“Official couple.”

“Oh,” Her cheeks blushed slightly.

She was so clueless at times. She saw people at her school and Uni dating each other for a few weeks or months – and then suddenly dating someone else, not even a day after breaking up with their previous partner. And it always left her confused and a little terrified that something like that will happen to her. And so, she avoided anyone who’d showed even slightest interest in her, too scared to fall in love and get her heart broken.

She was already wrecked enough, without any more drama – and that was exactly the reason she was the last virgin of her group of friends since they all turned sixteen.

She zoned out, barely following the conversation, trying to focus on the food on her plate. It smelled gorgeous, and she pushed herself to put some into her mouth and chew slowly. She was constantly too high on adrenaline to feel hunger, and even when her body reminded her that she hadn’t eaten since last night, she still could only manage a few bites.

She knew this girl with anorexia who could starve herself for days and who looked like a gust of wind could’ve picked her body up and carry it away, and the thought of how _sick_ that girl looked pushed Alice into eating some more. She already had a fragile frame and looked like she was fifteen, no one would take her seriously if she started looking like Auschwitz’ prisoner.

After they had dinner, Alice and Lottie stayed to clean up and load the dishwasher while everyone else moved to the living room.

“Hey,” Lottie nudged the other girl on a shoulder. “Are you alright? You were quieter than usual just now.”

“Yeah,” Alice managed a fake smile. “I-I’m just tired, I guess. I don’t know how you’re doing it.”

“Doing what?” Lottie laughed softly, spotting Bobby’s secret stash on one of the shelves. “Little bastard,” She threw the pack up and it landed on top of the cupboard, and goth grinned mischievously. “That’s the payback for breaking the rules.”

Alice chuckled and continued.

“You’re always the first to wake up, you work at the music shop every day, from nine to six, you cook for everyone at least three times a week, and then, you party at Wonderland… And I feel tired just from hanging out with Bobby.”

Lottie sniggered.

“Bobby’s a ball of energy. To be honest, he’s been unusually calm since you two started hanging out. You’re a good influence.”

“ _That’_ s his calm?”

“Yep,” Charlotte started the dishwasher and turned to the tray with a few different bottles sitting on it. “The only reason I haven’t kicked his ass for constantly breaking the ‘no drugs inside the house’ rule is ‘cause he can’t manage without it. He sometimes just needs to smoke immediately – or his anxious manic phase will take over completely.”

Lottie sighed and shook her head.

“He’s better now, especially, with you. I think he sees you as a little sister that he needs to take care of, and it keeps him in check.”

“Well, I hope he doesn’t see me like that,” Alice grinned suddenly. “It’d be very disturbing, considering how many times he complimented my ass.”

Both girls looked at each other before bursting into giggles. Lottie wiped the tears off her cheeks and smiled widely:

“I knew we’ve met for a reason at the club,” She said warmly. “I really like you, even though I barely know you,” Lottie chewed on her lower lip before continuing: “Just… take care of him, okay? He’s like a fucking puppy, gets too deep and too fast, and most people can’t take it for long. I don’t want him to end up with his heart cracked, again.”

Alice’s heart sunk inside of the ribcage so painfully, she barely stopped her hand from clenching on her chest.

“I swear, I’ll never hurt him.”

Lottie nodded but before they could’ve continued, Bobby almost ran into the kitchen, throwing his arms around girls’ shoulders as he stepped between them. He pulled the both into a cuddle before glancing at the liquor tray.

“We should do something fun,” He grinned.

“Oh, I know just the thing!” Lottie shook off his hand and bent down to grab a garbage can.

“Take the garbage out.”

Bobby pouted.

“But it’s already dark and raining, ye can’t make me go out thare!”

“I can and I will,” She pushed him towards the backdoor. “Grab Chelsea’s umbrella of you’re scared you might melt if you walk under the rain.”

Alice barely held back laughter when Bobby grabbed a huge clear plastic umbrella with a bright pink trimming and opened it as he stepped outside. Dramatically, he walked towards the garbage cans at the end of the driveway.

“Och na!” He yelped as his foot slipped on the fallen leaves and he almost fell, letting go of the umbrella. “A’m melting, a’m melting!”

Lottie rolled her eyes when Bobby got back inside, shaking himself off like a puppy.

“What ah was ‘bout to say,” He grabbed two bottles of gin. “Chels suggested we play Never Have I Ever. Grab the glasses, lassies, and join the party.”

Alice felt her face turning red: she hated this game. She was usually the one who ended up sober and embarrassed for being boring and having absolutely no experience with anything. She was the one who’d everyone make fun of and ask if she wants to go to the cupboard so she could cross at least something off the list – and she just wanted to sink into the earth from embarrassment.

“Great!” Lottie opened one of the cabinets. “It’s a great way for us all to get to know each other,” She handed Alice a small tray and put six shot glasses onto it.

“I’ll slice some lime and be right there,” She pushed Alice towards the living room.

_You can do this._

“Finally,” Priya tutted as Alice walked into the room and snapped her fingers. “Well, move it, please.”

As slow as possible, Alice walked over to the center of the room where everyone was sitting on the carpet and lowered herself next to Bobby. She caught Lucas’ somehow amused gaze and bit back her comment. There was enough hostility in Priya’s tone of voice, and she didn’t want to start bickering.

Alice put the tray down in the middle of the circle, and Bobby screwed off the lid and started pouring drinks into glasses.

“Where’s Lottie?” Chelsea asked in a dead voice, and Alice couldn’t help but stare into her blown pupils.

“She… she’s cutting limes,” Alice leaned into Bobby when he passed her one of the glasses. “Is she high?” She whispered, nodding slightly at the blonde.

“Very much, yeah,” He looked unfazed. “Part of my usual order at Rocco’s is for her.”

She still wasn’t able to understand these people completely: she'll never be able to willingly let go of control over her own body and mind. Her life was already anything but her, and she couldn’t imagine herself doing drugs specifically to _stop_ being in control.

The memories of five months spent at that mental health clinic were too vivid. All those pills they stuffed her with that made her head empty, and almost killed her ability to feel anything at all – no, she will never let this happen to her again.

“Hey,” Bobby’s hand brushed her thigh. “Whatcha thinkin’ aout?”

“Nothing,” She shook her head slightly and gave him a little smile.

Lottie appeared in the doorway with a plate full of sliced limes.

“Alright, you lot, let’s play.”

She sat on the floor between Alice and Chelsea, and Lucas poured her a shot. Lottie raised her glass and looked at the others mischievously. Her eyes stopped at Chelsea for a second, and Alice noticed a quick frown that creased goth’s forehead for a moment. Apparently, pink-haired girl wasn’t as fine with Chelsea’s addiction as Bobby was, Alice thought to herself.

“Never have I ever… let a stranger into my house,” Lottie grinned at Alice and bottomed her glass.

To everyone’s surprise, Bobby bottomed his too.

“When ah was six, ah saw that hobo down the street and invited him to our house,” Bobby grinned. “Mah parents were not excited aout that.”

He refilled his and Lottie’s glasses and cocked his head musingly.

“Never have ah ever… let a stranger into mah home and then had sex with them.”

Everyone chuckled and bottomed their glasses.

“Oh?” Chelsea spotted that Alice didn’t touch her drink. “You’ve never hooked up with anyone?” She shrugged and continued, even slower than before: “Never have I ever… slept with my boss.”

She and Priya bottomed their glasses in perfect sync, and Priya raised her glass next. As always, Alice felt herself like an outsider, dreading the moment when they realize that she’s got nothing to bring to the table.

“Never have I ever… got caught fucking someone on the washing machine by my housemates.”

Bobby growled.

“It happened almost a year ago, and ye still can’t let it go!”

“I still don’t understand the mechanics of it,” Lucas mused, and Bobby rolled his eyes. 

Alice zoned out of the discussion why Bobby felt the need to use a washing machine as his sex swing, and just stared down at her untouched drink. She felt intimidated by these young women and men, with all their confessions and secrets that they’re unrevealed so willingly.

Her secrets weren’t sexy or fun. Her secrets were dark and heavy, and most of them she’ll carry to her grave. No one could know how deeply messed up she was – Bobby only saw the tip of the iceberg and he already was acting as if she was this broken porcelain doll that needed to be fixed and taken care of. If he knew what was going on inside of her mind, he’d ran away from her, terrified.

Her body was a battlefield, and her mind was a cage with no way out.

“…Alice should take a turn,” Chelsea’s voice snapped Alice out of her trance.

She looked up from the floor just to meet Lucas’ gaze. He was studying her with his eyes as if she was some kind of a rare species, and this smoldering stare made her heartbeat suddenly speed up. Hesitantly, she reached for her glass, trying to figure out what to say. She was a horrible liar, even though she seemed to be a pretty good actress, pretending to be okay for years. But she could never sell a complete lie, and she knew it.

She raised her glass, willing her hand not to shake.

“Never have I ever…”

Under everyone’s stares, her mind shut down. She was used to being a ‘little virgin’ how her friends used to call her – but now, it somehow felt different. All these people were part of the real world, not a bunch of spoiled kids whose parents bought their way into Uni and who only knew life by trashy Tv-shows.

These were the people she wanted to see her as one of them, not as this naïve spoon-fed child that she knew they thought she was. Her face was hot with embarrassment, and she could barely hear through the sudden rush of blood in her head.

It was way more than just her being inexperienced in sex – she had no idea what real life was, she was terrified of her reckless decision to leave everything behind, color her hair dark and forget Adelais Wright ever existed. She was so petrified that this stupid little game knocked her out of the loop completely, leaving her on the verge of a breakdown.

“Well?” Priya rushed her.

“Ali, ye okay?” Bobby reached for her stiffened hand, but she couldn’t even bring herself to speak. “Ye don’t have to play if ye don’t want to.”

Priya tilted her head to her side and a wicked grin spread across her mouth. She slowly tapped her long nails on the glass.

“Never have I ever… had any sex.”

Her voice hung in the air, making everyone stare at her.

“She’s a little virgin, aren’t you?”

She shouldn’t have felt so embarrassed. She shouldn’t have felt like everyone’s been laughing at her. She shouldn’t have cared for the stares they all gave her. She shouldn’t have had a panic attack in the middle of someone’s living room, over a bloody game.

And yet, her vision got blurred, and metal hoop tightened around her chest, kicking the air out of her lungs. Her mouth opened in vain, trying to catch any air but she couldn’t, and she let the darkness envelope her completely.


	8. Why is a raven like a writing desk?

_October 30, 2007_

_Newcastle_

“Shh, it’s okay, just follow my voice,” A soft, calm voice slowly slithered through the sound of blood rushing through her head. “Everyone, get the hell out of here, Bobby, I need ice and water. Now, move it.”

A gentle but firm hand started stroking her back, and slowly, Alice felt like she could breathe again.

“You’re doing great, just keep breathing,” The same familiar voice whispered to her. “Just follow my voice and inhale, yes, just like that – now, exhale.”

She followed his guidance, slowly coming back into reality. First, she felt her body again. Her arms and legs seemed way too heavy to even try to move them, and her ears were filled with buzz, and her mouth was dry, and her head was splitting in two.

“Shh, take it easy,” Man’s voice sounded too familiar, but Alice couldn’t tell who it belonged to. “There’s no need to rush, just keep breathing, yes, that’s right, just in and out,” He kept stroking her hair and back gently, and Alice let her body relax completely in those strong, caring arms.

Alice finally remembered what had happened, and a wave of embarrassment washed all over her body, making her stiffen in man’s arms. He brought her closer to himself, tightening his grip, and said firmly:

“Stop it, immediately. You only need to breathe, do it for me.”

“A've brought th' ice 'n' water,” Bobby’s voice sounded somewhere near, and Alice slowly cracked her eyes open, trying to focus her blurred vision.

“Easy there.”

Finally, she managed to look at the man whose arms were still wrapped around her, and immediately her face flushed red as Lucas looked back at her. There was no usual grin on his face, no flames in his eyes – only concern, and concentration. He studied her face for a moment before waving at Bobby.

“Ice.”

Bobby immediately pushed the bucket closer to the older man, and Lucas grabbed a cube and brought it to Alice’s mouth. She parted her parched lips obediently, sighing with relief when he finally placed ice onto her tongue – she wouldn’t be able to swallow water through the lump in her throat.

“How urr ye?” Bobby squatted next to them, looking into Alice’s eyes.

She tried to respond but just ended up spitting the ice, coughing, and wincing in pain. Lucas immediately gave Bobby an irritated look.

“Get out of here, she needs rest, not an interrogation,” Lucas pinned Bobby with a stern look. “Well? Move it!”

Bobby glanced at Alice again, and she nodded weakly, not able to speak, and Scot left the room with a worried expression on his face. Lucas turned his attention back to the girl and brushed his hand across her forehead.

It was just embarrassing, being taken care of like that as if she was a little child, and she tried pulling away.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Lucas’ hand on her back pressed harder. “You had a panic attack just now, you need rest.”

He grabbed another ice cube and cocked his eyebrow expectedly. Alice managed a small huff and turned her head away from him even though she was still parched. It was enough of humiliation for one night, even without him playing doctor with her.

He squinted and slightly pushed the girl until her back pressed against the couch. Then, he caught her chin between his fingers, making her look at him, and moved his other hand to her face.

“Don’t try me,” He said in a low, dangerously calm voice.

He threw an almost melted ice cube back into the bucket and picked another one. This time, he slowly ran it across her forehead first, leaving a wet trail on her paperwhite skin and then moved it to her cheekbone, still colored with a feverish blush. Alice breath stuttered at the sensation, and she couldn’t help but close her eyes, enjoying this strange feeling.

The ice cube slowly moved to her mouth, and she snapped her eyes open when Lucas’ fingers brushed her lips. He looked at her intently, studying her reaction before pressing his thumb to her lower lip. She sucked whatever was left of the cube into her mouth desperately, her throat suddenly sore and aching, almost choking on it.

“No need to be so _greedy_ ,” Man said quietly, reaching for another piece of ice, and his voice sent thrills down her spine.

Now, he dragged the cube deliberately over her lower lip, leaving a wait trail that she tried to lick off almost unconsciously, and her tongue brushed against Lucas’ fingers, making him hold his breath for a quick moment. She was still too exhausted and not thinking straight, and so damn thirsty, and her mouth followed his fingers involuntarily when he pulled his hand away from her.

Without any permission from her brain, her lips wrapped around his fingers, her tongue flickering against his fingertips to catch the drops of water. Lucas froze, almost taken aback. She was clearly in a state where she had little to no control over her actions, still too fragile after her episode.

His dick twitched in his pants as she suddenly sucked hard on his fingers, pushing herself forward, and this sensation of her hot mouth wrapped around his sensitive skin almost made him growl. Her large icy grey eyes stared at him, and it became too damn hard to resist.

Lucas leaned forward, running his thumb over the girl’s lips, his fingers still caught in the hot wetness of her mouth. Her fragile frame seemed even smaller now, and she _felt_ so little next to him as if he was a skyscraper and she was a villa cottage.

He placed his hand onto the small of her back, pulling the girl onto his lap in a swift motion. Now, her face was right before his, and she could see little flames of fire playing at the bottoms of his almost black eyes. She looked at him almost hypnotized, unsure if she was actually awake – everything felt unreal. His hand slipping down to rest on her butt, his fingers gently brushing her lips, her hands resting on his thighs – none of that could’ve been real.

She could feel the heat radiating from his body, and this heat was slowly crawling inside her, spreading through her body in waves. She was still dizzy with the post adrenaline rush, and her body reacted the same moment his fingers left her lips and slowly moved down her throat leaving a wet trail on her skin.

With a soft sigh, she leaned into his touch, and the man before her chuckled darkly.

“So needy,” He whispered leaning over to graze her earlobe with his lips, and her breath stuttered when he ran his tongue over the sensitive skin behind her ear.

Her body trembled when his hand slipped under her loose t-shirt, caressing her back almost gently, as his lips explored her neck. This mas madness, she was absolutely insane, but she couldn’t even bring herself to tell him to stop, her own body betrayed her and submitted into his touches, too exhausted to resist.

“No!” A sudden loud voice snapped them back into reality immediately. “I’m gonna check on her now, I don’t care…”

The moment Lucas shoved Alice off his lap was the moment when the heavy sliding doors opened, revealing Lottie’s angry face. Bobby was dragging behind, his face a mix of worry and determination.

“How is she?” The pink-haired girl stared at Alice’s deep red cheeks.

“I-I’m okay,” The younger girl managed to answer, avoiding even looking at Lucas. “I just need to lie down for a bit.”

She tried to get up, but her legs felt like jelly, and she almost collapsed back on the floor. Bobby rushed to catch her and wrapped one arm tightly around her waist and hooked her legs with another.

“Ah take care of her,” Bobby turned to goth. “Lottie, make her some of yer herbal tea, yeah?”

Charlotte nodded turning to Lucas, but Alice couldn’t see or hear them anymore as Bobby carried her up the stairs. He smelt faintly of gin and limes and weed, and some kind of pastries mixed with his cologne, and she nuzzled her face into his chest, closing eyes for a second.

She refused to think about what just had happened in the living room. It was enough of humiliation for just one evening, if she started analyzing her behavior just a few moments ago, she might as well check into that Dublin mental health clinic again.

“Awright, little lass,” Bobby pushed the door to her room open. “Almost thare.”

He carefully lowered her onto the bed, and Alice hesitantly let go of his neck, curling into a ball immediately.

“Na,” He said firmly. “Ye'r nae sleeping wi' yer claes oan.”

His accent got thinker, and Alice thought that he must be nervous… because he’s worried about her? This simple thought made her heart swell inside her chest, and Alice rolled over onto her side.

“Thank you,” It was still a bit hard to speak, but she had to let Bobby know how much she appreciated him.

“Do ye need help?” He nodded at her clothes instead of an answer.

Slowly, her brain started functioning again, and just the thought that he might see her body almost sent her into another panic attack.

“No,” She shook her head, barely managing to hide the panic in her voice. “Would you pass me my pajama, please?”

Bobby jumped to his feet and returned a moment later with a long-sleeved pajama shirt and pants and put it on the bed next to the girl.

“Would you… turn away?”

“Whit?” It seemed like this thought never crossed his mind. “Um, yeah, sure…”

He walked closer to the window and looked outside, trying to see through the fogged-up glass. Alice quickly unclasped her bra and took it off without taking off her t-shirt and pulled the sleeping shirt on. Then, she wiggled out of her jeans not letting herself even a glance on her legs and changed into pajama bottoms. The entire thing took less than half a minute, and she climbed into the center of her bed before calling for Bobby.

“Hey,” She said quietly, and he turned to her the same moment.

“Ye okay?” He chewed on his lips and slowly approached the bed, unsure of what to do.

They’ve heard approaching footsteps, and a few seconds later, Lottie appeared in the doorway, caring two steamy mugs in her hands. She put both mugs onto the nightstand next to Alice's bed and softly stroked her dark hair.

“Are you feeling better?”

“Yes,” Alice nodded, feeling her cheeks flushing hot with embarrassment. “I’m so sorry for all of this…”

“Nonsense!” Lottie waved her hand. “Priya’s a bitch.”

Goth yawned widely.

“I’m really okay,” Alice managed a little smile. “Really, thank you for this,” She nodded at the mugs. “Now, go get some rest. You need to be in your best form tomorrow, miss Sexy Witch.”

Lottie giggled and slowly got up. She ruffled Bobby’s hair and gave him a quick peck on the lips before leaving.

“It should be fine tae drink by noo,” He carefully sat on the bed and handed Alice her mug. “Drink in small sips, okay?”

She nodded and did as he said. She couldn’t make out the specific herbs Lottie used for this blend, but the taste was somewhat earthy and sweet and reminded her of heather honey. Bobby was studying her cautiously, unsure of what to say.

“Would you… would you stay with me?” Alice asked quietly. “It’s okay if you don’t want to, I-“

“O' course, ah will stay,” Bobby grinned and jumped to his feet again, pulling his shirt up. He caught her gaze and stopped. “If ye’r uncomfortable, ah can stay in mah clothes.”

Alice shook her head.

“No, no, it’s not that,” She was glad he couldn’t see her blushing. “I’m not an absolute prude, I’m not going to make you sleep fully clothed.”

Bobby grinned and yanked off his shirt and started unbuckling his belt.

“Urr ye gonnae watch? Ah micht hae tae charge ye fur th' shaw.”

He laughed when she jerked her head immediately to look at the wall.

“Ah was joking, silly lassie,” He climbed under the duvet and leaned his back against the pillow.

Bobby studied the girl for a long moment before asking softly: “Just now… ye didn’t want mah help…”

He trailed off, suddenly not knowing what to say – or how to say it. Alice sighed and turned to him, trying not to sound too desperate.

“There is this… ugly part of me,” She said slowly. “The part that I don’t want you to see,” She gently placed her hand on Bobby’s cheek. “Because if you see it, you won’t be able to stop thinking about it. And I… I don’t want you to think about that part of me.”

It wasn’t just about how ugly her body was, with all those scars and somewhat healed cuts. She was ugly on the inside, completely rotten and damaged beyond repair, this evening showed it clearly. She could’ve run and hide forever, but she will never escape that darkness inside of her. There was something seriously wrong with her, to be the way she was.

Her face flushed hot at the memory of her sitting in Lucas’ lap like a damn lapdog, so obedient and willing to… to what? Alice felt the need to slap herself. She couldn’t blame him – she was the culprit. If she wasn’t so messed up, if she wasn’t so damaged - If she was normal, he wouldn’t have reacted like that. It was all her fault, she was just too broken.

Bobby's hand squeezed her shoulder firmly.

"Ye can't scare me away, lass. A'm not afraid of any part of ye."

He pressed his lips to her forehead in a lingering, comforting kiss. 

"Ah will wait fur whin ye'r ready tae shaw me that part. A've got many parts od mah own to show ye," Bobby suddenly winked and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. 

Alice laughed softly.

"I guess it's only logical since the entire house seems to be pretty familiar with your... _parts_."

"Sassy Lassie," His hand slipped down her back and gave her butt a soft pat before Bobby pulled the girl into a cuddle. "Now, sleep. Ye'v got to be in ye best shape fur tomorrow's Halloween marathon."

She closed her eyes, sinking deeper into Bobby's armpit. She was too exhausted to think about anything, even about the fact that tomorrow she'll get one more unhappy year older. 


	9. I wonder if I've been changed in the night.

_Newcastle,_

_October 31, 2007_

“Ali,” Bobby’s voice slowly pulled her out of sleep. “Wake up, sleepy lassie.”

Alice cracked one eye open. Bobby was sitting on the bed next to her, a tray with food and coffee on his lap.

“Morning,” She propped herself up and pushed the duvet slightly aside. “What’s this?”

“Breakfast,” His face broke into a smile.

Covering her mouth as she yawned, Alice leaned forward to grab one of the coffee mugs. Memories of last night started returning to her slowly, and her face flushed red with embarrassment. She broke, right in front of everyone’s eyes. Just because she got too much into her head and let her anxiety take control over her.

“Thank you,” She mumbled before hiding her face behind the mug as she took several large sips.

“Nah, Lottie made it, a’m just delivering.”

He studied her face for a long moment before continuing.

“How urr ye feeling?”

She felt like a complete and utter idiot. Like a loser she was. She felt like she wanted to hide in her room until everyone forgets how much of a weirdo she was.

“I’m okay,” Alice reached for a toast.

Bobby nodded, pretending that he believed her.

“Dae ye mind?” He waved a familiar cigarette pack in front of her face, and she remembered Lottie’s words that Bobby sometimes can’t control himself and needs drugs to keep him sane.

“Since when do you need my permission to get high first thing in the morning?” She smirked, taking a bite.

“Since a’m in yer room, ye boot.”

He jumped off the bed and walked to the window. Alice watched him as he moved the curtains aside and pushed up the frame to let the fresh morning air fill the room before he pulled a roll-up out of the pack and lit it up. She saw the moment his body relaxed as Bobby took a puff and propped himself up onto the windowsill, swinging his legs.

Alice took another sip of her coffee, grabbed another mug, and walked over to Scot.

“Cheers,” He smiled at her, taking the drink from her hand. “So, whatcha wanna dae? We’ve got a few hours before the parade.”

“Parade?”

Bobby frowned.

“Halloween parade. C’mon, a’v told ye aboot it three times.”

Alice nodded slowly: she remembered Bobby mentioning their little tradition of dressing up and marching the streets half-drunk half-high but never thought he’d expect her to join. Big crowds and gatherings were never her things before and won’t be in the future, even night clubs gave her more anxiety than excitement.

Bobby studied her face for a second before, sighed, and threw the stub out of the window.

“Ye dinnae want to go, dae ye?”

“It’s just not my thing,” Alice forced a little apologetic smile. “I don’t feel comfortable in big crowds.”

 _He must think I’m such a flower_ , she frowned to herself. In the past two weeks, she’d done things she wouldn’t even think of doing before. Like sharing her bed with Bobby – she never slept in the same bed with a guy before, and it caught her by surprise how comfortable and almost natural it felt, falling asleep wrapped into strong, warm arms.

She sighed quietly: if he wanted her to go, she’ll go.

“I-I will go if you want me to,” She brushed his forearm with her fingers, tracing up his tattoos.

He was still only wearing his boxers, and for a second, she wondered what it might feel like, to be so confident in your own body? She stopped going to the beach a few years back when she realized that there wasn’t a way to cover the scars on her thighs and arms, and she never let anyone see her while she was changing. Seeing Bobby so confident and relaxed, it made her hate herself just a little more, for everything that she’d done to herself.

“Ah dinnae want ye to feel uncomfortable,” Bobby put down his mug and grabbed the girl’s hand, pulling her closer. “Ah just want ye to have fun, ye know?”

“I’ll go to Wonderland with you, I promise,” She weaved her fingers through his dreads.

“Aye?”

“Yeah,” Alice smiled at him adoringly. “But before then, I’ll need to go to the library and use one of their computers. I should really start looking for a job and I need a resume for that.”

Bobby huffed.

“A’m sure Lottie won’t issue a late rent notice if ye hold back the payment.”

“I don’t want to abuse her kindness,” Alice shook her head. “And also, I need money to buy a car, and some other clothes, unless you want to land me some of your knickers.”

Bobby chuckled and tapped her nose with his forefinger.

“Ah have a wide selection,” He smirked. “And ah have a car. Ah can drive ye whenever and wherever ye need.”

It was Bobby all over, and Alice couldn’t help a little smile forming at the corners of her mouth. She remembered what Lottie told her yesterday, remembered how the pink-haired girl asked her to take care of him, and her heart swollen inside of her chest. So far, he was the one who’s been taking care of her since the moment they’ve met, treating her like a porcelain doll, absolutely unprepared for life.

And she was – she was unprepared. With each passing day, she felt more and more detached from the world. Spending days with Bobby and dancing at the Wonderland – it wasn’t a real-life, even though it felt more real than anything she’d experienced before.

“I know,” She said finally. “I just… I want to do something myself, at least, I want to try.”

Bobby nodded slowly and caught her chin between his thumb and forefinger.

“Ah know, ah just,” He frowned. “Ah really care about ye.”

“I care about you, too, you’ve got no idea how grateful I am for having you in my life.”

Her words sounded too heavy, too serious for an early morning, but Alice meant every word. She couldn’t imagine what her life would’ve been now hadn’t she went to Wonderland that night. She wouldn’t have met Charlotte and without her, there’d be no Bobby, and just the mere thought of not having this flamboyant Scot was terrifyingly painful.

“It’s not much considering I never had one, but… you’re my best friend Bobby,” She said softly, making sure her voice doesn’t tremble with tears.

He pulled her into a tight embrace, and Alice nuzzled her face into his firm chest, clasping her hands on his shoulders as if afraid that he might just disappear. Bobby placed a soft kiss on top of her head before pulling slightly away, his hands still wrapped around her tiny waist.

“Ye really should eat more,” He noted, glancing back at the barely touched breakfast. “A’m aff tae showers when a’m back, a’m expecting to see a clear plate, aye?”

Alice laughed and gave him a salute.

“Yes, sir!”

Bobby poked her nose slightly and jumped off the windowsill, stretching.

“Ah see ye in a few.”

When he left her room, Alice flopped on the bed and grabbed her toast. She still had enough money to make it through the next couple of months, but she knew: the longer she lets herself stay in this little world of hers, the harder it’ll be to get back into reality. She had to find a way to keep herself busy during the days, she had to find a way to learn how to live in the real world, how to live at all.

Mindlessly, she finished her breakfast and opened the closet. She hated that she couldn’t even wear a t-shirt knowing that she’ll have to take off the leather jacket. She picked a beige cashmere sweater with long sleeves and black leggings and frowned to herself: how long it will take the others to figure out that they had never seen her arms and legs? How long before Priya would have something to say on the matter?

Alice scowled: she already hated that girl. She’s been nothing but a bitch towards her, and Alice knew that at one point they will clash when the older girl goes off on her at a particularly bad moment.

“Heads-up,” Bobby’s head peeked in the doorway. “There’s no hot water in the shower, use the bathroom downstairs.”

She rolled her eyes: that’s what you get when you share a house with god knows how many people.

“Ah will take this downstairs,” Bobby walked into her room still only wearing a bath towel wrapped around his hips and grabbed the tray.

“Thank you, Bobby,” Alice smiled at him and turned to the cabinet to find a fresh towel before following him downstairs.

She closed the bathroom door behind herself and leaned her back against it, trying to calm down her suddenly ragged breath before yanking off her pajama. Undressing in bright light was always a nerve-wracking experience, and Alice tried not to catch her own reflection in a large mirror as she stepped into the shower stall.

Standing under the streams, she closed her eyes, letting the hot water wash away the memories of last night’s breakdown. She still felt embarrassed about her reaction, and she knew Priya and Chelsea will have a few things to say, so she had to prepare herself for all the digs.

If not for Lucas, her meltdown might’ve not ended with just embarrassment.

Blood rushed faster in her veins as Alice remembered his arms cradling her like a child and the way he told her to breathe, guiding her to the other side. And then… _that_ had happened. She still had no idea what ‘that’ it was, she had no control over herself whatsoever when she decided that sucking his fingers was somehow normal.

She swallowed hard at the memory, almost feeling his fingertips pressing on her tongue, and her pulse quickened. Alice rubbed her face furiously, trying to get rid of the sudden feeling of Lucas’ lips on her neck, and his hand caressing her back almost gently. A soft sigh escaped her lips as she imagined how it’d feel if he actually kissed her, and her own hand almost slipped between her legs.

She cursed through her clenched teeth and turned the hot tap off, shivering under suddenly ice-cold streams of water, hoping that it will help her to calm down. Her skin bristled with goosebumps, but she kept standing there, her jaw set, and palms balled into fists until her core stopped pulsing and the buzz in her ears subsided.

Finally, she turned the tap off and stepped out of the stall, wrapping a towel tightly around herself, and looked into the mirror. She studied her protruding collarbones, running the tips of her fingers over it, and then stretched her arms forward, inner sides down, so she couldn’t see the cuts. She dragged her gaze from her dainty wrists up to her shoulders, and then took a step back to look at her legs, covered enough to hide all visible scars.

She really should eat more, Bobby was right.

She turned her back to the mirror and let the towel fall to the floor as she reached for her underwear, frowning: if Priya saw it, she’d definitely say that this is exactly why she was still a virgin. No silk or lace, just simple black cotton hip-huggers, and a bralette, her lingerie was just as boring as she herself.

Alice pulled on her leggings and turned back to the mirror to open one of the drawers and grab a disposable toothbrush.

The bathroom door suddenly flew open, and she almost choked on the toothpaste when Lucas burst in, clearly annoyed.

He stopped dead the moment he saw the girl.

“Oh,” He grinned. “Hello, Alice.”

She managed to hold back a yelp and just grabbed her sweater, covering her arms awkwardly.

“What are you doing here?” She finally asked, staring at the man. “The door was locked.”

“No, it wasn’t,” He shrugged. “There’s no hot water upstairs, damn old bucket of bolts.”

Alice chuckled, surprised by his word choice.

“Well, this bathroom is taken, so leave,” She felt her cheeks turning bright pink under his stare.

“Why would I?” Lucas cocked his head slightly. “You saw me naked.”

“I never wanted to,” Alice frowned. “Also, I’m still waiting for you to return my shirt.”

He looked at her with a flicker of amusement in his eyes, holding her gaze for a very long moment before suddenly he started undoing his perfectly ironed white button-up. She watched him gobsmacked, incapable to even ask what the hell he was doing. Lucas untacked the shirt from his pants and shimmied out of it.

Before Alice could react, he stepped forward and snatched the sweater out of her hands.

“Turn around,” He said calmly.

When she didn’t, he sighed irritably and placed the shirt onto her shoulders, his eyes still locked with her, and pushed her arms into the sleeves.

“W-what are you doing?” Her body was trembling under his confident touch, and her brain suddenly snapped back on as he grabbed her left hand, almost turning it the inner side up.

She pushed his hand away, covering herself with his shirt, hoping that he didn’t notice a huge scar on the crease.

“I owed you a shirt,” Lucas shrugged. “Plus, it looks better than your grandma sweater.”

Her face was burning when she finally pushed her hand into the sleeve, not having a will to argue. It was weird, and she should’ve probably just told him to get the hell out, but something about him didn’t let her do any of that.

“Let me help,” Lucas said after watching her for a few seconds as she tried buttoning his shirt awkwardly.

Slowly, she started adjusting to how weird all their encounters were – and how normal they seem to him. And it got her thinking – maybe she was the mad one?

Alice shook her head, finally recomposing herself.

“Thanks,” She gave him a sarcastic nod. “I appreciate your work as a personal stylist.”

Lucas chuckled and tightened the ends of his shirt in a knot, letting it hang loose just above the girl’s hips and left a few buttons undone, so it was falling off her shoulder as she moved.

“Got any fun plans?” He asked casually, bending down to grab another disposable toothbrush.

Alice studied him for a moment as if she couldn’t believe what she just heard.

“I-I need to go to the library,” She answered finally, ready to leave.

“I can drop you off there, I’m going to downtown either way.”

She looked at the man as if he’d grown a second head, and Lucas chuckled softly and rinsed his mouth. He took a step closer to the girl, almost making her back press against the wall just next to the door and used his crooked forefinger to grab her chin and tilt her head up.

“I’m always glad to be of service,” He almost purred into space between her, and his Cheshire grin made the little hairs on girl’s arms bristle.

“So, now you’re not just a doctor but also a personal driver?” Alice managed to cock an eyebrow at him, mentally asking her heart to stop thumping. His closeness made her body tremble, and she had to press her palm against the wall behind her just in case her knees buckle.

Lucas smirked.

“What can I say, dear Alice,” He traced his finger across her collarbone. “I’m a man of many talents,” He brushed a strand of wet hair out of her face. “Don’t forget to dry your hair.”

He left the bathroom, leaving her red-faced and flustered, and wondering if she was imagining things.

“Ali!” Bobby’s voice cut through the buzz of the blow-dryer.

His eyes widened as he saw her outfit.

“Whit the actual fuck?”

She put down the blow-dryer and brushed her fingers through the long strands, smoothing it out.

“Don’t even ask,” Alice evaluated her reflection before turning to Bobby. “Wow.”

Booby was wearing black skinny jeans ripped on thighs, a black t-shirt that fit like a glove, hugging his chiseled chest, and displaying the sleeves of his tattoos. He was playing with his lip ring and for a moment Alice watched his tongue flickering in and out of his mouth.

“How come you’re better at make-up than I am,” She studied his smoky eye look and sighed. “I just look like a raccoon when I try doing something like this.”

“Ah, lassie, a’ma teach ye a lesson tonight,” Bobby grinned and grabbed the girl’s hand, pulling her closer to whisper: “How come urr ye sportin' that dick’s shirt?”

“I told you not to ask,” She sighed. “But I guess, you’re not the one to follow orders.”

“Aye,” Bobby’s fingers fiddled with one of the buttons. “A rebel, remember?”

Alice rolled her eyes.

“He walked on me because apparently, the stupid lock is here just as eye candy,” She huffed.

“Still, doesn’t explain the look.”

How could she explain something she didn’t understand herself? Whenever Lucas was around, she felt this grim cocktail of annoyance, lust, a strong need to submit to him, and even stronger need not to show him any emotions at all. She had absolutely no idea what to do with any of those emotions, how to deal with this side of her that kept dreaming about him and that was the reason she had to take an ice-cold shower.

“He said he’s going to drop me off at the library since he’s heading there,” Alice switched the topic. “I know you have a run-through with the band before tonight’s gig,” She frowned. “It was nice of Kassam to let Paisley Cuddle play on Halloween night.”

Bobby frowned a bit.

“Trust me, his sweetness had nothing to do with it,” He suddenly sounded serious, almost losing his accent completely. “He knows we’re good, and Lottie asked him to let us play. Now, she owes him a favor.”

The line on his forehead got deeper, and Alice gently brushed her fingertips over it. She still wasn’t sure what kind of relationship connected all these people, she only knew that Lottie was the most selfless person she’d ever met. She brought a stranger into her home, she treated her like a dear friend, she went out of her way to help her with everything, and Alice didn’t know how to repay the pink-haired girl for her kindness.

Bobby shook his head like a puppy and grinned.

“Ye need something to finish yer look,” He unclipped one of the chains and wrapped it around her neck. “Now, perfect.”

He slipped his finger into the hollow of the metal ring and pulled Alice closer.

“Be careful, eh?” His amber eyes stared deeply into her icy-grey. “Ah dinnae know whit his game is but be careful around him. And call me anytime, aye?”

Alice nodded slowly and rose to her tiptoes to kiss his cheek.

“He’s just giving me a lift, nothing more.”

She slid out of the bathroom and went upstairs to grab her phone and put on the boots. She breathed deeply, calming down her fastened pulse. After what happened last night, she doubted that this man was suddenly feeling altruistic to just drive her to the library without wanting anything in return.

She didn’t know what exactly he wanted from her – or what she wanted from him, for that matter.

Alice grabbed her mascara, frowning at herself for feeling the need to make herself look better for some random guy who she didn’t even like. Barely consciously, she ran her fingers up the sleeve of Lucas’ shirt, not having any explanation as to why she let him get her dress like his very own Barbie doll.

She shook her head, grabbed her wallet on a chain, and went downstairs, where Lucas and Bobby were just standing in awkward silence, presumably, both waiting for her.

Bobby reached for her – his – leather jacket and helped her to get it on, holding her shoulders for a long moment, his face nuzzled into her hair.

“I don’t have the entire morning,” Lucas huffed, snapping his fingers. “Save the cuddles for your ridiculous band.”

He grabbed Alice by the forearm and opened the door before her. She looked at Bobby over her shoulder.

“I’ll see you soon.”

Lucas walked her to his Lexus and opened the passenger door for her, letting her climb in, and slammed it shut. She watched him from under her lashes, trying to figure out why he suddenly seemed so irritated. He took his seat and started the engine, and the same moment car filled with Nocturne N20.

She’d recognized this music anywhere, anytime, and it almost kicked the breath out of her.

He watched her reaction with a mix of amusement and concern, and then said slowly, drawing the words out:

“You’ve got piano fingers.”

“I used to play,” She nodded, too caught up in the memories of the last time she played this composition.

“Were you good?”

She sent him a quick glance.

“Not enough.”

She was ever good enough. She always had to work harder, be the best, anything else was considered a failure _, she_ was considered a failure.

“Is that why you stopped?”

“Mainly, yes.”

And also, because right after finishing playing, she took all the sleeping pills she had and then spent the entire summer in the psychiatric ward.

“It’s a shame then,” Lucas turned left smoothly. “I’d like to hear you play sooner rather than later.”

Her cheeks suddenly flushed.

“Why?”

He laughed softly, and the sound of his voice sent a thousand goosebumps all over the girl’s body. Instead of an answer, he tilted his head slightly to the side, as if getting a better look at her.

“As much as my shirt suits you, I’d like seeing you dressed… less like Bobby.”

She snapped her eyes up at him.

“Well, sucks for you, since _I_ like seeing myself dressed like Bobby,” Alice’s upper lip twitched a little.

“Feeling a bit rebellious these days?” Lucas seemed to be completely unfazed by her snappy reply and smiled knowingly.

She huffed and turned away from him, staring into the window. He wasn’t wrong, but she wasn’t going to let him know that.

Finally, he pulled over and stopped the car.

“Thank you,” She mumbled, ready to skip off, but the man caught her hand, making her look at him.

“You’re welcome,” His voice went a bit lower as his eyes flickered to her lips for just a split of a second, making her heart thump faster in her chest.

Still holding her wrist in his fingers, Lucas bent over her knees and fished a card out of the glove compartment.

“In case you ever need a ride.”

She took the card from his fingers, climbed out of the car with a sigh of relief and barely registered disappointment, and walked into the library. She paid for two hours at the computer and followed the signs leading her to the second floor of the old building.

It was dusty and dark, and Alice couldn’t help the chills running down her spine as she took the seat at the table in the far corner, facing a dirty window. It started raining again, and for a few long minutes, she just froze, staring at the streams of water as they were running down the muddy glass.

Suddenly, someone’s hand touched her shoulder, and a familiar alluring voice whispered into her ear:

“Fancy meeting you here, sweet Alice.”


	10. And what is the use of a book without pictures or conversations?

_Newcastle,_

_October 31, 2007_

“W-what are you doing here?” Alice tilted her head to the side, her heart suddenly hammering in her chest like clappers.

Somehow, this dusty, barely lit library suited him, just like his black fitted pants, shimmering silver button-up, and black frockcoat. He ran his fingers along her jawline and sat on the desk, resting his hands on both of his sides.

“Being late for a meeting,” He tapped his wristwatch and smirked. “That bitch can wait since I now have a way more interesting thing to do this morning.”

Alice tried to ignore the stare of his cold blue eyes and looked back at the computer screen, focusing on the task at hand – figuring out how to write a resume without telling her real name. She had enough experience but if people start calling her previous supervisors, sooner rather than later the rumors will reach her family, and they’ll find her and drag her back, and she rather died than spent the next fifty years pretending to be someone she wasn’t.

Her fingers fluttered over the keyboard, typing her previous internship at one of the London newspapers, and Kassam’s eyes widened with curiosity.

“Looking for a job, little Alice?”

“Just like everyone else,” She managed to answer without stuttering.

“If you need cash, Wonderland always needs cute girls like yourself. And the fact that Hope can’t stand you is another reason for me to want you there.”

Alice looked up at the guy. It was a tempting offer and an easy option. He clearly didn’t need any references and didn’t care who she was. If she works there for a couple of months, she’ll have the money to pay rent and buy some tattered car. And by then, she’ll figure out the rest.

“You’d do that for me?” She asked quietly, grazing her lower lip between her teeth.

“Absolutely,” Kassam stroked a stray strand of hair out of the girl’s face. “Just like you will do something for me.”

Her breath hitched as the guy leaned forward, piercing her with his stare.

“Like what?” Alice’s tongue flickered out of her mouth to wet her lips unconsciously.

“You’ll know when it’s time,” DJ said softly and slid off the desk gracefully. “You’ll need an appropriate outfit.”

“To be a waitress?” She raised an eyebrow, and Kassam chuckled softly.

“You can’t be a snob if you’re planning to do the work, Alice,” He caught her chin between his thumb and forefinger. “If you want to get the tips, you’ve got to look part.”

He extended his arm, and she only could accept it, following the man out of the store. Every time he was around, she found it hard to resist whatever hypnotic power he held over her. Suddenly, she was now a waitress at a dodgy night club, and she agreed to follow an almost stranger to wherever the hell he was taking her – and on top of that, now she owed him a favor.

Things were getting weirder and weirder by each day, and whatever dreams of finding herself Alice previously had, now, they were all gone, as she had never felt more confused in her entire life.

They walked a few streets until finally, Kassam stopped before one of the little stores with a neon sign and female mannequins dressed like streetwalkers in the windows. He opened the door and let her into a small, poorly lit store.

“Lidia!” He called for someone, almost making Alice jump: this was the only time his voice wasn’t soft and quiet. Now, he sounded demanding and stern, like a teacher talking to a student.

A petite, dark-haired girl emerged from the back room, her eyes lowered as she walked up to them.

She was wearing killer stilettos that must’ve been hurting her feet, a short black dress with a high neck and fishnet tights.

“If that’s your idea of a perfect outfit,” Alice let her rolled eyes finish her thought, and Kassam’s brow furrowed slightly as if he was weighing her words.

“What exactly is that you have a problem with?”

Alice traced her gaze from the still silent sales assistant to Kassam.

“I don’t do stiletto heels, that’s first,” She finally managed to shake off the weird trance he put her in. “Second, I don’t wear short skirts without black tights. Never.”

His eyebrows arched, heading to unknown depths of cosmos.

“That’s the most ridiculous hard limit I’ve come across.”

“The what now?” Alice gawked at him for a moment before shaking her head. “Anyway, I really don’t need fashion advice from a guy who once wore silver spats.”

He looked at her amused before turning to Lidia.

“Find something for her,” His eyes narrowed at her fingers as she pulled on the sleeves of her dress. “Oh, interesting. I guess we’ll have a little chat after you’re done with the client.”

Lidia’s face flushed red and she nodded without looking up at the man. Alice followed the other girl with her eyes as they both went about the store choosing a few options for her. Kassam flopped on the couch near the counter, and Lidia finally looked up.

“You have a great body,” She noted. “Anything will look great on you.”

Alice huffed: she was too skinny and looked like she was fifteen, she wouldn’t exactly call it ‘great’. But since the other girl had the same body as her, she just smiled politely, running her fingers through thick silver body chains.

“You want to try one of those?” Lidia asked softly.

“No,” Alice laughed. “I mean, I think my friend would’ve loved this,” She picked up one of the chains with thick leather straps attached to the chunky links. “I just don’t know if it’s his size. He probably weighs around 75 kilos and 178 centimeters, he’s not a gym buff but he’s fit.”

Lidia nodded.

“I’ll find the right size. Now, try some of these,” She glanced at the pile of clothing in her hands and walked Alice towards the dressing room.

As she was left alone in the dressing room, Alice rolled her eyes at her own reflection. In Bobby’s words, what the actual fuck was she doing there? She stared at all the leather, silk, and fishnet pieces and sighed: Kassam was probably right about her outfits affecting the way people will tip her. After all, it was a night club, not a school stationery shop, wearing oversized sweaters and jeans wasn’t an option.

Thankfully, Lidia picked a few options with long sleeves, and Alice pulled on a tight off-shoulders crop top with long sleeves and paired it with a black and silver pleated skirt that barely covered her ass. Not looking down, she swapped her leggings for black half-sheer tights and then looked at her thighs. In the dim light, her scars weren’t even noticeable, and she let out a soft sigh.

She looked like a cheap prostitute but that was the point, right?

Alice was ready to step out of the dressing room to show her look to Lidia when she heard strange noises from behind the wall as if something was cutting through the air and then crushing against… something? Someone? She couldn’t identify the sound, but she could swear that it wasn’t just a mechanical noise.

She shrugged it off and pushed the curtain aside and walked out of the cube.

“Is anyone there?” She called uncertainly. “I thought you both would be excited to see how ridiculous I look.”

“Um, one second,” Lidia’s strangled voice sounded from the backroom along with some rustle, and a few moments later she appeared in the doorway, her cheeks feverishly red.

Kassam walked out of the backroom, unfazed, and Alice slowly dragged her gaze from the girl’s blushing face to his unbuckled belt. Her face flushed red, too, and she had to look aside.

“Unless Mr. Fashion Police mind, I’ll take these,” She pointed at her outfit. “And the chain.”

“The chain?” Kassam cocked his eyebrow as he pulled the wallet out of his pocket.

“For Bobby,” Alice shot him a look. “And I can pay for my own clothes, thank you very much. Owing you one favor is more than enough.”

She felt this sudden rush of frustration at the thought that he probably just had sex in the back room, while Lottie wasn’t around. Alice knew they weren’t a couple, but she still couldn’t hold back the anger. Charlotte was this perfection of a person, and this idiot clearly did not appreciate what he had if he felt the need to sleep with some weirdo who wouldn’t even look him in the eye.

He caught at the change of her tone immediately and grabbed her by the wrist as she walked past him to change back into her clothes.

“What is it?” He asked demandingly. “What’s with the attitude?”

Alice shrugged and moved past him, not letting him hold her hand long enough to notice how fast her heart started beating the moment he touched her.

His presence did something to her. It wasn’t the same as with Lucas, who she thought about throughout the day and saw in her dreams at night. She didn’t think about Kassam until he was in the same physical space – but when he was, it felt like she was spellbound. This sudden anger was the only thing that seemed to free her from it, at least, for this long.

She changed back into her clothes and hastily pulled on Bobby’s jacket that still smelled like him. In this new world, he was her anchor, and Alice had to fight back a sudden urge to text him. It’s been less than two hours since she saw him, but she was already missing his soft laughter and the way he made her feel at ease.

With a frown, she walked out of the dressing room and stopped before the counter. Kassam was standing there, his hip leaning casually against the desk as he watched Alice. She paid and grabbed the bag.

“Thank you,” She smiled at Lidia politely, and the girl’s mouth twitched in an attempt to return the gesture.

Alice shrugged to herself and turned on her heel to leave. Kassam caught up to her in the doorway and grabbed her arm to make her stop.

“Where do you think you’re going?” He asked cajolingly.

“Why? You want me to color my hair or something?” Alice snapped at him, confused by the mix of emotions rushing through her body.

He chuckled softly, and she saw the moment he turned back into the mysterious guy she’d met two weeks ago at Wonderland.

“No,” He said softly, stroking his thumb over her cheekbone. “Dark-haired girls are my thing.”

She rolled her eyes feeling her cheeks heat up.

“Such a relief,” Alice bit down on her lip, suddenly not willing to bicker anymore. “Aren’t you supposed to be having a meeting?”

Kassam tilted his head to his side, studying her with the same look as a biologist study a rare species. Finally, he nodded and let go of her arm.

“Regrettably, yes. Let’s go, I’ll give you a lift.”

She wanted to demur but cut herself short: he was a better option than some random taxi driver.

“Thank you.”

He quirked an eyebrow and chuckled softly.

“You’re very welcome, Alice.”

Hearing him say her own name sent little shivers down the girl’s spine, and she wrapped the jacket tighter around herself. When they got into his car, still parked across the street from the library, Alice dropped her bag on the floor and turned slightly to him.

“What were you doing at the library first thing in the morning?”

He studied her for a second, somehow amused.

“I just… dropped by to return a book,” He smirked wickedly, starting the engine. “I’ve got the same question for you.”

Alice frowned.

“You know why. I needed to use a computer.”

“You could’ve used Lottie’s laptop,” Kassam said surely. “You want to know what I think you were doing at the library first thing in the morning?”

She swallowed hard through a sudden lump in her throat and shrugged, looking down at her knees.

“I think, you got bored of your quiet home life and wanted to do a bit of exploration. Not too much just yet, but enough to get you through another horror movie night.”

Her eyes fluttered to his face. He was right, and she knew it. She agreed to Lucas’ offer even though Bobby would’ve been glad to give her a lift – because she wanted to see what it feels like, to be in the same car with someone she saw naked. Someone, whose shirt she was wearing. Someone, who guided her through one of the most terrifying panic attacks in her life and then took advantage of her fragile state.

And she went to the library with this thought at the back of her mind that maybe – just maybe – she’ll meet someone there. She didn’t know who she wanted to meet, so maybe, that’s why she met this dark mystery of a man?

“So,” She had to clear her throat before continuing. “Not a horror fan yourself then?”

Kassam sniggered.

“Oh, my dear Alice,” He looked at her with his icy-blue eyes. “My horrors are quite different from those in movies,” His hand slipped off the steering wheel and came to rest on her knee for a moment. “You’ll see it soon enough.”


	11. I think I could, if only I knew how to begin.

__

_  
Newcastle,_

_October 31, 2007_

Alice walked into the house and leaned her back against the closed door, waiting until her heart stops pounding.

“Bobby!” Lottie’s voice sounded somewhere near. “Is that you?”

Charlotte walked out of the living room, carrying a paperback in her hands, her long pink hair picked into a high ponytail.

“Oh, hey,” She smiled at Alice. “I thought it’s Bobby, he promised to come home after his rehearsal and help me with this,” She nodded at the bag.

Alice felt her cheeks blush at the thought that she was just hanging out with Kassam, and Lottie didn’t know about that. It wasn’t like she’d done something wrong, but she still had that unsettling feeling of guilt.

“What’s this?”

“I was going to recolor my hair, but the stupid bitch got her wires crossed, and instead of pink dye she gave me blue.”

Lottie scowled.

“You’d look cute with blue hair,” She said suddenly.

“Would I?”

“Yeah, absolutely!” The pink-haired girl almost jumped with excitement. “Oh, please, let me color your hair! I’ve got everything needed, I promise, it’ll turn out great!”

For a second, Alice’s head filled with Kassam’s voice, telling her he likes dark-haired girls, and then her mind threw a picture of Lidia at her – cheeks flushed and eyes down. She didn’t have any time to think about that strange encounter, and part of her wanted to forget about it and never remember the way the DJ’s eyes glimmered in the dim light as he walked out of the backroom.

She shook her head, trying to bring herself back into reality.

“Yeah, let’s do it.”

Lottie squealed and grabbed her hand, dragging the younger girl into the bathroom. Alice couldn’t help but smile as she watched Lottie preparing the mix and then covering her thoroughly with an old hair color-stained towel.

“Take off your shirt, I’m good but it’s white and white clothes is never a good idea when hair dye is involved.”

Alice’s heart skipped a bit: she couldn’t let Lottie see her arms, but the goth girl was right. Unless she wanted to ruin Lucas’ shirt. She frowned and then took the shirt off under the towel, making sure Charlotte was still busy with the mixes. She crossed her arms over her chest and let out a sigh: she couldn’t imagine having friends would have any downsides, but this was it.

Not for a moment, could she just relax and do everyday things without this fear of them seeing her ugly body.

“Mm, Charlotte?”

“Yes, Alice?” Lottie started brushing her hair, and Alice sighed, closing her eyes.

“I saw Kassam today.”

“Really?” Goth’s voice hadn’t changed a bit, but she stopped for a second. “Where?”

“At the library. I was there to use a computer.”

“You could’ve used my laptop,” Lottie separated Alice’s hair in four sections and started working a coloring brush through the bottom left part.

“I know, I guess… I just needed to be by myself for a little,” She stuttered for a second before continuing. “Anyway, he was there, too, and he saw that I was working on my resume. He offered me to work at Wonderland.”

Lottie bent over to look into the younger girl’s eyes.

“Did you say yes?”

Alice chewed on her bottom lip for a moment, gathering her thoughts. Lottie was the only person who knew that she ran away, she and Bobby. But Bobby didn’t know the entire truth, he didn’t know that her parents were actively searching for her. She was grateful to God that no one in this house watched the TV unless it was a movie night.

She knew that everyone was bound to see a missing report or something, but she was hoping that she had some time before it happened.

“Lottie, I didn’t want to, trust me. But… I was working on my resume, and I realized that I couldn’t use any of my experience because I would need to put on my real name. And if someone calls one of my previous supervisors…”

“Your parents will find out,” The older girl sighed.

“He didn’t need my resume or previous experience…”

“I get it,” Lottie bit down on her lip. “Just… be careful, okay? He’s not… he doesn’t do anything just out of the generosity of his non-existent soul. Now, you owe him, and he’ll make sure to collect the debt.”

“Is that… he let Bobby’s band play at the club tonight…”

Alice bit her tongue, blushing furiously. She remembered Bobby’s words, Lottie asked Kassam for him, and now this girl was trying to warn her, too.

“What’s his deal?” She asked, watching Lottie as she moved to the other side and started bleaching the second half of her hair.

“You know that he was married to Hope, right?”

Alice nodded: she couldn’t imagine those two together even in a nightmare. Hope’s crazy possessiveness and blindness must’ve driven him mad, considering that he flirted – or whatever that he was doing – all the time. Hope seemed like someone who wanted to see her man flat on his back, with the heel of her expensive shoes pressed to his neck, and Kassam looked nothing like that.

“Well, apparently, before shit between them hit the fan, he wasn’t all like that. Bobby met him last summer, and we started hanging out there. Bobby… helped him out with something, so Kas lets his band practice at the Wonderland.”

“And you and him…” Alice’s cheeks went bright red.

Lottie chuckled and started cleaning up the mess.

“We started sleeping together a few months back, I don’t even know how it started,” She shrugged. “I broke up with this guy, I guess, I was lonely… and horny,” She smirked. “And assholes like him are usually good in bed.”

Charlotte sat down on the closed toilet seat and gave Alice a long, studying look.

“Please, don’t take it the wrong way. I’m not jealous or anything, I’m just… well, I don’t want you to end up like the others.”

“The others?”

“Other girls he’s been playing with.”

Before Lottie could continue, the bathroom door flew open, and Priya budged in. She was wearing a short silver dress with thigh-split and such deep V-line, Alice could see her belly button.

“Is this a bathroom or a fucking hair salon?” The older girl scoffed. “I’m late for my meeting, and I can’t find my curling wand.”

“Use my,” Lottie nodded at the counter. “Where’re you going?”

“My old friend is in town,” Priya plugged the wand and looked herself critically in the mirror. “She and her boyfriend just got back from New York, and she texted she needed to escape him for a couple of days.”

“Bobby’s playing tonight,” Lottie noted.

“I remember,” Priya rolled her eyes, carefully unwrapping a curl. “We’ll stop by.”

Alice listened to the conversation, trying to figure this woman out. Priya looked like every other girl she knew back in London, just older. Just as mean and shallow, her only care in the world was to find a man and spend the rest of her life doing her nails and drinking martinis first thing in the morning.

For a second, Alice wondered what Priya’s old friend was like. Was she just like her, or was she something completely different? Was she running from her boyfriend just out of boredom – or was it just the only way for her not to go insane?

_Dublin,_

_April 2, 2007_

It’s been a week since Adelais’ parents left her at the clinic. A week of her waking up before eight in the morning, taking the usual set of pills, trying to eat at least something at breakfast, and then spending four hours in therapy, talking about her feelings over, and over, and over again. By the start of the second week, she felt like her mouth was constantly numb and dry, and she used up all the words she knew.

She couldn’t talk anymore, she couldn’t tell those people anything new, but they kept pushing her for more, and she felt like she was going insane. They wanted to know how she was feeling, but she felt nothing, only regret. She should’ve died, and she regretted every moment of her life.

Adelais grabbed her cardigan and walked out of the room to have a stroll in the park before lunch, just to avoid being dragged into painting therapy. She slowly walked downstairs, ignoring the old piano sitting in the common hall on the first floor, and looked around.

The small park was almost empty, and she let out a sigh of relief as she moved towards the bench near the fountain, her usual spot. From here, she could see the front entrance and most of the park, so she knew when one of the nurses or doctors were watching her and could pretend to be having a peaceful moment of ‘self-evaluation’.

“Hey,” Someone flopped on the bench next to her. “God, this place sucks.”

Adelais slowly turned her head to look at her unexpected – and unwanted – company. It was a skinny ginger girl just about her age, with large blue eyes and fragile wrists. She was fidgety and she constantly rubbed her arms with her hands, even though she was wearing multiple layers of clothes.

“I’m Hannah,” The ginger girl introduced herself.

“Adelais,” She leaned back against the bench. “You okay?”

Hannah nodded hastily.

“Yeah, sorry, I’m always like this when I eat, and they forbid me from doing exercises, and now I feel like I’ve got too much energy, and I just need to do something, would you walk around with me, please?”

Adelais’ head started hurting as the other girl rambled, and she rubbed her temples tiredly. She had no energy at all, she wanted to be left alone, so she could just sit and stare around. But this girl looked like she might explode, and Doctor Armas was already throwing glances at them as she walked out of the building to smoke.

“Okay,” She slowly got up, and Hannah jumped to her feet immediately.

“Oh, thank you!” The ginger girl hugged her hastily. “Oh, I never asked, why are you here? They said I’m not eating enough and I’m sick, but that’s not true, I eat all the time, and they feed me here constantly, I’m gonna be so fat when I’m out!”

The dark-haired girl stared at her in disbelief – even under her layers of sweaters, she was extremely thin.

“I want to be a model, I can’t be fat, you know?” Hannah grabbed Adelais’ hand and looked her in the eyes.

“Mhm,” She forced herself to nod. “Yeah, I get it.”

Ginger’s eyes lit up and she hugged her, again, before they continued their way towards the rose bushes.

“You don’t look like the rest here,” Hannah noted. “You’re so pretty, and you’re normal, why are you here?” She repeated her question and this time actually waited for a response.

The other girl looked just as broken as herself, and for the first time in her life, Adelais felt that she didn’t have to hide herself. She slowly pulled her cardigan down her arm, exposing a large scar on the crease of her arm and a few half-healed cuts.

“Bruises heal faster,” Hannah said lightly. “It’s the only thing I can do, you know, because models can’t have scars, I sometimes just hit myself against the walls in my bathroom.”

“Hit yourself?” Adelais put the cardigan back on. “Like throw yourself onto the wall?”

“Yeah, it’s just easier, you know? You can kick the wall with your hands and legs and stuff, and then you’ll only have a few bruises that will be gone soon, and no one would even know,” Hannah continued rambling, but Adelais wasn’t listening anymore.

This girl was talking about this so easily, no shame, no self-loathing, as if covering her body with bruises was just as natural as combing hair. Hannah didn’t hate herself for being a mess, she accepted herself the way she was, even if it was a sick way, and for the first time in many years, Adelais didn’t feel judged.

She looked at the ginger just in time to see her eyes rolling back into her head.

“Hey!” Adelais grabbed Hannah’s shoulders catching her before the girl fell on the ground. The other girl barely weighted anything, and Adelais managed to keep her on her feet, holding tightly around the waist.

A few moments passed before Hannah’s eyes focused again, and the girl could stand on her feet again. Ginger looked around to see if anyone noticed, but everything happened too fast and they were hidden behind the roses, so no one could see them unless they were looking from the windows on the second floor.

“You alright?” Adelais reluctantly let go of the other girl, ready to catch her again.

“I am, yes, thank you! Don’t tell anyone about this, okay? Or, they’ll make me eat again, and I…”

“Can’t get fat because you’re a model,” Adelais finished her sentence.

“Yes!” Hannah’s eyes glimmered excitedly. “Ah, I’m so glad I’ve met you! We’ll be friends, right?”

Adelais nodded: this sounded just about right, being friends with a psycho girl – being the psycho girl herself.

_Newcastle,_

_October 31, 2007_

“Alright, behold my art,” Lottie finally let Alice look at her reflection after finishing styling her new hair.

She didn’t just color her hair blue but also convinced the younger girl that she’ll look great with bangs, and now, Alice was about to find out if that was the case. She stared at the girl in the mirror, not sure of how she felt. She still looked fifteen, but something about her felt different now. Her grey eyes seemed silver, and her fair skin looked like the first snow, and her entire quise has changed.

“You look so damn hot,” Charlotte was clearly pleased with the results. “New hair calls for a new style, don’t you think?”

The younger girl nodded, still unsure if she liked the new Alice.

“I’ve bought something,” She said finally. “To wear to work.”

They both finally left the bathroom, Alice wrapping Lucas’ shirt tightly around herself, happy that Priya had left already to meet her mystery friend.

“Oh, I know that store, the owner… Oh. I see,” Lottie frowned, and Alice’s heart skipped a bit.

“I really had nothing that could work for Wonderland,” She said quietly, her face bright red. “And I wouldn’t know where to go to but something like this,” Alice showed Lottie the skirt. “And I’ve also bought this for Bobby,” She waved the body chain in her hand.

Lottie’s face softened a little.

“Yeah, that freak’s gonna love it,” She sighed and tugged on Alice’s hand. “Let’s go upstairs and find you something to wear tonight with your new hair.”

They walked past Chelsea’s open door, and the blonde girl called for them: “How did the transformation go?”

Lottie pushed Alice lightly, making her step into the model’s room. Chelsea was sitting at her vanity, applying little glitters to her face. She was already wearing her slutty fairy costume and killer heels and her eyes were glimmering with the drugs she took.

“Not bad,” She cocked her head, taking a better look at Alice. “But you can’t wear your granny sweaters and ugly plaids anymore.”

“My thought exactly,” Charlotte nodded, flopping on Chelsea’s bed.

“You can grab some of my stuff,” Chelsea shrugged at Alice and returned to her makeup, done with the conversation.

Alice stepped closer to Lottie and whispered: “Is she okay?”

“Don’t mind her, she has Asperger’s and she’s constantly high, not the best combination,” The pink-haired girl jumped off the bed. “We should take her up on her offer.”

“I don’t dress for Halloween,” Alice shook her head.

“Why?”

_Because I was never allowed to._

“I-I don’t like this Holiday.”

“Well, you can just wear some of this,” Lottie rummaged through the hangers. “And see if this is the style you’ll go for.”

She passed her a hanger with a half-clear vinyl skirt and bralette.

“I- I can’t wear these,” Alice shook her head.

“Just try it, okay?” Lottie pushed the clothes into Alice’s hands. “And this,” She pulled out a cropped jacket with long sleeves, the same iridescent vinyl.

“I’ll change in my room,” She skipped to her room and closed the door behind her, feeling her fastened heartbeat.

The light in Chelsea’s room was dim enough to hide the scars on her legs, and the long sleeves will do the trick with the cuts on her arms… She let out a desperate groan: how long before someone sees her body accidentally? And how long she was planning to hide her scars?

_What’s your plan for when you finally decide it’s time to lose your ‘last virgin of the country’ title?_

She shook herself into action and stripped out of her clothes until she was only in her underwear. She had to somehow live her life with these scars, she should just… come up with the story to explain them to people.

She looked down on her half-healed cuts from a few weeks ago, just before she ran away. Once, they’ll be gone, and if she’s lucky enough, she won’t have any new… she’ll only need to create a believable legend for the scars. And Bobby… he already knew she had those, right? She knew what she’d done to herself, and he was still there.

Alice automatically pulled on the skirt and bralette, her mind was wandering somewhere far from this little house at the end of a quiet street. If she wanted a new life, she had to stop letting her old one rule over her, and…

Two strong arms wrapped suddenly around her waist, spinning her round until she was face to face with grinning Bobby. He stared at her new hair and then dragged his gaze up and down her body and then twirled her in place, taking a better look at her outfit.

“Well?” Alice asked. “What are you thinking?”

“A’m thinking aboot how much of a pity it is, that a’m a fag,” He smirked pulling her closer. “Ye look hot.”

She laughed softly, stroking his cheek.

“I’ve got something for you,” She closed her eyes for second, gathering courage to say the next words. “I thought about what you said the other day. I-I do want to live my life, I want to do things I’ve never done before, even if I regret it after, I want to try everything.”

Bobby’s eyes sparkled in the dim light.

“Does it mean what ah think it means?”

She nodded, and Scot grabbed her by the waist and lift her up, spinning around himself. Alice coiled her arms around his neck, smiling: going to this stupid parade was just a little thing, nothing could go wrong, right?


	12. No wise fish would go anywhere without a porpoise.

_Newcastle,_

_October 31, 2007_

“Guys let’s head out already,” Lottie looked up the stairs.

“Oi, Lo, ye look hot!” Bobby slid down the handrail, landing next to his friend.

She rolled her eyes and nodded towards the stairs.

“That’s your girl.”

Bobby spun on his heel, and a huge grin spread across his face as he saw Alice, climbing down the stairs. Her new style suited her so well, and he couldn’t stop smiling, happy for her decision to crawl out of her shell, finally, even though it scared him a bit. She was so soft and fragile for their world, sometimes he wondered, how she’d managed to stay that way up until now – and he was scared that someone might take advantage of that.

“Well?” Alice stopped on the last step. “How do I look?”

She paired Chelsea’s outfit with her chunky-heel boots and high-waisted fishnet tights, _just to finish this cheap streetwalker outfit_. It was just for one night, she told herself, she always wanted to spend Halloween as someone else – now was the perfect opportunity to do so.

“Can we already go?” Chelsea pushed herself past Alice. “The parade is about to begin, and I want to walk past that asshole’s house and throw some eggs into his fucking face.”

Lottie sniggered and fixed her corset.

“The cab’s been waiting for ten minutes now.”

As they climbed inside the car, Bobby wrapped the girl’s shoulder with his arms and leaned against the back of the seat, closing his eyes. He looked a bit more quiet than usual, no one else would’ve noticed – but she did. She’d learned to read people’s moods when she learned how to pretend to seem fine, and now she could see exactly when others weren’t.

“Hey,” She rested her head on Bobby’s shoulder. “Is everything okay?”

“Aye,” Bobby smiled. “All is great.”

“That was convincing,” She frowned a bit. “You can tell me, you know that, right?”

Bobby chewed on his lip.

“Just met someone I would rather never see ever again.”

Lottie bent over, looking suddenly tense.

“Him?”

Bobby nodded stiffly, looking down on his knees.

“Can we not make a huge deal out of it?” He mumbled. “It’s been years, and he’s probably just visiting his family, ah won’t see him ever again.”

Alice caught Lottie’s gaze, and a deep line cut through the pink-haired girl’s forehead as she caught Bobby’s chin between her thumb and forefinger, making him look at her.

“Promise, you won’t do anything stupid.”

Bobby rolled his eyes.

“I said, promise to me… no, promise to her,” Lottie suddenly pointed at Alice. “Promise her that the moment you feel like doing some crazy shit, you’ll find one of us and let us talk you through it.”

Alice’s breath got caught in her chest when Bobby slowly turned to her and nodded.

“Ah promise.”

“Good,” Lottie relaxed against the seat back and pulled the phone out of her belt bag. “Shannon and Gary are already there, some of Gary’s friends are also there.”

“Didn’t know he has any,” Chelsea commented from the front seat. “Since he let this cow cut his balls and store it in her purse.”

Both Alice and the cabbie spluttered, and Alice went bright red in her cheeks. Bobby laughed sincerely and bent over to high-five Chelsea.

“Who’s Gary?” Alice looked at Lottie.

“Gary was mah mate before Shannon decided otherwise.”

“Don’t listen to them,” Charlotte rolled her eyes. “Shannon is the girl whose family owns the music store I work at. She’s an amazing business owner but she’s horrible at customer service…”

“And has no taste in music,” Bobby added.

“And once, Bobby, Gary, and Chelsea came by to pick me up after work, and Shannon was there.”

“Gary broke up wi’ Chels and started dating Shannon,” Bobby whispered loudly.

“We weren’t together,” Blonde girl huffed.

“And she’s not salty aboot that at all,” Musician winked at Alice, resting his head on her shoulder. “And then, he stopped hanging out with the rest of us, too.”

“Because Shannon decided we’re a bad influence,” Chelsea scowled. “Fat-ass bitch.”

Lottie only rolled her eyes and texted back before leaning forward to instruct the driver where to stop. They all got outside, and a gust of cold winter made Alice shiver – her outfit wasn’t weather appropriate at all.

“Aw, lass,” Bobby wrapped his arm around her, pulling the girl closer. “A’ma keep ye warm.”

They walked about two streets before they’ve heard the sounds of a crowd, and Alice’s heart picked up the tempo. It was just a Halloween parade in a small town, she shouldn’t have been so worried about it. Bobby’s hand squeezed her shoulder reassuringly, and she relaxed a little.

“Look, here they are!”

Lottie waved at someone and walked faster.

“Hey, guys!” She stopped before one of the couples. “Shannon, Gary, this is Alice.”

“Nice to meet you both,” Alice smiled at the tall, buffed blond guy and his girlfriend, a short curvy girl with untamed ginger curls.

Suddenly the crowd started moving, and the loud music filled the air.

“Where are your friends?!” Lottie yelled, trying to scream through the heavy beat.

“One of them met his old mate, the guy who owns Wonderland, and they decided to skip the parade, they’ll meet us there!”

Bobby’s arm wrapped tighter around her.

“Ye awright?”

Alice nodded as they started moving with everyone, and she finally had a chance to see the costumes and the flashy decorations. She spotted Chelsea as she bumped into one of the guys and he picked her up and sat her on his shoulders.

“Who’s that?” She pointed towards the couple.

“A’ve no idea,” Bobby shrugged. “She probably just met him.”

“Just met?”

“Relax, lassie,” Bobby laughed, pressing a kiss to the side of her head. “It’s Chels, she’s always like that. Ah swear, she got some superpower over blokes.”

“I could do with some, too,” Alice frowned to herself.

“Whit urr ye talking aboot?” Bobby rolled his eyes. “Everyone’s checking ye out whenever we’re going out.”

Alice shook her head and smiled, wrapping her arm around his waist. Bobby wasn’t wearing his costume just yet, keeping it for the show later that night, and in this crowd of freaks, he seemed the only normal person.

She smirked as her imagination painted a picture of Lucas, dressed as a vampire or maybe James Dean… or _Cheshire Cat_ , Alice sniggered to herself, thinking of his constant grin. But this small-town parade wasn’t him, she knew it, just like she knew it wasn’t her. She was here to step out of her comfort zone and to spend some time with Bobby and Lottie, nothing else.

She still felt uncomfortable being in a crowd, and she couldn’t bring herself to find any fun in this, no matter how hard she was trying.

“So, Lottie said you’re renting a room from her?” Shannon asked when Gary, Bobby, and Lottie dragged behind to get some water.

“Um, yeah, I just moved here,” Alice nodded. “I was lucky to meet Charlotte.”

“You sound very London,” Shannon noted.

“Yeah, I grew up there.”

“My mom is Irish, but she moved here when she met my dad,” The older girl said. “We still have family there, I used to spend all my summer breaks in Dublin, thus the accent. Have you ever been there?”

Alice’s heart skipped a beat.

“No, never.”

“You should visit, it’s beautiful. You’ll love the old town.”

She smiled politely, keeping the conversation flowing, but her thoughts were far away. She hated Dublin, hated the way this word sounded, hated everyone who lived there, hated it so much she had to ball her hands into fists until her nails dug painfully into her palms. She knew it was irrational and unfair, but there was nothing she could do about it.

She spent five months in hell, drugged to the point she couldn’t even read because her brain was constantly dizzy and her vision blurred – and they called it a treatment, they told her it was for her own good, they told her this will help her heal. But with each passing day, she was slowly disappearing, and if not for the beginning of school, they would’ve kept her on those pills forever.

Thankfully, her parents wouldn’t live through the embarrassment of his daughter being just as dumb as all other reach kids, so they let her off the medications, just so her brain could work properly again. And the moment it turned back on, she ran away.

Alice shook her head, casting away the memories. She came to this parade exactly because of this: old Alice was holding the new Alice back, and it was the time to make it stop.

“Hiya,” Lottie caught up to them. “Johno just called, there’s some sort of issue with the instruments, they need Bobby at the club. Bobby’s gonna go there now, and Gary’s going with him to help.”

“Is he?” Shannon furrowed her eyebrow, and Lottie’s lips twitched in a barely contained smirk.

“Yeah, they sent me to grab you girls, and that little lady,” Lottie pointed towards Chelsea. “And that guy she’s with, apparently.”

Alice watched the goth as she walked up to the couple, frowning a little: she was high. Not as high as the night they met, but it was only nine o’clock. Shannon caught her gaze and nudged her.

“She’s high, isn’t she?” She laughed. “Don’t answer that. I don’t care what she’s doing in her free time, even though I prefer more old-fashioned ways of numbing out the shit around me.”

“Which is?”

“Strong stiff drinks,” Shannon smirked. “You know, got a stereotype to maintain.”

Finally, Chelsea and her companion joined them, and the blonde gave Shannon a stink eye.

“This is Felix,” She bent down and pointed at the guy.

“I’m Alice.”

“And I’m bored,” Shannon rolled her eyes. “Let’s go find the guys.”

They made their way out of the crowd and turned to one of the streets. The parade wasn’t fun, but it wasn’t half as bad as she thought it’d be. And it was better than is she just stayed home alone, thinking about how pathetic she was.

“Oi!” Gary called for them from across the street. “Over here!”

“How are we supposed to get into one cab?” Felix wondered, lowering Chelsea on the pavement.

“It’d helped if some of us ate less coddle,” Chelsea side-eyed Shannon.

“We’ll just wait for another cab,” Lottie interrupted. “Bobby, Gary, Alice, and Shannon can take this one, and we’ll wait for another.”

Charlotte turned to Alice.

“Please, keep an eye on him, okay? It might take some time to catch another cab, and I don’t want him to be alone for too long, not after… him?”

“Him?”

“His ex,” Lottie explained. “I’ll tell you the story later, okay? Just know that Bobby’s great at hiding his feelings… but you already know that, right? You’d noticed it before I did, thank you,” She kissed the younger girl on the cheek and pushed her towards the cab. “Off you go.”

Alice took the front seat and turned to look at the others. Bobby gave her a smile, a genuine one, and she grinned back before relaxing in her seat, as the car drove them to Wonderland.

The closer they got to the place, the faster her heart was beating. It was easy not to think about him when he wasn’t around, but now she was heading into the beast’s layer, and suddenly, she was terrified.

She was afraid that he will continue flirting with her right in front of Lottie, or that he’ll say something that will hurt the pink-haired girl, or that she herself will say something wrong… She closed her eyes, thinking about that weird Lidia girl – what if she’ll be there, what if… Alice had to stop herself.

_He’s not playing tonight, maybe he’s not going to be there?_

Even she didn’t believe in that.

She knew he’d be there, wearing his stupid rabbit head, waiting for her to follow him into his own twisted Wonderland. And the worst part? She was running out of strength not to follow.


	13. How fine you look when dressed in rage.

_Newcastle,_

_October 31, 2007_

As the car pulled over, they all climbed outside, and Bobby threw his arm over Alice’s shoulders, pulling her in comfortingly. She looked up at him, and his lips curled into a mischievous grin.

“Ye look cold,” Bobby noted opening the back door for all of them.

Gary let Shannon in first and turned to Bobby.

“Don’t you worry, Bob, we’ll fix it in no time at all,” The blond man patted his friend on a shoulder, grinning at Alice. “So, you just moved here?”

She nodded, keeping a polite smile glued to her lips.

“How do you find Newcastle?”

“I’m glad that I moved here,” She finally responded with a half-truth. She wasn’t sure if she actually liked this gloomy old town with worn down roads and dusty store windows but getting to know Bobby and Charlotte was enough of a reason to be happy with her decision.

Gary nodded and they made the rest of the way in comfortable silence. As they walked through the back corridors, Alice’s heart began to beat faster, hammering in her chest like a bird caught in a cage. She felt Kassam’s presence even though she couldn’t explain it to herself. She just knew that she was getting closer to him with every step, and half of her wanted to turn back and run – but another half wanted to walk faster.

He’s been on her mind since the morning when they’ve met at the library, pushing aside everyone and everything else, he took over her thoughts. Her cheeks flushed red as she remembered his face when the man walked out of the store’s backroom, and she had to take a deep breath to calm herself – the mix of emotions she felt at that memory wasn’t something she needed to feel around strangers.

They finally crossed the long corridor and walked into the main hall.

“Oi, Bob!” Big Johno’s loud voice broke her out of her thoughts, making Alice pull on a little smile as she walked up to greet the band members.

“Hey, guys,” She smiled shyly.

Tony and Rayan gave her smiles and nods, too consumed with whatever they’ve been doing, and called out for Gary. Johno stepped forward and wrapped the girl into his big arms.

“Howfur ye'v bin daein'?” He asked, finally releasing the girl.

“Good,” She smiled almost sincerely. “Bobby’s been helping me to settle down. He even took me to Rocco’s candy store.”

Johno chuckled, throwing a glance at Bobby.

“Dinnae mind him. He’s a wee bit weirdo but he’s got a heart of gold.”

Alice nodded: she knew that. If not for this strange Scot, she wouldn’t have survived these past two weeks. She was grateful to Lottie, for everything, but it was Bobby who pushed her to live through every new day, and it was him who made her days not just bearable but darkly happy. All those times they just drove in his car, listening to the weird music he liked, talking about everything and nothing in particular.

Bobby was her fiery beacon in this darkness that lived inside of her and that surrounded her everywhere she went, and every moment of every day she was grateful to the universe she had him in her life.

“Good luck with the show tonight,” She said finally. “I’m sure you guys will do great.”

“Ta,” Johno smiled brightly at her, and Alice thought that he was probably the only person in this town whose smile was unapologetically happy and genuine.

Not Lucas’ Cheshire grin, not Kassam’s crooked smirk, not Bobby’s slightly exaggerated chortle or Lottie’s tiredly curled lips – Johno was actually beaming at her, and Alice returned the smile before wandering off to where Shannon was.

She scanned the room, and her heart skipped a beat when her eyes fell on Kassam. He slowly tilted his head to his side, curling his lips into a leer, and her face and neck heated up immediately.

Her eyes darted to Bobby involuntarily. As if feeling her stare, he looked at the girl over his shoulder and then patted Gary’s back and walked up to her.

“Ye okay?” His arm snaked around the girl’s waist.

“Um, yeah…” Her voice trembled ever so slightly. “I just… it’s stupid.”

Bobby pulled her closer in, staring into her eyes. “Y’r feeling shy, lass, it’s fine. C’mon, a’m gonna go with ye and say ‘hi’,” Bobby tugged on her hand, walking her over to the group of people lounging in a private booth.

“Hi, Bobby,” Kassam looked up at them. “Hello, Alice.”

DJ’s voice dropped just a little when he said her name, piercing her with a deep stare of icy-blue eyes.

“Lovely hair color, Alice,” He cocked his head.

Before he could continue, a tall, dark-skinned man appeared from behind Alice, startling her.

“Oh, new people.”

Bobby’s body tensed the same moment, and his fingers dug into the girl’s skin involuntarily as he clenched onto her hand. She gave him a bewildered look before looking up at the tall man who now stood just in front of her.

“Alice,” She introduced herself since no one else bothered.

“Ibrahim,” He tilted his head slightly to his side, studying her with his cold, calculating gaze. “I see, Bobby found himself a little rag doll to carry around.”

Immediately, Scot’s face turned red as he jerked forward, stepping between the man and Alice protectively. Bobby’s hands balled into fists, and his amber eyes turned feline orange as he spat out: “Dinnae dare sae muckle as tae keek at her,” His face twisted in disgust. “If ye ever blether aboot her lik' that ever again…”

In his anger, Bobby slipped into Scottish, barely able to register the stunned looks that the others were giving him. Only Kassam didn’t seem surprised or bothered – mostly, he looked like he was rather enjoying the scene that was unraveling before his eyes.

Alice didn’t know what to do, taken aback by the man’s comment. She was indeed weak and small and insignificant, but wasn’t it a bit too much to say to someone you’ve just met?

“Relax, Robert,” Ibrahim only gave him a condescending smirk. “No need to get this riled up… just yet.”

Bobby’s upper lip twitched as he took a menacing step towards the bigger man, and his entire demeanor switched in a split of a second. It wasn’t a slightly odd, cheerful, and sweet guy Alice knew: this man was ready to wrap his hands around someone’s neck and press until he feels the last breath of life escape the other man’s body.

“Ye'v heard me,” He hissed, grabbing Ibrahim’s shirt with one hand to pull him closer. “Don’t ye fucking dare talking to her like that, or ah will beat all the crap out of ye, be fucking sure of that.”

He turned to Kassam with the same feral expression, and for the first time, Alice saw a flicker of real emotion in those blue eyes, just a second of _consideration_ that Bobby might be holding danger.

“Urr ye amusit noo?” He spat out. “Wis ah able tae hulp ye wi' ye'r boredom?” Bobby’s eyes went a shade darker as he bent down just a little, making people on the couch pull back ever so slightly. “Hope ye enjoyed the shitshow, ye sick fuck.”

“What the fuck is going on here?” Lottie’s loud, angry voice cut the air as she walked up to the booth, Chelsea and Felix towing behind. “The fuck is he doing here?” Her eyes fell on Ibrahim and then darted to Kassam.

“Charlotte, looking like a cheap tramp, as always,” Ibrahim bowed mockingly.

She just flipped him off without giving the guy a second look, as her eyes were still pierced to the DJ.

“A word,” She hissed. “Now.”

Turning on her heels, Lottie whispered: “Get Bobby out of here, this asshole is his ex.”

The pink-haired girl walked away, and Kassam rolled his eyes, slowly standing up. As he moved past her, his hand brushed Alice’s cheek, and he whispered quietly, so only she could hear: “Did your hair want cutting? I wonder, what else your body wants.”

She swallowed hard before turning to Bobby.

“C’mon,” She wrapped her arm around his waist as Chelsea, Felix and Ibrahim took their places. “Let’s go get you dressed.”

She had no idea what time the show started and if it was too early for Bobby to be getting ready, but all his bandmates were already wearing their steampunk costumes. Alice walked Bobby away from the group of people and caught Johno’s worried glance. She shook her head just slightly and pushed the door to the backrooms.

The moment the door closed shut behind them, Alice pulled Bobby into a tight embrace, caressing his back. His body was tense, muscles all in knots as the girl ran her fingers up his back and across his shoulders before cupping Scot’s face with her hands.

“Look at me,” She asked softly, and Bobby finally met her gaze. There was no anger in his beautiful eyes anymore, only hurt and embarrassment.

“A’m so sorry, Al,” He whispered, nuzzling his face into her hair.

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry about,” She stroked his neck gently before tangling her fingers in his dreads. “Bobby, no one had ever stood up for me like that.”

Her voice dropped to a barely audible whisper as she continued: “You really didn’t have to but thank you, you always make me feel so special, so valuable… as if I’m actually important.”

He pulled back a little to look Alice in the eyes.

“Ye _are_ important, Al.”

Bobby leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to her cheekbone, and his hot breath burned her skin. Alice could feel his heart slowing down gradually and let a small sigh of relief escape her lips: she wasn’t that good at calming people down and hated her own powerlessness. She wished she was more like Charlotte, or even Priya, wished she could just snap at people and boss around, wish she wasn’t this damn porcelain doll unable to speak her mind.

She just wanted to protect Bobby from whatever demon that’s been torturing him but didn’t know how, and it made her heart ache for this silly Scot.

“ _You_ are important, Bobby,” She caught his face between her palms again. “I can’t find the right words to tell how much you mean to me. I’m scared of showing my feelings but… I hope you know that I am always there for you.”

She wanted to tell him how much she loved him, but the words got stuck in her throat with a lump, making her eyes well up and prickle with hot tears. She just couldn’t make her tongue move in her mouth, those words seemed too heavy to be said out loud.

His hitched breath had finally come back to normal, and Bobby sighed deeply.

“Ye must think a’m a complete eejit.”

“No,” She shook her head. “I don’t think you are. I think he didn’t deserve even a tiny part of your attention, and that’d be the worst punishment for him. I know people like him, they feed off your energy, Bobby, and you gave him plenty. He deserves nothing but disdain.”

Bobby teased his bottom lip between his teeth.

“Ah need a smoke,” He looked at his wristwatch. “Fuck. The doors open in half an hour.”

He patted his pockets and cursed again.

“Where’s your green room?” Alice asked. “I’ll find you some and bring it to you.”

“Even though you’re against me getting high?” Bobby squinted his eyes, staring blankly at her. She could see the moment the adrenaline left his body, leaving him empty and confused.

“Yes, Bobby, I’ll do anything to make you feel better.”

He told her how to find the greenroom Kassam spared for the band, and Alice left the corridor, trying to make any sense of this whole mess. She frowned, thinking about Ibrahim’s ice-cold piercing gaze targeted at Bobby even when he looked at her. She was just a convenient bargaining chip to throw under the bus, that guy really wanted to get under Bobby’s skin.

Alice walked back into the hall and scanned the room for Johno: at the moment, he was the only person she trusted besides Lottie. He and Gary were hanging at the bar, and she rushed there, not willing to leave Bobby alone for too long.

“Hey,” She felt her cheeks blush as she stopped next to them.

“Hiya,” Johno gave her a broad smile. “Whit wis that aboot?” He nodded at the booth. One of the waitresses just placed a tray full of drinks onto the table and started unloading it when Ibrahim’s hand lied on the small of her back, and he leaned forward, telling her something.

Alice scowled and turned back to Johno.

“I’ll explain later… erm, Bobby needs something to calm down.”

“Bobby needs to stop being a pothead,” Gary frowned, and Alice couldn’t help but agree mentally.

“Ah have something that might help him,” Big Johno nodded. “But ah need to speak to him first.”

“He’s in the greenroom.”

“Ah will take care of him, don’t ye worry,” The man squeezed her shoulder reassuringly, and Alice nodded slowly spotting Lottie as the pink-haired girl appeared from the backrooms.

Charlotte saw Alice at the bar and started making her way towards the younger girl.

“He’s gonna be fine, ah promise,” Johno squeezed her shoulder again and left, nodding at Lottie as she moved past him.

“You, be somewhere else,” She waved dismissively at Gary, and he left, rolling his eyes and mumbling something under his breath.

“That wasn’t nice,” Alice noted.

“He’ll deal,” Lottie beaconed the banter, a petite, dark-haired girl Alice never saw before. “A bottle of vodka, cranberry juice, ice, and two glasses. And add it to their check,” She pointed at the group in the booth.

When her order materialized before them, Lottie hopped onto the barstool at the end of the bar, and Alice followed her lead.

“How’s Bobby?”

“Johno promised to look out for him, Bobby said he needed a smoke and… I think he’s embarrassed for how he snapped.”

Lottie sniffed angrily.

“I had no idea Shannon knows that asshole,” She added some juice into their glasses. “Bobby dated him a few years back. He was in a really dark place back then, his anxiety was spiraling out of control, so he had to stay drunk and high all the time. I couldn’t help him, I… I just inherited the house, I was hardly any better.”

She took a few large swigs of drink and frowned just a little. “He met Ibrahim who was in his senior year of Uni back then and got too deep and too fast. That narcissistic asshole screwed him over, big time. He played with Bobby’s head, made him believe many things about himself. It took me years to pull him out of the abyss, and I swear if this piece of trash ever tries talking to him again…”

Charlotte’s eyes darted to the company again, and her face twitched with disgust. Alice carefully placed her hand above Lottie’s.

“You’re not alone this time,” She said softly. “I promise, I’ll do everything to protect Bobby.”

Lottie’s gaze softened a little as she nodded. “I know.”

They sat a few moments in silence, sipping on their drinks, each thinking own thoughts. Alice’s eyes wandered across the hall, spotting Rayan and Tony as they both made their way backstage, laughing. She dragged her gaze to the company in the booth: Chelsea was straddling Felix already, but no one seemed to care.

She studied Gary and Shannon for a long moment, noting that they weren’t even touching each other even though they were very close. Then, she finally let her eyes fall on Ibrahim. He looked relaxed and full of himself, listening to Shannon with a tiny bit of condescendence in his dark-brown eyes.

“Oh, great,” Lottie huffed suddenly. “Just what we needed, more assholes.”

Alice followed her gaze and spotted Hope walking across the hall straight to them with Noah in tow.

“You,” Hope pushed herself into Alice’s face, grabbing her by the jacket. “We’re gonna talk now, you little slut.”


	14. I could hardly afford to lose my head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t empathize enough: please, check the tags before reading. Every chapter. If any of the mentioned topics make you uncomfortable - don’t read. jump off now if you can’t handle.
> 
> Everyone else, let’s do this 🖤
> 
> Also, if any of you guys ever need to talk, I’m here for you, just hit me up💋

_Dublin,_

_April 17, 2007_

“How are you feeling today, Adelais?” Dr. Armas slowly reached for her notebook, keeping her eyes on the girl across the desk from her.

“Better than yesterday,” The dark-haired girl answered slowly, thinking over each word.

It’s been almost four weeks since she got there, and the drugs have finally kicked in. Whatever medication she was on, it made her thoughts slow down finally – but also, it made her brain slow, too. She had to put effort into saying things that she thought her doctors wanted to hear, her almost natural ability to pretend wasn’t working for her anymore.

Now, she had to think over each word that came out of her mouth, and it’s been exhausting. Even with all the sleep that she was getting due to sleeping pills, she was perpetually tired as if her body and brain were in a constant battle, and she was on the losing side.

“Good,” Dr. Armas nodded, making a note. “Yesterday, you’ve mentioned your father saying that he expected perfection from his child when you were five. Do you think this is why you’ve been so determined to please him with your studies and work?”

Adelais barely managed to hold back a snigger: _no, that was not the reason, Dr. I-wear-glasses-to-look-smart-and-sexy_. Ever since there wasn’t a single day her father hadn’t asked what she’d accomplished in a day worth of work. There wasn’t a time he and her mother hadn’t give her a disappointed look if she dared to spend some time just dancing around or laying in the sun, listening to the music.

There wasn’t a time when she felt like she will be loved even if she failed her exam or decided not to take yet another extracurricular. She was always so desperate to prove herself, to get noticed, to fight for these little scrambles of affection that she’d lost herself in this battle completely.

She gave the woman all the answers she wanted, and Dr. Armas let her go, asking to find Hannah. In just this long, this ginger girl became the closest friend Adelais ever had, and if she wasn’t drugged, she’d laughed at the irony – her best friend was the crazy girl she met at the mental rehab.

Slowly, she went down the stairs and turned to her wing, passing by the nurses who were trying to calm down one of the patients, and made sure not to stare at the horrifying expression on the woman’s face. She was terrified of most of the patients, even though her wing was only for people like herself, those struggling with depressions or eating disorders, ‘innocuous’ as the staff called them.

Adelais pushed the door to Hannah’s room open, hoping that the other girl was there.

“Hey,” She looked around, frowning. “Han?”

She could hear noises coming from the bathroom, and for a moment, her heart sunk in horror as she remembered herself, collapsing onto the marble floor of her bathroom because her knees went suddenly weak, and she couldn’t even make her way back to the bedroom. The girl shook herself into action and rushed towards the closed door.

“Hannah!”

The bathroom door flew open, revealing the ginger girl as she was sitting next to the toilet, her face and neck red and covered with beads of sweat. Stopping in the doorway, Adelais gave the other girl a puzzled look, evaluating the picture before her eyes.

“Are you alright?” She asked finally, letting a small sigh of relief escape her mouth.

She walked up to the sink and grabbed a towel to soak it in cold water. The ginger girl flushed the toilet and put down the seat and the lid, resting her elbow against it, too exhausted to talk. Adelais lowered herself on the floor next to her and started rubbing the other girl’s face gently with the towel, trying to cool her down a little.

“T-thanks,” Hannah said blandly, her eyes almost falling shut.

“Why were you doing this?” Adelais asked, running the towel over the ginger’s neck. “What if it wasn’t me but one of the doctors or nurses? You could’ve gotten yourself into trouble.”

Hannah nodded weakly.

“I-I know,” She bit on her chapped bottom lip. “I just… I gained almost two kilos, I keeked this morning into the nurse’s notes. I can’t let myself get fat, I can’t!”

Her voice broke into almost cry as the ginger girl grabbed Adelais’ hand, leaning into her.

“Okay, calm down, shh,” Adelais stroked the girl’s hair, mentally taking a note to start eating herself: in the past few weeks, she barely had any appetite at all, and her clothes now fitted loosely. “Listen to me. Dr. Armas wanted to see you. Can you do that?”

Hannah nodded uncertainly. “I-I guess,” Her breath was still uneven as she tried to get up.

Adelais helped her to her feet and they walked slowly out of the bathroom, and Hannah collapsed onto her bed. She looked more exhausted and sicker than when Adelais first met the girl - as if this place has been sucking the remains of her strength.

With a sigh, the dark-haired girl sat down next to the ginger. “Look. You have to go there and convince her that you’re getting better, otherwise, they won’t let you out. The more time you spend here, the more time you miss on your modeling, you understand?”

Finally, Hannah’s expressionless mask was gone, and her face twisted with concern.

“I can’t let that happen.”

“Right. So, get yourself together, go there and be what they want you to be. Can you do that?”

The ginger girl nodded, pulling Adelais into a hug with sudden energy. She jumped to her feet and looked around, searching for her water bottle.

“I’ll do whatever it takes to get out of here,” She said firmly, more to herself than to the other girl, and stomped out of the room.

Slowly, Adelais got to her feet and walked up to the window. It was facing the territory behind the building, and the girl could see the truck parking next to the back door. She watched the truck driver as he climbed out of the vehicle and buzzed the door, looking around nervously. He was very young, maybe a year or two older than herself, and clearly uneasy about being in a place like this.

She watched him as he stepped back when two large security guys exit the building and started offloading the car. Meanwhile, the truck driver let his eyes wander and looked up, spotting her in the window. For a moment, their eyes met, and he gave her an awkward smile which she never returned and just stepped back, disappearing from his sight.

She was lost for the world, just like the world was lost for her.

_Newcastle,_

_October 31, 2007_

“What the fuck do you want, Hope?” Charlotte pushed the older girl aside, protecting Alice from her. “Take your creep and fuck the hell off.”

Noah’s mouth stretched into a dreadful grin as his eyes fell on the blue-haired girl, and the little hairs on her arms bristled as the unsettling feeling nested in the pit of her stomach. She dragged her gaze to Hope and gently placed her hand on Lottie’s shoulder.

“It’s okay,” She met the other girl’s stare. “If Hope wants to talk, let her speak.”

Hope’s face twitched as she narrowed her eyes at the younger girl, eyeing her outfit with a mix of disgust and hate. “You’re not gonna be working here, you understood?”

“Oh?” Alice slid off the barstool and took a step forward. “Why wouldn’t I?”

She tilted her head to her side, giving the older girl a sympathetic look and ignoring Noah’s stare that was buried into her body, burning through her skin. That man made her insides tremble with dread and disgust, she could swear his gaze left a sticky feeling whenever he looked at her, and it made her want to shower.

“Because I won’t let a little skank work at my club,” Hope spat out violently.

“Your club?” A familiar voice coming from behind Noah’s back startled them all. “Last time I’ve checked, you owned half of it.”

Kassam positioned himself next to Alice and looked at his ex-wife expressionlessly as if he was talking to a mannequin. His body emanated cold, calculated energy despite his soft tone of voice and unfazed expression. The girl could feel the destructive power oozing from him, and it made her throat suddenly go dry and her fingers tremble.

He smirked and continued: “Call it square,” He nodded towards Noah. “If you want her to leave, he will leave, too.”

In Kassam’s presence, Noah’s entire demeanor has changed, his constant sinister grin disappeared and he almost seemed smaller in size, and Alice secretly enjoyed seeing him like that, with his tail between his legs. She dozed off for a moment, not following the conversation, as the thoughts of Bobby rushed through her head. She wanted to go check on him, even though now he was surrounded by all his bandmates.

Her heart was still aching for him, he was always there for her, whenever she needed, he took care of her the way no one ever had, and her body was filled with love and care for that ostentatious young man. There wasn’t anything romantic about this love, her feelings were so much deeper and stronger, and meaningful.

Suddenly, the hall exploded with loud music, and a crowd of people rushed through the open doors, filling the room quickly. Kassam stepped forward and leaned into Hope. “Are we clear?”

She only huffed in response and spun on her heels furiously, leaving the company without looking back. Lazily, the DJ turned to Lottie who was just standing there with her arms crossed on her chest, staring at him.

“Well, was I good enough?” He asked mockingly, clearly referencing something she said.

The girl rolled her eyes.

“You did it for yourself,” She finally came into action, and Alice noticed how not sober the other girl was. “But I swear if you ever do anything to her…”

Kassam’s hand suddenly flew up grabbing Lottie’s shoulder roughly, any hint of previous calm composure disappeared completely.

“Watch your mouth, Lo,” He hissed into her face. “You’re not the one to tell me what to do – or not, is that clear?”

He pushed her away and turned to Alice, a familiar smug smirk stretched on his lips. Without a word, she stepped forward, aiming a blow at him, and he caught her wrist just inches away from his face.

“Don’t you ever treat her like that!” Alice pushed him in the chest with her free hand. “What the hell is wrong with you?!”

Lottie’s widened eyes darted between the two of them as she hurried to push the other girl aside. “Alice, no, it’s okay, really.”

“Okay?” Alice’s eyes were blazing with anger. “He can’t treat you like…” She stuttered, unable to say the next words.

“Treat her like what, little Alice?” Kassam gave her a dark smirk. “I’m treating her just the way she likes, aren’t I, Charlotte?”

The pink-haired girl’s face went a deep shade of red as she cocked her head stubbornly, casting daggers with her eyes. He chuckled softly and ran his fingers over Alice’s cheek almost affectionately.

“Now, I and your friend have some unfinished business. Meanwhile, you,” He leaned closer to her, burning her cheek with his hot breath. “Enjoy yourself.”

He never looked at Lottie and just marched off, leaving the two girls alone. Charlotte took another sip of her drink and turned to Alice.

“Are you okay?” She asked the younger girl softly and continued after a nod. “I’ll be back soon. I’ll ask Chelsea to keep you company.”

“No, there’s no…” Lottie was already gone, and Alice let out a frustrated moan. “Need.”

She had no desire to be babysat, she already felt like a complete idiot, without some crackhead being assigned as her chaperone. For a few minutes, she watched the crowd, trying to keep her mind from wandering. Her eyes fell on the group of people in the booth, and her blood started boiling with anger again as she looked at Ibrahim.

Seeing Bobby as broken as he was just recently had almost broken her heart. He was the sweetest, the most caring and selfless person she’d ever met, and she couldn’t wrap her head around the fact that someone might’ve been cruel to him.

When the music changed again, Chelsea and Felix walked up to her, and Alice forced herself to put on a little smile.

“Hey,” Chelsea said impassively. “Felix, fetch us some drinks.”

When the guy moved towards another end of the bar, the older girl climbed onto the barstool and looked at Alice with her glossy blue eyes, as if measuring her up and down. Feeling herself under a looking glass, Alice shuffled on the spot uncomfortably: she still couldn’t crack this girl. She was so indifferent but also she seemed nice, at least, in those rare moments when she wasn’t stoned… Alice had to shake it off, she promised herself to stop overthinking everything and everyone and start taking life as it was, without trying desperately to make any sense of it.

“How long do you know Charlotte?” She asked finally, just to break the tension.

“Some time,” Chelsea tapped her long acid-yellow nails on the bar counter. “What was it like, living in London?”

This was the second time Chelsea showed her interest, and it took Alice by surprise. She gawked at the older girl for a few moments before answering. “Different. Harder. Faster. Also, louder. It’s so quiet here, I’m not used to it.”

The other girl nodded, her interest seemingly lost, and they waited for Felix to bring their drinks listening to the music and watching the people dancing. Her body tensed even more, unable to hold still, and she was ready to leave when Felix brought three large glasses and put them on the bar stand before them.

“You having fun?” He asked Alice, bringing her attention to himself.

She blinked and nodded slowly, focusing her eyes on the guy. He was short and thick-built, and his bluish hair was covered with something that made them glow in the club lights. He continued talking, and she had nothing else to do but listen, nodding politely before Chelsea pushed the drink into the younger girl’s hand.

“Bottoms up!” Felix cheered, and all three of them gulped on their drinks.

It tasted sweet, and Alice hadn’t noticed how she finished the entire glass.

“Now, let’s dance,” Chelsea jumped off the barstool, and her legs wobbled a little.

Alice followed her and Felix closer to the stage and finally, she let herself relax. The emotional rollercoaster of the last weeks left her all sore and drained out, and here, surrounded by a hundred hot bodies, she could finally let go. She could finally forget about everything and just move to the rhythm of the music, dragging her hands lazily up her sides until her fingers tangled in her hair and then moved lazily up.

Allowing the music to carry her away, she almost hypnotized herself, her body started to feel like jelly, and it felt strangely good. She was so immersed in her own reality, she barely noticed the change in music and only snapped out of the trance when she heard Bobby’s voice.

She willed herself to open her suddenly heavy eyelids and barged through the crowd to get closer to the stage. Just like his bandmates, he was wearing a steampunk costume finished with a top hat with metal details. He spotted her from the stage as she cheered loudly for the band and bowed, grinning.

“Ah want tae dedicate this song tae the sweetest lassie a've ever met,” He nodded to Johno, and the first electro guitar riffs filled the air.

Unable to hold back a smile, Alice closed her eyes again, submerging into the beat of the music and Bobby’s raspy voice singing about this broken porcelain doll he used to carry around as a child. Her body slowly turned into liquid fire, and she stopped noticing anything but how hot her skin felt to touch, and how a tight knot tightened in the pit of her stomach, spreading waves of arousal through her body.

Someone’s arms snaked around her waist, pulling her into a dance, and she followed the movement, pressing her body closer to whomever it was, her eyelids were too heavy to open them. The arms spun her around until her back was pressed against someone’s firm chest, and the hands on her waist moved down her body, grabbing her hips and pressing her ass into the man’s crotch.

A thrill of electricity ran through her body, drawing a moan out of the girl’s mouth, and she pushed herself harder against the stranger’s body. Everything inside her fluttered with excitement as another set of arms ran up her body, tracing the curve of her waist and sneaking under her jacket to brush the hot skin on her ribs.

She threw her head back, and someone’s lips pressed to her neck, leaving a path of hot, open mouth kisses, making her lips part to let a soft moan of pleasure escape her mouth as the lips found her earlobe. Her entire body was on fire, craving for more touch, more contact, more everything, and she threw her arms up, wrapping them around whoever it was behind her neck.

She felt the arms on her hips move down, stroking her thighs through the fabric of her skirt and then slipping under it to caress her naked skin, and in the haze of sudden lust, she bucked her hips back, grinding on the person behind her, moaning desperately. The lips moved up her neck and brushed across the jawline before capturing hers in a sloppy, messy kiss that made her core pulse with need.

Unconsciously, she pushed herself forward, wrapping her arms around the muscular body before her, and the man growled into her mouth, sliding his hands under her top, and his fingers brushed just under the swells of her breasts. She felt hands all over her body, touching her to the loud beat of the music, exploring her body lazily as she got carried away even more far, unable to control herself as her hands moved down the stranger’s stomach, her movements slow and shaky.

Suddenly, one pair of hands disappeared, and she let out a groan of protest, cracking her eyes open just to see Bobby’s furious face.

“Whit the fuck dae ye think ye'r daein'?” He yelled at the guy next to Alice and grabbed her hand, pulling him into her. “Let the fuck go of her!”

His arm wrapped around her waist tightly, and the heat of his body burned her, almost sending into sensory overload.

“No, Bobby, it’s fine,” She slurred out, unable to stop herself from pressing her body harder against his.

“See, the girl says it’s fine,” One of the guys smirked. “Sod off.”

Bobby’s free hand flew up grabbing one of the guys by the collar, and his amber eyes turned animal orange. “Ah will beat the crap outta ye if ah ever see you anywhere close to her, understood? And tell yer friend to stay away from her, too.”

He pushed the guy away hard and turned to Alice who was barely holding on her feet, her entire body felt like melted lava, and she barely registered anything that just happened.

“Ye stupid little lassie,” Bobby whispered, pushing her towards the exit.

“No,” She sighed. “I don’t wanna leave, please.”

She was so obviously wasted and turned on, she was almost crying when Bobby signaled Johno to continue without him and swept the girl up, taking her into his arms protectively. He was absolutely fuming and wanted to stay and beat the shit out of whoever drugged her but she was a complete mess, barely holding back desperate sobs as he carried her to his greenroom and locked the door behind himself.

Carefully, he lowered her onto the couch and looked around, searching for some water. The room was cluttered with clothes and instrument cases, but he finally spotted a half-empty bottle.

“Drink,” He ordered, lifting the girl’s head so she wouldn’t choke. “A’m gonna kill whoever did this to ye.”

His hand brushed the girl’s cheek soothingly, and she pushed herself into his touch, so much pleading in her eyes, Bobby’s breath stuttered when his gaze met her. She tried to back off but her body just leaned into his, and she closed her eyes, trying to hide sudden tears.

“Shh, lassie, don’t cry,” He whispered brokenly, wiping the tears off her face.

“I’m so sorry,” She breathed out, her face burning with embarrassment. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Little shudders were running through her body making her tremble, and she had to squeeze her thighs to release some of the tension, barely registering Bobby’s gaze traveling from her face down to her heaving chest and her trembling hands and hips and then to her clenched thighs. She was a whining mess, so on edge, he had no idea how she was still holding.

Slowly, he lowered his face to her and took a hold of her chin gently.

“Look at me,” He whispered gently, making her focus her eyes on him.

Her wild eyes stared deeply into his, and Bobby took a deep breath, hoping he’s doing the right thing. “Ah will take care of you, little lass, okay?” He slowly brushed his lips across her cheekbone. “Dae ye trust me?”

She nodded abruptly, and he finally closed the space between them with a gentle kiss. She tastes sweet of coconut and liquor, and her lips parted immediately, letting his tongue slip inside her mouth. Bobby’s hand moved carefully down her body, helping her shimmy out of her jacket. She was too high, too at the moment to think about the scars on her arms, to give any care that he could see them now in the dim light.

She whispered something but Bobby couldn’t understand what she was saying and just covered her mouth with his again while his hand unzipped her skirt and pushed it up until it was around her waist. Her legs opened involuntarily, and he felt the heat coming from between her thighs as her hips bucked up beseechingly.

“Please,” She whimpered into his mouth, and his hand pushed past the hem of her tights, sliding into her underwear.

Alice gasped when his fingers brushed her slit, and a loud moan escaped her lips when he started caressing her gently. He pulled slightly away as he watched her face while circling her clit slowly, praying he was doing it right – his experience with the girls was just one night with Lottie many years ago when they both got drunk at their classmate’s house party.

Alice’s hand pushed into his hair, pulling his face closer to hers, and he kissed her again, this time, much harder, making her moan into the kiss as his finger slid inside of her, curling upwards, turning her into even more of a whimpering mess that she was minutes ago.

He hated the person who did this to her, hated that he wasn’t there to protect her, to be there for her, hated Ibrahim for throwing him for a spin, hates this town of hypocrites and fuck-ups, hated that this girl had to go through all the pain that she was now carrying with scars on her body.

He moved his hand faster, pumping in and out of her, and soon, he felt her walls clenching and pulsing, and her head lolled back as she came, almost crying from relief. He slowed down his movements, kissing her jaw gently, as she rode out her high. Finally, she stilled, and Bobby wrapped her into his arms, cradling her like a baby, letting her head rest on his chest.

“Ye’r gonna be fine, lass, ah promise,” He whispered gently, feeling his heart swell in his chest with tenderness. “Now, sleep, ah will be here when ye’r awake.”


	15. I am not myself, you see.

_Newcastle,_

_November 2, 2007_

It’s been two humiliating and long nights and one very rough day since Halloween night. It’s been thundering outside non-stop making it impossible for Alice to leave the house which made the humiliation part even worse.

She still couldn’t believe she got so drunk she couldn’t control herself and was ready to have sex with a stranger right there, on the Wonderland dancefloor. With a low groan, Alice pushed her duvet aside and sat up on the bed feeling for her slippers in almost complete darkness: it was still before sunrise.

She walked up to the window and opened it, letting the chilly, petrichor air into her room. She grabbed an oversized cashmere cardigan from the edge of the bed and wrapped herself into it, breathing in the lingering scent of expensive perfume and her nan’s warm hugs. She brushed a sudden tear off her cheek and set her jaw: she couldn’t call her nan, even though that woman was the only person from her past life that Alice missed.

Before she ran away, she sent her a letter asking for forgiveness and promising to stay safe and be fine, even far from home… but her heart was still aching every time she thought of that stern but caring woman that her grandmother was.

Shaking her head, Alice left the room and crept downstairs trying not to make any noise. A muffled sound of Lottie’s voice made her stop in her tracks and listen in to the conversation.

“Bobby, calm down,” Charlotte said firmly, keeping her voice low. “You’ll wake up the entire house.”

“How the fuck a’m s’posed to calm down?!” Bobby half-hissed half-barked. “She’s been drugged, Lo, and no one even was there to notice.”

Lottie’s answer was drowned in a deafening thunder-blast, and Alice managed to catch only Bobby’s last words.

“… when ah find that wanker.”

 _Drugged?_ Alice frowned trying to remember the moment that might’ve happened, but her brain refused to go back to that night. She didn’t remember much but even those memories she still held were enough to make her face flush hot with humiliation. What Bobby did for her… she wasn’t sure how to feel about it. She was so grateful and so embarrassed, she couldn’t look her best friend in the eye, too ashamed and scared to see a hint of pity and disgust in those beautiful amber eyes of his.

She spent the entire day locked in her bedroom, not talking to anyone, too confused, and unsure where to go from there. How do you act after your best friend got to get you off, so you don’t end up being used by a bunch of strangers?

Alice’s face twisted in disgust: she was revulsed with herself and had no idea how to move past it, with Bobby and with herself, too.

She was barely registering the continued conversation, too caught up in her thoughts to notice anything around. Today was supposed to be her first night as a waitress in Wonderland, and she’s been dreading the moment she had to get there. This idea didn’t seem so good anymore, not after she witnessed how her new boss treated everyone, how he treated Lottie.

Unconsciously, she bit down on her lip: he wasn’t a complete asshole towards her. He’s been borderline creepy but also, he stood up for her against Hope, and he offered her a job, without hesitation. Even if it meant she owed him now, it still counted.

“Eavesdropping?”

Lucas’ voice made Alice jump and turn to the grinning man. Somehow, he managed to look put together wearing only pajama pants, his dark-brown hair ruffled but still perfect. The girl let out a little sigh and rolled her eyes.

“Don’t you have your own place or something?”

He cocked his eyebrow.

“Aren’t you happy to see me first thing in the morning?” He took a step closer to her, and Alice’s breath hitched when his fingers brushed a strand of hair out of her face. “Lottie’s a bad influence for you,” He nodded at her blue hair. “Don’t tell me you also got your tongue pierced.”

She stared at him blankly trying to figure out if he was joking. She just couldn’t puzzle him out, this man continued to be a mystery. Why was he with Priya if he was clearly not interested in anything serious with her? A guy like him could have any girl he wanted, so why spending time in a house full of strangers who he didn’t like?

Alice shook her head: Lucas’ reasonings were none of her business.

“You were going somewhere,” She huffed finally, crossing her arms over her chest in a vain attempt to protect herself from the jestful twinkle in his eyes and a cryptic grin on his lips.

Lucas tilted his head to his side studying her body language, and his grin grew even bigger as he leaned forward, leaving no space between them. “I’m well entertained right here,” He whispered lowly sending goosebumps over the girl’s arms.

“Well,” She had to clear her throat. “I’m not your personal court jester.”

With these words, she moved past him and pushed the kitchen door open, startling the people in the room.

“Ali,” Bobby breathed out. “Why urr ye up so early? How urr ye? Ye want coffee?”

He jumped off the barstool and rushed to her, and the tight knot in the girl’s stomach finally loosened up a little: he wasn’t mad with her, and there was no pity or disgust in his eyes, only care and concern.

“It’s not even seven in the morning,” Lucas rolled his eyes and walked up to the kitchen counter. “What could be wrong with her?”

Alice’s eyes widened and she shook her head looking at Lottie: whatever had happened at the club was bad enough without other people knowing about it. Bobby’s arm snaked around her waist as they both moved closer to the counter, and Charlotte poured two more cups of coffee.

“We have waffles,” The pink-haired girl sent her a worried look, and Alice pushed out a weak smile.

“Thank you.”

They all ate in silence disturbed only with the soft scraping of the cutlery and the sounds of the rain outside. Slowly, it began getting light outside the window, that gray sort of dawn that never brings any light into the room, only makes the shadows step aside.

Alice grabbed her mug and walked outside, shivering from the cold morning air, and watching the rain. The smell of fallen leaves mixed with ozone brought back the memories of her childhood, the times she was still allowed to live freely, running around in the rain and playing with the red and yellow leaves, laughing and catching the drops of water with her tongue.

Back then, she didn’t know that there will be a day when she decides to take away her own life, she couldn’t imagine that the pain in her chest will become so unbearable the only way to stop it will be dying. That laughing, cheerful child didn’t deserve to turn into this sad, lonely girl that was so good at playing her role no one would’ve even thought that she’s been hurting herself just so no one else could hurt her.

Her icy-grey eyes were now the color of melted silver, just as cold, dead and empty when Alice stared into vacancy, too far away from this old, warm house.

_Dublin,_

_April 28, 2007_

She couldn’t tell how many days or weeks had passed since the day her parents left her at the clinic. Days and nights merged into one blurry picture that had nothing to rest an eye on, nothing was happening, nothing was there to break the suffocating monotony of her time there. Waking up, she wasn’t sure if she was awake, each day was the same as the day before, and soon, she stopped counting.

Every morning, she took her pills and ate her breakfast, sitting across the table from Hannah who would just stare blankly in her plate until one of the nurses come up to her and stood there until the ginger girl ate something. After that, she had to join one of the art therapy classes and spend an hour drawing ugly vases or learning how to make pottery.

Then, lunch and a session with Dr. Armas, and then her traditional walk in the park, alone or with Hannah. She felt protective over the ginger girl who was so fragile, Adelais was sure that one of those days she would just fall apart into little ashes.

Her brain was so slow she could barely even read anymore, just getting through one page seemed like too hard work – and so, she stopped trying. The only thing left was people watching, and she spent hours staring at the clinic entrance, noticing all new and familiar faces. Sometimes, she saw Dr. Armas’ boyfriend, a tall, dark-haired Irish man who was constantly yelling at his phone, something about the new phone that will change the world.

She wasn’t allowed to use her cellphone – as if she had someone to call, her only way of communication was weekly calls from her parents who were too concerned with their friends not knowing where she was to notice the pauses in the conversation that were becoming longer and longer.

Their voices melted together turning into white noise inside of the girl’s head, a buzzing that she’d learned to tune out, sinking deeper into her little world where no one and nothing existed. It was empty there, no pain, no regrets, no life – nothing, just this comforting emptiness.

Adelais went down the stairs and pushed the heavy door open, breathing in the smell of rain and blooming peonies. She slowly walked past the bushes, leaning closer to breathe the scent deep into her lungs.

“Here,” A man’s voice made her look up, snapping the girl out of her trance. “Take this.”

He reached for the large gardening scissors, carefully cut one of the flowers, and offered it to Adelais.

“Thank you,” She stared at the gardener for a moment before reaching for the flower.

“You’re welcome,” The young man smiled at her. “I see you walking around a lot.”

She nodded slowly. “Yeah, we don’t have much else to do here.”

She brought the flower to her face and breathed in the scent before looking up at the man. “Thank you,” She thanked him again before walking away.

She wished her life was different. A handsome young man offered her a flower – it was like the beginning of a romance novel, only she was a character from a very different story and had no place in his. Her story was dark and gloomy and threaded with tragedy, no one would ever want to become a part of it.

Fiddling with the flower in her fingers, she walked to the furthest bench in the garden and lowered herself onto the only dry spot underneath the heavy tree branch. It’s been drizzling all night and all day, and she was the only one who was outside. Most of the patients in her wings preferred to spend time inside even on sunny days, avoiding being seen in their current state - but she couldn’t stay inside anymore. Those walls seemed like a prison, and she wished to escape so badly, the thought of leaving this place was the only thing that kept her mind from shutting down completely.

At night, she dreamed of all those places she’d visited if she ever got out of there. She dreamed of driving a car down an empty road surrounded by gigantic pine trees. Sitting on a porch sipping coffee and looking at the endless field in front of her. Dancing until her legs gave out. Playing piano in a cozy leaving room full of smiling and laughing people who wouldn’t care if she messed up a diminished fifth. Lying across the bed in a sun-lit room, listening to the music she’s never heard before.

And when she woke up, she was back in her nightmare.

A sudden commotion brought her attention back, and the girl got up to see what was going on.

“Let me go!” Hannah’s voice echoed through the little park, and Adelais shook herself into action, almost tripping over her feet as she tried running.

“What’s going on?” She asked, panting, catching the nurse man by his elbow.

He threw her hand off, barely looking at the girl.

“Move along,” He spat through his clenched teeth, keeping a grip of Hannah’s arms.

The ginger girl whined in pain, her fragile frame seemed even smaller next to the man who was holding her too tightly.

“Adi, please, they want to put a feeding tube into me,” Hannah’s face was twisted in horror, and the dark-haired girl felt burning tears prickle her eyes.

“Where’s Dr. Armas?” Adelais asked, hoping that her voice didn’t quiver. “You can’t do it without her permission.”

“That was Dr. Armas’ decision,” The man responded. “Your little friend managed to lose three more pounds, if she doesn’t eat, she’ll die.”

Those words hung heavily between them, and Adelais let the nurse man escort Hannah back inside the building following them behind. She didn’t know much about the ginger girl’s condition, only that she was terrified of gaining weight and that she was way too skinny for her height – but she couldn’t imagine that it could be potentially lethal. She followed them to Hannah’s room where two nurses and Dr. Armas were.

“Dr. Armas,” The dark-haired girl began but the blonde woman stopped her.

“Not now, Adelais.”

“But Hannah…”

“Hannah needs treatment. I know you’ve become friends so I will ask you to help keep an eye on her when the tube is set up. But for now, please, go to your room. I will find you shortly.”

Adelais caught Hannah’s pleading stare and stepped closer to the ginger.

“It’s gonna be okay, Han,” She whispered before running her fingers over the girl's cheek. “It’ll be okay, I promise.”

She left the room and walked down the corridor looking under her feet until she reached her door. In the bathroom, she filled one of the glasses with water and put the flower in it when her eyes caught her reflection in the mirror.

She was wrong: they were _all_ mad there.


	16. When the clock strikes heavy.

_Newcastle,_

_November 2, 2007_

For the last time, Alice looked herself in the mirror up and down and turned to Bobby.

“I look ridiculous.”

She’d spent the last thirty minutes staring at her outfit, trying to convince herself that she did not look like a cheap streetwalker and failing miserably. Her pastel-blue curls bounced as she stepped closer to the bed and crossed her arms over her chest.

“Ye look hot,” Bobby waved his hand for her to do a twirl, yet again.

“I look like a porn version of a schoolgirl,” She frowned and spun around herself. “I’d checked my own ID.”

Tonight was her first night as a waitress at Wonderland, and her anxiety levels were somewhere over the rainbow when she bent over and grabbed Bobby’s hand to look at his watch: half-past eight. She was supposed to be at the club no later than in thirty minutes so the bartender had time to give her a short training. With each passing minute, Alice became less and less sure that working at that place was a good – or, at least, not a horrible, idea.

She let a sigh escape her lips and turned to the mirror to put on another layer of mascara.

“It’s gonna be okay, lassie,” Bobby pulled himself off the bed and stood behind the girl. “Ye’ll dae great, ah just know.”

He looped his arm gently around her waist and rested his chin on the girl’s shoulder, and they both froze for a moment, finding comfort in each other’s closeness. They never spoke about what had happened on Halloween night, and Alice was grateful to Bobby for that. She felt enough of humiliation, she just knew, she wouldn’t survive that conversation.

She could barely remember anything from that night, just random flashes of memories, and that strange feeling of her body turning into liquid fire… And Bobby’s lips on her mouth and his fingers moving inside of her…

Her face flushed red with embarrassment, and Alice hurried to turn to the drawer to put back the mascara, hiding the feverish blush on her cheeks.

“I guess it’s now or never,” She mumbled as her fingers searched for her cellphone. “If I don’t leave now, I’ll just chicken out.”

“Ye dinnae have to go there, ye know that,” Bobby caught her elbow and made the girl turn around to look at him. “Ye can find something else.”

Alice smiled gratefully at him but shook her head: Wonderland was her only option unless she wanted to break her incognito. She just needed to get herself together and do it and stop worrying about every little thing that might go wrong.

“Let’s go, then,” Bobby nudged her gently towards the door, and Alice smiled, letting him walk her to the car.

Unusually, the house was empty: Lottie got stuck at the music shop, Priya and Lucas went to some kind of spa retreat - and Chelsea was probably at her new guy’s place. Alice followed Bobby outside, and he held the car door open for her, making the girl smile.

“Whit?” He asked as he started the engine.

She just shook her head slightly and squeezed his knee before relaxing against the car seat.

The drive didn’t take long, and soon, Bobby pulled over across the street from Wonderland.

“Ye okay?”

His amber eyes looked deeply into her icy-grey, and Alice nodded almost sincerely: she made this decision, and she was going to go through with it, no matter what. Part of her was terrified but there was another part that wanted to experience whatever life had to offer.

“Yeah, I think I am,” She said before climbing out of the car.

“A'm going wi' ye,” Bobby shut the car door and fell into step with the girl.

Alice stopped before the backdoor and turned to her friend. “No.”

“Aye,” Bobby rolled his eyes.

“I don’t need you babysitting me.”

“Ah won’t,” He grabbed the girl’s shoulders. “But a’m not letting ye spend yer first night at the new job alone.”

Her eyes softened, and Alice’s body relaxed under Bobby’s comforting touch, and she let herself spend a few seconds just standing there, enjoying the warmth emanating from his firm body. Alice took her hands into hers and entwined their fingers.

“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Bobby,” She said quietly, grazing her bottom lip between her teeth.

He pulled her into a hug, and the scent of his cologne mixed with leather and weed enfolded her. Just a month ago she couldn’t even think that she’ll be friends with this punk boy who smoked pot and cursed and had more tattoos and piercings than her mother pearl necklaces. Alice moved away a little to take a look at the young man before her.

She stroked his face gently and then leaned in to press a soft kiss to his cheek before letting go of him.

“Ye’r the sweetest thing, little lass,” Bobby grinned from ear to ear. “C’mon, let’s not make yer boss wait.”

Her heart started beating faster and faster with each step as they walked through the back corridors, and Alice took a deep breath trying to calm herself. They finally reached the door into the main hall, and Bobby put his hand on the handle.

“Ye ready?” He looked at the girl, and she nodded slowly.

Bobby pushed the door open, and they stepped into the hall, now almost empty.

“A’m gonna find Kas,” He whispered to Alice when the bartender beckoned her over. “Good luck, lassie.”

When he disappeared in the back rooms again, she walked up to the bar and smiled at the man behind the counter.

“Hey.”

“Hello, little Alice,” The man gave her a half-smile. “You’ll be working here now, eh?”

“Looks like it,” The girl nodded, throwing her phone onto the bar counter. “So, let’s start with the training?”

About an hour later, Alice managed to finally take an order correctly and somewhat decently carry a tray full of glasses, and the bartender, Hugh, gave her an approving up-nod.

“I reckon you’re ready for your first shift,” He said slowly. “Usually, these booths are empty during the weekdays unless one of our bosses invites friends,” Hugh frowned. “Or, unless Noah decides to curse everyone in the club with his presence.”

The girl’s face twisted in disgust, and the bartender chuckled. “Feel free to tell him to fuck off if he ever makes a move on you again.”

She wished it was that easy and could only hope that he won’t be around tonight: dealing with this on top of everything else would’ve been too much for her first day. She met other staff members, a bouncer, two security guys, and the other waitress, and she and Hugh returned to the bar to celebrate her new job. Suddenly, the hall filled with loud music, and Hugh threw a glance towards the entrance.

“Showtime,” He leaned closer to Alice. “Don’t fret, you’ll do fine. You’re such a doll, they wouldn’t care even if you messed up their order.”

Alice rolled her eyes shifting on the barstool. “Where’s our boss anyway? Bobby went to find him almost an hour ago.”

As if on cue, her best friend strolled out of the backspace and made a beeline for Alice, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

“How’s it goin’?” He grabbed her glass and finished it in one gulp. “Ah just spoke to Kas, he said he’ll come to check on ye later tonight.”

Bobby’s voice changed just a little, but he shook it off almost immediately and slid onto the barstool next to Alice watching the first few people as they entered the club.

“Excuse me,” Hugh slipped off his seat and shoved the drink menu into Bobby’s hands. “Ask her about tonight’s special.”

When the bartender got busy with the clients, Bobby moved closer to Alice and whispered: “Ah spoke to him aboot what happened the other night. He needs to make sure whoever drugged yer drink won’t dae it to anyone else.”

Alice’s face went dark red as her brain processed Bobby’s words: now, Kassam knew about what happened. He knew that she was stupid enough not to notice how her drink got spoiled, he knew about how she acted… She cleared her throat: “Um, yeah, I-I understand.”

She knew Bobby did the right thing, but a small part of her wished he never did.

“Turns out, he already knew that something had happened but didn’t know it was ye. Someone told him aboot the girl on the dancefloor who…” Bobby frowned stopping himself. “Sorry, lass. Ah can’t imagine how ye feel now.”

_Humiliated. Embarrassed. Stupid beyond any limits._

“Kas got furious when ah told him that girl was ye,” Bobby added. “He wanted to talk to ye right away but got a phone call and had to stay at the office.”

Before they could’ve carried on, Hugh called for Alice, and she squeezed Bobby’s hand before leaving him at the end of the bar. With her peripheral, she saw a tall, dark-haired guy walking towards him with two drinks in hands and smiled to herself: it was about time Bobby met someone.

When Lottie told her in detail what happened between him and Ibrahim, Alice’s heart broke for this sweet, caring young man. He didn’t deserve to be treated like a doormat, didn’t deserve feeling useless and worthless, didn’t deserve spending nights outside that asshole’s house, begging for him to talk… Her chest ached whenever she thought of Bobby being sad, and if she was ever to meet that Ibrahim guy again, she wouldn’t hold back.

Alice’s glance dragged from Bobby and the guy he’s been dancing with to the corner: someone just took one of the booths, and it was up to her to service them. She grabbed a pen and paper and turned to Hugh.

“You can do it,” He yelled through the loud music, and the girl made her way to the booth.

“Chels?” She let out a sigh of relief as she recognized her housemate and her new boyfriend, in the company of two other guys.

“Hey,” The blonde girl waved her hand lazily, resting her legs on Felix’s thighs. “You work here now?”

Alice nodded and moved closer to the couch. “What would you like to order?”

“Shots,” Chelsea glanced at her companions.

“Two bottles of tequila and four – five - shot glasses,” One of the guys smirked, openly checking her out. “Don’t make us wait, dolly.”

Alice was just about to snap at him when she spotted Kassam and had to put on a polite smile. “Sure, two bottles of tequila on their way.”

She knew: the Dj couldn’t hear her from where he was standing, but somehow, it felt like he knew everything that was going on through her mind at that moment, and it sent shivers down her spine. His piercing blue eyes burned into hers as she walked towards him, trying not to trip over her own feet.

She stopped before the man, cocking her head to seem less nervous than she was.

“Hey,” She hoped he couldn’t see the blush spreading over her cheeks.

“Hello, Alice,” He took a step towards her, and his closeness made her skin prickle with goosebumps. His eyes seemed to possess this power to penetrate through her skin and look deep into her soul, and it was both unsettling and darkly thrilling, like sitting at the edge of a rooftop.

In his presence, everything inside of her went amenable, as if she was unable to defy this man and his words that usually sounded like orders. Even now, he was just looking at her, and she was ready to do anything he asked, and it was driving her insane, the way it made her feel, irritated and almost… _excited_.

She broke their eye contact trying to recompose herself, and the man let a dark chuckle escape his lips. His hand slowly moved up until it reached her face, and his thumb brushed across her cheekbone almost gently.

“Enjoying your first day of work?”

Alice nodded stiffly. “I should get going,” She said too quietly for him to hear, but it seemed like the Dj could read her lips.

“I dare not hold you back,” He cocked his eyebrow slightly and moved towards the booth without looking back.

She had to shake herself into action, starstruck by this encounter. Every time the DJ was around, she felt this powerlessness that she couldn’t explain… _Except for the times he’s been a total asshole towards Charlotte,_ Alice reminded herself. It seemed like her anger was the only antidote to his poison, only in those moments she was able to resist his wicked charm.

“Well?” Hugh gave Alice a look.

“Lucky day: just two bottles of tequila,” She passed him their order.

“You know how to salt the glasses?”

She nodded and got to work, grateful for a slow night. She loaded one of the trays and looked at the bartender waiting for his approval of her handiwork.

“Not bad,” the man smirked. “Here, cut the limes and you’re good to go.”

She threw a glance across the dancefloor. “Isn’t he playing tonight?”

Hugh put two glasses of some kind of blue cocktail onto the before two girls and leaned over the counter.

“He only does it when in a _mood.”_

“A _mood_?”

The bartender shook his head and gave her a worried look: “I told you before and I’m telling you now, stay as far away from him as you can, for your own… sake.”

His eyes darted somewhere behind the girl’s back, and Alice turned around. Kassam and Felix were standing in front of each other, and it seemed like Kas was holding the shorter guy by the collar of his shirt while Bobby was standing right next to them, ready to intervene.

Without thinking, Alice almost ran up to them, stopping next to Bobby.

“What’s going on here?” She was short of breath and her feet hurt badly from uncomfortable shoes.

“Did you drug her?” Kassam’s voice was deceitfully calm, but his eyes were throwing daggers.

“I told him to,” Chelsea got to her feet, slowly, almost lazily. “She was so boring, I wanted her to loosen up a tad.”

It took Alice a few moments to realize they’ve been talking about her – unlike Bobby, who already grabbed Chelsea’s shoulders roughly.

“Ye did whit?” His face was twisted with anger. “The fuck ye were thinking?!”

His fingers dug deep into the girl’s skin, threatening to leave marks, and Alice stepped forward, wrapping her fingers around Bobby’s wrist to make him let go of the blonde.

“Bobby, please. Calm down. Both of you,” She looked at Kassam. “People are watching.”

His eyes slowly traveled to meet hers. “I don’t care, it’s my fucking club, and I do as I’m pleased, is that clear?”

This wasn’t the usual tone of voice he used while speaking to her, and it took the girl aback, the way her body shrunk immediately. She had to will her head stay high as she stared back at him, her hand still holding Bobby’s.

“Ali, it was him who drugged ye the other night,” Bobby unwillingly let go of Chelsea who seemed unfazed by everything that was going on. “And ye told him to? How could ye?”

Chelsea rolled her eyes. “Little virgin is too uptight. I wanted her to have fun, once in her sad, boring life.”

“Fun?” Kassam’s eyes narrowed at the blonde, and for the first time, Alice saw a flicker of emotion in those blue Bambi eyes of hers. “Interesting…”

Finally, he let go of Felix’s shirt. “Better make yourself scarce,” his voice was full of unhidden threat. “I will never see you or your friends at my club, and if I do…”

The DJ never finished the sentence, but it wasn’t necessary, the cold rage emanating from his body was enough to make all three men stagger back. He turned to Chelsea, and his eyes sparkled menacingly.

“As for you…” he took a small, threatening step towards the girl. “I’ll remember what kind of fun you prefer.”

He nodded at the three men waiting for her: “Out.”

Alice watched the company as they left, unsure how to feel about what just happened. Kassam was so protective over here, even though he barely knew her… He just lost four clients over her, willingly, and she didn’t know what to make of it. Most of the time, he seemed so cold and distant, even when he physically invaded her personal space, he never was truly there – and that made everything even more complicated.

Bobby looped his arm gently around the girl’s waist.“Ye okay? Do ye wanna go home?”

Alice shook her head, and her eyes fell on Kassam who was now staring at her intently, waiting for her response. She was still shaken and couldn’t believe it was Chelsea who was responsible for her humiliation, and she felt embarrassed that Kassam knew everything about what had happened that night but…

“No,” She said slowly, at the icy-blue eyes shimmered with sinister satisfaction. “I’m staying.”


	17. When you’ve understood this scripture, throw it away.

_Newcastle,_

_November 3, 2007_

“You did good tonight,” Hugh patted Alice on a shoulder and passed her share of tips.

Her entire body was ready to give out when she finally lowered herself onto the barstool and rested her face in her hands. It was almost three in the night when the security closed the doors behind the last customers, and she was able to finally kick off her shoes.

“I never noticed this place was open so late,” she admitted looking up at the man. “Time goes by different when you’re not running back and forth all night long.”

The bartender chuckled and poured her a shot of whiskey. “Drink this, go home and get some rest.”

She bent over the bar stand and grabbed her cellphone, frowning.

“Do you know a round the clock car service?” she flipped her phone open and then closed it again, tapping her fingers lightly on the bar. “No way I can catch a cab at this time.”

“There will be no need for that,” Kassam’s voice coming from behind her back almost made the girl jump. “Hugh, you can go. I’ll see you on Friday.”

The DJ handed the older man an envelope, and the bartender shot Alice a farewell glance before grabbing his coat and disappearing in the backrooms. She watched his back until he was gone before turning to Kassam.

He was leaning onto the bar stand next to her, his icy-blue eyes looking at her with a mix of curiosity and challenge, as if she was this rear specimen waiting to be prepared and studied and subdued. She met his stare for a second before sliding off her seat to put her shoes back on, and he waited for the girl in silence.

His quietness wasn’t something she was used to, and she couldn’t tell whether she liked this change or preferred if he was silver-tongued as usual. Being around quiet people wasn’t her strongest suit because she found the silence too awkward and needed it to be filled with something, be it even pointless blather. And if the other person wasn’t talking, she had to do it herself, and she just hated speaking.

She finally got ready, and Kassam pointed towards the back exit.

“Shall we?”

She nodded, and they followed through the back corridors until they were outside the back exit.

“Whoever stays the last closes this door,” the DJ explained, turning key in the lock of a heavy metal door. “Usually, it’s me or Hugh, but tomorrow – tonight - it’ll be the other bartender, Blake since neither Hope nor I won’t be here.”

He unlocked his car, and they climbed inside. Cold November air was slithering through Alice’s clothes, sending shivers all over her body, and she had to wrap her arms around herself in an attempt to warm up. She noticed Kassam looking at her and slowly removed her hands off her shoulder, resting them on her thighs.

“You don’t like the cold?” he asked, starting the engine finally.

“Does anyone?” her breath stuttered a little making her voice tremble.

“You’d be surprised,” he chuckled darkly and turned on the heat. “But interesting to know, indeed.”

His sportscar moved fast through empty streets, and Alice pressed the side of her head to the window, staring into the darkness only lit with rare streetlights and the car’s dim headlights. Kassam’s car smelt of leather and incense, and his woody cologne, a dark, intoxicating blend that made her lightheaded and dizzy mixed with tiresome from the long night.

Even with the heat on, she was still freezing and regretted not wearing a jacket. Alice glanced at the man: his face was relaxed and calm, a bright difference with how he was just a few hours before when he almost hit Chelsea’s boyfriend.

She couldn’t stop thinking about it throughout the night, and her body was filling with anger slowly the more time she spent trying to figure out why the blonde felt the need to do this to her. Chelsea said she wanted her to have fun, but Alice couldn’t find one thing that was fun about being so on edge she couldn’t even control her own body – or what was fun about her best friend being forced to get her off so she didn’t end up under some creep.

Her cheeks flushed red with embarrassment, and she hurried to turn her face away from Kassam before he could’ve noticed. It was enough he knew about what happened and had to kick someone out of the club, standing up for her. She still couldn’t believe he cared enough to do that, and he didn’t seem like someone who’d just do something like that out of the kindness of his nature.

“What is that you’re thinking about?” Kassam’s voice snapped the girl out of her thoughts, and she turned her head to look at him.

“Nothing,” she bit down on her bottom lip, feeling her heart start thumping under his heavy stare. “Fine,” she gave in as he continued looking at her. “I was thinking about that thing with Chelsea and Felix.”

His face immediately twitched with disgust, and she noticed sparks of hidden rage in his now almost grey eyes.

“Don’t think about it anymore,” he said firmly, and she could hear the notes of steel in his voice. “Can you do that for me?”

She stared back at him for a long moment, trying to wrap her mind around what sounded so strange in his words – besides the fact that he seemed to actually care. Finally, Alice nodded.

“With your words, if you please.”

She rolled her eyes. “Okay, I won’t think about it anymore.”

“Good.”

He pulled over across the street from Lottie’s house and stopped the engine. They sat in silence for a few moments before Alice looked at the man unsurely.

“Thanks for giving me a lift,” she said finally. “So, I’ll see you on Friday?”

He nodded. “Give me your phone.”

“What?”

He raised an eyebrow, and she just did as he said, too tired to argue. She watched the man as he typed his number into her list of contacts and then put the phone back into her hand.

“Now you’ll know it’s me when I call you,” he nodded at the car door. “Sweet dreams, little Alice.”

She climbed out of the car and crossed the street when a sudden thought dawned on her.

“Hey! How do you…” she turned around just to realize his car has already left. “Know my number,” she finished her question and let out an irritable sigh. “Of course.”

Her body was trembling when she finally got inside the house and quietly walked to the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea. The quietness of the sleepy house felt comforting, and she finally managed to relax as she sat on the kitchen counter in the dim light of a floor lamp, waiting for the water to boil.

_Dublin,_

_May 7, 2007_

“Hey, Han,” Adelais walked into the ginger girl’s room, carrying a bunch of freshly cut peonies in her hands. “I’ve brought you these.”

She bent over to grab a simple clear vase from the bottom shelf of the cabinet in the corner of the room and stepped into the bathroom to fill it with water – and to escape looking at Hannah for just a few more seconds. Every time she looked at the ginger girl with that feeding tube, her heart sunk with pity for her friend, and Adelais wished she could’ve done something to help her, to make this easier for Hannah…

But she couldn’t. So, she just sat there with her whenever she had a free moment, trying to convince the other girl to leave her room and go for their usual walk through the small garden but every time she met refusal. Hannah couldn’t bring herself to let people see her with the tube stuck in her nose, even though Adelais kept reminding her that the only people who could see her were doctors and other patients who weren’t looking much better themselves.

She put the flowers onto the nightstand next to Hannah’s bed and took her usual place in the armchair.

“How are you feeling today?” the dark-haired girl asked softly.

Hannah looked at her through half-lidded eyes and shrugged. “As always.”

“You’ve been stuck in this room for too long. It’s such a lovely weather today, we should spend some time outside.”

“I don’t want to,” ginger’s voice was flat and emotionless when she continued. “My parents called me today. They want to come to visit me this weekend.”

“That’s great, right?” Adelais leaned forward to brush Hannah’s hand with her fingers. “I know you’ve been missing them lately.”

“I don’t want them to see me like this,” finally, Hannah’s voice cracked with some kind of emotion, and her eyes glistered with barely hold tears. “Just look at me. I’m a mess.”

They heard some noises coming from the corridor, and a moment later one of the nurses pushed the door open and walked into the room. The woman was carrying a bag with liquid nutriment for Hannah, and the ginger girl’s body went rigid the same moment.

“Excuse me, ladies,” the nurse stepped closer and started changing the bags connected to the dripper while Adelais moved to sit on the bed next to Hannah so she could squeeze her hand comfortingly.

When the woman was gone, Hannah pointed at herself with a crooked ironic smile.

“If my parents see me like this, it’ll break their hearts. My mom… She used to be a model, too, you know? I thought she understands me… but then they locked me in here, and I got so angry…”

“But you’re not anymore.”

“No, I guess, I’m not,” Hannah shook her head a little. “I just don’t want to disappoint them. Adi, I don’t want them to think I’m weak and good for nothing. I want them to be proud of me.”

Adelais leaned in to wrap the other girl into her arms, feeling every single sharp bone under her hands. Hannah was the purest, the most innocent souls she’s ever met, and she wanted to protect her, to help her through this the best she could. Doctor Armas asked her to keep an eye on the ginger, but she’d do it without requests.

She tried so hard to make the days less horrible for Hannah, to put a smile to her face even for a split of a second, but it seemed like the other girl was fading away with each passing day. She became empty, like a bath drained of water, and Adelais didn’t know what to do to breathe some life back into her.

She nodded towards the peonies and pulled on a little smile: “The gardener tried hitting on me, again.”

Hannah’s eyes darted to her, and Adelais saw a flicker of interest on the bottoms of her blown pupils – it seemed that the only thing that the ginger girl cared about was the sudden interest of the young man towards her friend.

“Did he?”

It’s been just about a week since the first time he spoke to her, but from that moment, he would stop her every time she walked outside to talk to the girl, and every time she would then report about it to Hannah.

“He asked me if I wanted to grab a coffee with him when I’m out of here.”

“And what did you say?”

Hannah moved closer to Adelais, listening intently, and the dark-haired girl felt her heart swell in her chest. She wanted to help Hannah so much, and if this was the way – so be it. She kept talking, watching the other girl’s reaction.

When she finished, Hannah leaned against the pillows, forgetting about the tube, her crumbling body, everything that’s been terrifying her for so long… Adelais took her hand into her and nodded towards the windows.

“Tomorrow we’ll go for a walk together, and it’s not a suggestion.”

Before Hannah could’ve answered, one of the nurses called for Adelais, and she got to her feet slowly, stretching with her whole body. “I’ll see you in a bit.”

She smiled at the other girl and left the room. She walked down the corridor and up the stairs until she reached Dr. Armas’ office. She was ready to knock on the door when she heard a loud man’s voice coming from behind the heavy doors.

“Mar, what the hell?!”

“I told you not to call me that,” Dr. Armas’ voice was dripping with cold anger.

“Marisol,” the man spat out. “Better now?!”

The door flew open almost hitting Adelais when a tall, dark-haired man stormed out of the office not even noticing her. Hesitantly, she stepped into the room.

“Doctor Armas?”

She called for the woman who was standing before the window, breathing heavily.

“Adelais?” she pointed towards the chair. “Please, sit down.”

Adelais took her usual seat waiting for the woman to seat across the desk from her and looked through the files before her. She opened Adelais’s file and stared down at the papers blankly.

“Doctor Armas, is everything okay?” the girl leaned forward.

“Yes,” the woman put the glasses on and finally looked at Adelais. “How are you feeling today?”

This was the question she hated the most. Every day she had to answer it, and every day it was a lie. She kept telling she was doing better, that she regretted cutting herself, regretted trying to kill herself, was ready to start a new chapter of her life… But none of that was how she felt. She didn’t regret anything, she felt nothing at all.

All her feelings were gone, there was nothing left inside of her.

The only time she felt anything at all was when she was with Hannah, and her instinct screamed that she had to protect her, even if it was the last thing she does. Somehow, this aerial girl turned from a stranger into someone Adelais cared for, for the first time in many years. If not for this ginger, she’d already gone insane in this place, she’d just turned into this numb, feelingless statue, just like everyone else here.

“I’m pleased with how your recovering is going,” Doctor Armas stated at the end of their session. “You’ve got a long way to go but I’m glad to see your progress.”

Adelais nodded. “Thank you, doctor… Hannah told me her parents want to visit her?”

“Yes,” the woman set down her glasses.

“Hannah doesn’t seem keen on that. She doesn’t want them to see her like that.”

“It will be a good wake-up call for her,” Doctor Armas disagreed. “She doesn’t want to upset her parents, so she might start trying to recover if she sees them upset and worried about her… But you seem to be a good example for her, and I’m glad you’re supporting her. Both of you girls need each other now.”

Adelais nodded in agreement, leaving the doctor’s office with a heavy feeling in her chest that she couldn’t find an explanation for – and that what made it even more unsettling. She returned to her room and closed the door behind her, trying to calm down her suddenly rushing heart.

Slowly, she pulled a sleeve of her shirt up and stared at the healed cuts that now turned into scars, dragging her fingertips over the soft, swollen skin while her mind drifted far away from the hell she was living in.


	18. It would be so nice if something made sense for a change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a shorter one.  
> Blame Kris for harassing me to update before the planned time.

_Dublin,_

_May 12, 2007_

“Mom, Dad, this is Adi,” Hannah’s quiet, shaky voice reached Adelais as if from under the water.

The dark-haired girl snapped out of her trance and forced a small, polite smile. “It’s lovely to meet you both.”

Hannah’s parents have just arrived at the clinic, and the ginger girl asked Dr. Armas to call for her friend, so she didn’t have to deal with their worry and reproach on her own. Adelais walked up to the window to change the peonies in the vase. She did it almost every day now that the gardener kept cutting them for her.

The other girl’s parent watched her intently, clearly trying to figure out why she was there. The dark-haired girl grabbed the vase and moved towards the bathroom, trying to win a few seconds before she had to get back there and smile and try to convince Hannah’s parents that everything wasn’t as bad as it looked.

She filled the vase with fresh water and put the flowers in, enjoying the soft, delicate scent.

“Adelais, right?” Hannah’s dad helped her put the vase down. “Hannah always talks about you; you’ve been a great friend to her.”

“Thank you, Mr…”

“Just Francis, please, and this is Donna,” he pointed at the woman who was sitting quietly on her daughter’s bed.

The girl leaned against the windowsill and watched Hannah and her parents as they spoke about news from home and tried to avoid the elephant running around the room. The ginger girl looked even paler and weaker than on her first week at the clinic, and the feeding tube made her ill appearance seem even sicker.

Adelais got used to Hannah’s looks but her parents could barely contain themselves, her mother especially. The woman managed to keep her beauty even in mid-forties, her long, heavy curls were a deeper shade than Hannah’s and framed her aristocratic features. Unlike her daughter’s, Donna’s face wasn’t flawed with freckles, her skin perfect and smooth, the signs of aging walked past her.

Her husband would throw admiring glances at her from time to time, so unconscious, as if being mesmerized with her was a part of his nature, and it made Adelais think of her parents who could barely stand looking at each other. How different their families, their lives were – but yet, they both ended up the same, two injured, broken dolls with barely any hope left.

She held the conversation until it was time for the nurse to change the bags with Hannah’s nutrition and feed the girl – a procedure, the ginger wouldn’t allow anyone to watch, including her only friend.

“We’ll speak to Dr. Armas and will get back,” Hannah’s mother said in her soft, melodic voice and squeezed the girl’s shoulder before leaving.

“Adi?” Hannah called for her when the dark-haired girl moved towards the door.

“Yeah?” she stopped in her tracks immediately and turned to the other girl.

Hannah waited until her parents were out of the room and whispered so the nurse wouldn’t hear them.

“Please, do something for me,” she fiddled a button of her cardigan in her fingers nervously. “Listen in to their conversation… I don’t know what’s going on, but I feel like Dr. Armas isn’t telling me the whole truth. Please, would you do this for me?”

Adelais grabbed Hannah’s hand and squeezed it affectionately.

“I will,” she whispered back. “I’ll go now, and will come back when your parents leave, alright?”

The other girl nodded, biting on her bottom lip not to cry, and Adelais left her, barely containing tears of her own. Hannah wasn’t getting better, and it was obvious to anyone who took care to look at the ginger girl. Now, that she couldn’t escape her ‘feedings’, her body received all the needed nutrition, but it seemed to be rejecting it.

If just a couple of weeks ago Hannah was constantly talking about leaving the clinic and going back to modeling, now this topic seemed to bring too much pain and she stopped talking about it altogether. Her only way of living was through Adelais, and the grey-eyed girl tried to make her stories as entertaining and vivid as possible.

She told her about the gardener and Dr. Armas’ boyfriend drama; about the art classes she attended because she had to ‘express her hidden anger in a positive outlet’. And never they spoke about the outside world. Besides the times a sentence or two slipped accidentally, they kept their secrets in their hearts, both unconsciously protecting each other.

Adelais walked upstairs and down the empty corridor until she reached Dr. Armas’ office. Hannah’s parents were already there, and the girl pressed herself into the heavy wooden door to hear them better.

“Doctor,” Francis began but his next words drown in the screeching of someone’s chair.

“Why would you think that, Mr. Sinclair?”

“Because we’re not blind!” Donna’s voice cut the other woman short. “She’s not getting any better, to say least!”

“Mrs. Sinclair,” Dr. Armas said in a calm, soothing tone of voice. “With patients like Hannah, it is not uncommon to have a regress before they start getting better.”

“You think she will get better?” Mr. Sinclair asked with a long sigh.

“We’re doing everything to ensure that,” the psychiatrist responded. “The most important thing is that she should want to get better. Unless it’s her desire to get well, there’s only this much we can do – and I think, now, she’s getting there.”

The voices became quieter, and Adelais couldn’t hear the people inside the room anymore. She closed her eyes for a moment, thinking over what she just heard. Dr. Armas seemed genuine talking about Hannah’s condition, she didn’t sugarcoat it but never gave the girl’s parents reasons to get more worried than they already were.

Slowly, she shook herself into action and moved away from the door just moments before it opened, and Hannah’s parents left the office, half-relieved. They never noticed her and moved in the opposite direction, and Adelais waited for them to start descending the stairs before she knocked on the door.

“Come in,” Dr. Armas’ voice sounded slightly tired. “Ah, Adelais? What is it?”

The woman made a motion towards a chair, and the girl took the seat, unsure of what she was going to say. Usually, she tried to stay out of Dr. Armas’ sight because of her incapability to pretend for prolonged periods of time. She could find the strength to be a perfect patient for thirty minutes three times per week, but with all the medicines she had to take, her brain was barely functioning.

She never asked to change the prescription, never complained about how easily she fell into the daze whenever she stopped making a conscious effort to stay present because none of that mattered to her, unlike Hannah, she didn’t have a life she wanted to get back to – she had no business outside the clinic, nothing to get back to. No one to miss but her grandma who didn’t even know that her granddaughter tried to kill herself and was now locked in a rehab.

“What can I do for you?” Dr. Armas’ voice snapped the girl back into reality, and she blinked, focusing her eyes.

“It’s about Hannah,” Adelais said cautiously. “I’ve heard what you said to her parents, that her getting worse isn’t a completely bad thing. That it’s a first step towards getting better of sorts.”

The woman looked at her from above her glasses.

“Is it the same for everyone?”

She didn’t plan to ask that, but the words escaped her mouth involuntarily.

“No,” the psychiatrist gave her a long, studying gaze. “It’s not the case for everyone. You’re getting better without regression.”

“I am?” the girl let out a small sigh, unsure how she felt at that moment.

“Yes, Adelais,” Dr. Armas managed a small smile that never touched her eyes. “Your friendship with Hannah is good for both of you. She has someone who takes care of her, and you have someone you care about and who accepts you. You two are helping each other to get better, and with the aid of doctors, you girls will get out of here soon.”

A gust of warm mid-May wind flew through the windows bringing the smell of flowers and freshly mowed lawn into the room. Through the light curtains, Adelais could see the crowns of trees surrounding the building and the bright blue sky with little islands of soft, fluffy clouds.

“Your father called,” the woman interrupted the silence. “Asked me to remind you that you’ve missed last week’s call.”

“Oh, have I?” She rose her eyebrows. “I’ll call them tomorrow then.”

There wasn’t much to tell them. She didn’t miss them, or her friends, or school. She had nothing to share with them and she had no care about their lives. What would she talk to them about? How beautiful the Irish weather was?

“I told them not to worry,” the woman’s voice suddenly softened, and the girl looked up at her. “You don’t have to speak to anyone you don’t want to talk to. You’re here to get well, and if taking a break from the outside world is what you need, no one’s going to blame you.”

“T-thank you,” Adelais said almost sincerely, surprised with this sudden change in the demeanor of this always stone-cold woman.

“I told your father that you’re trying hard,” the doctor continued. “I can see it. Even when you say things just to make me or other staff think that you’re getting better, you’re still trying to believe in that yourself, I can see it. The way you’re taking care of Hannah – this is you getting better, too. You’ve got a long way to go ahead but you’re on the right path.”

Unsure how to react, the girl just nodded.

“I should probably go.”

Was she getting better or she got so good at lying to everyone including herself that she made them believe she was?

She stopped in the doorway and glanced back at her doctor. The woman was standing by the window with an expression on her face that Adelais has never seen before, and this sudden revelation almost scared the girl. What was she thinking about that made her usually composed body slouch and her sharp features fall?

She left the office and went back downstairs, into her room, with a heavy feeling in her chest that she just missed something really important… or that she just learned something she shouldn’t have learned.

_Newcastle,_

_November 14, 2007_

“Ali,” Bobby’s voice gently pulled the girl out of sleep. “Wake up, it’s past two.”

She stirred in her bed, throwing heavy comforter aside, and sat up. Her pastel blue hair was now tangled and matted, makeup from the night before smudged and she was still wearing the same clothes she wore to work.

The girl frowned and crossed her arms in her chest to hide the scars. Bobby’s glance flickered down for a second and returned to her drained of energy and emotions face.

“Ye can’t keep going like that,” he said finally. “Ye’r exhausting yeself.”

Alice shrugged slightly and stretched her legs, relieved that the morning light wasn’t bright enough for the Scot to see the scars through her sheer black tights.

“It is what it is, Bobby,” she said in a raspy morning voice. “It’s only me and Blake this week since Hugh got sick and another waitress just left. And I need the money, I can’t keep asking you to drive me to places.”

She climbed out of the bed and grabbed some clothes from the closet. “I’ll see you downstairs, okay?”

It’s been less than two weeks since she started working at Wonderland, but it seemed as if it’s been an eternity. She couldn’t remember the last time she got back home before four in the morning, and the last time she got up before lunchtime. And she couldn’t remember the last time she felt anything but exhaustion.

Her hand squeezed the handle the moment the bathroom door flew open, releasing a cloud of steam.

“Oh,” she startled, jumping aside. “It’s you.”

Lucas gave her a studying look. “Long night?”

“Endless, more likely,” she responded moving past him. “Are you gonna move or what?”

Lucas sniggered and leaned against the door frame.

“No, I can hang on for a bit.”

The girl stared blankly at him, too tired to care anymore. She shrugged and threw the clothes aside, too tired to care anymore. Lucas studied her for a moment as she was brushing her teeth and then said with a hint of almost concern: “You should slow down unless you’re trying to wear yourself out.”

With that, he left the girl alone, and Alice put the toothbrush down and stared at her reflection.

Slowing down wasn’t an option. She was drained, completely, but for the first time in her life she went to sleep without a single thought in her head, she had no time or strength to think or feel anything. She was almost… normal?

She pulled her clothes off and stepped into the shower, trying to convince herself that she was actually becoming normal and wasn’t on the verge of something even worse than ever before.


	19. Oh, you can't help that.

_Newcastle,_

_November 20, 2007_

Dark heavy clouds hung above the house, ready to burst with pouring rain. Alice put the mug down onto the windowsill and pressed her forehead against the cool glass of the window, staring into the twilight. It’s been less than three weeks since she started working at Wonderland, but it seemed like she’s been doing it for years. It was simple work, bringing people their drinks and pretending that dirty looks didn’t bother her. 

She took a sip of her tea and turned away from the window as the voices coming from the living room became louder. Priya was displeased with Chelsea for whatever reason, and the argument was slowly turning into a fight. 

“Avoiding the crowd?” Lucas startled her, and the mug almost slipped out of the girl’s hand.

“I don’t see you playing the referee either,” she huffed under her breath, returning to the sink to pour the tea down the drain and wash up the mug. 

“Touché,” the man shrugged and took a few steps closer, leaning on the counter. “I see you didn’t take my advice.”

Alice turned the taps off and looked up at him.

“What are you on about?”

“I said you should slow down,” he said in a low voice, drawing the words out. “What are you trying to prove?”

“I’m not trying to prove anything,” Alice frowned, grazing her bottom lip between her teeth. “I’m just trying to make some money.”

“At that dumpster?”

His questions made her feel… she couldn’t explain it. As if she felt the need to make excuses for herself and what she’s been doing, and she hated it. She made a decision, to not let anyone ever decide for her, ever again. And she won’t let this prick to judge her for the way she was living, he had no right for that. She cocked her head slightly and looked the man straight in the eyes.

“That’s none of your business. What I do – or where I do it, is not of your concern.”

“Oh, really?” there were almost menacing notes in the tone of his voice now, and Alice took a subconscious step back when Lucas straightened and shifted closer to her. 

The voices in the living room became louder, ensuring that no one would hear their conversation. The man moved closer to her, and Alice fund her back pressed against the stainless-steel fridge door. Her breathing hitched as Lucas pressed his hand against the door next to her shoulder and leaned forward, bringing his face so close to hers that the girl could see little specks of light playing in his eyes.

He tilted his head to his side just slightly, evaluating her with a piercing look of his dark brown, almost black, eyes. 

“Haven’t heard of personal space, I see?” she mumbled unconfidently, her face flush red.

“Why?” he made his voice sound lower. “Don’t you enjoy having me in your personal space?”

She could barely stand his gaze but wasn’t able to stop staring at him as if hypnotized. She could feel the warmth emanating from his body, not comforting and cozy like the one she felt whenever Bobby threw his arm around her shoulders – but the flaring heat that burned on her skin and made her pulse race.

She swallowed hard through the lump in her throat, trying to come up with something – anything – to say, but her brain didn’t seem to work properly when he was so close. 

“If you needed a job, you could’ve just asked,” Lucas continued, noticing her fastened breath, and blown pupils.

“Why’d you help me?” she quaked raspily, barely recognizing her own voice. “Why do you even care?”

The man gave her a long, studying look before the corners of his mouth turned upwards. 

“Damsels in distress just happen to be my type,” he grinned and leaned even closer, tracing his forefinger down the girl’s cheek. “Or maybe, I just enjoy helping those in need of a hand, hm?”

His touch left hot trails on her skin as if he was made out of the fire. The closeness of his body, the way his finger contoured her face and moved slowly down her neck, the invasion of her personal space – everything made her heart pound with excitement, hammering out of the girl’s chest. 

Everything about him made her want to be closer, to burn in his heat, and it terrified her, the way she had to press her body harder against the fridge not allowing it to tip forward. Her jaw set, and he felt it under his fingers. 

Her eyes glazed as his hand continued its path down her throat that suddenly went dry, and the man’s lips stretched into a wide, wicked smile.

“I see,” he leaned into her, and his chest pressed against the girl. “You _do_ enjoy having me in your personal space.”

“No,” she breathed out heavily, barely registering anything but his breath on her neck.

“Yes, _Alice_ ,” the way he said her name made her skin prickle with goosebumps. “And you can’t help that.”

And she couldn’t. All these weeks, every time she saw him, her heart started racing and her body turned hot and trembling. She kept thinking of him when he wasn’t around while taking shower and lying in her bed at night, she closed her eyes and her mind showed her pictures of him, and she couldn’t do anything about that.

She didn’t like him, not even a bit, but her body didn’t care. Every cell of it wanted to get closer to him, wanted his hand to never stop touching her, wanted his lips on hers. 

It was madness, and she knew it, but every time he spoke to her, every time his dark eyes fell on her, a thrill of electricity rushed down the girl’s spine, making her insides boil with lust, lust for _him_. And just as wrong and terrifying, it was exciting, enthralling, it made her feel almost… free? She couldn’t explain it to herself, but somehow, wanting him was liberating. As if she was finally normal. As if her depression wasn’t ripping her off such basic things anymore. As if she was free to want whoever, and no one could tell her different.

Lucas’ lips moved as he whispered something she didn’t catch and brushed the sensitive skin of her ear, catching her off-guard. A small sigh escaped her mouth, barely audible, but the man was close enough to hear it. He moved his hand down her arm, fingertips barely touching her skin, and put his lips to her ear: “Can’t help it, can you?”

She wasn’t going to respond, she couldn’t even if she tried, all her sensations suddenly focused on his mouth dragging from her ear down her neck. The touch of his lips left a burning trail of half-kisses on her flushed skin. He was barely touching her, but her body was ready to give out, her legs barely holding her weight. No one ever touched her like that before, except that night Chelsea got her drugged and someone almost used her.

Alice rushed those thoughts out of her head: she could barely remember anything from that night, there was no point in thinking about it three weeks later. 

“You like this?” his lips moved to nip on her throat, and she barely managed to hold back a moan.

The girl murmured something under her breath, barely realizing what she was saying.

“No, I want to hear you say it,” Lucas moved his hand to catch her chin between his fingers. “Look at me.”

She never noticed the moment her eyes fell shut, and now she snapped them open just to find his face less than an inch away from her. His smoldering stare made her insides flutter as his thumb ran over her bottom lip.

“I want you to tell me you want me,” he leaned into her to kiss his path from the crook of her neck and up to the shell of her ear.

She didn’t know she was capable of feeling that way. As if her body had a mind of its own, she slowly pushed herself forward, bringing their bodied even closer, and laid her hands onto his sides timidly, unsure if she was allowed to. Her memory threw a picture of her sitting on top of him in the living room, the night they played Never Have I Ever, and how much she needed him at that moment.

Now, the knot in the pit of her stomach was pulsing with desire, making her entire body tremble as her fingers moved up his torso, mapping his body. 

“Say it,” he ordered, biting into the skin of her throat, and she jerked under his touch, a moan escaping her parted lips.

“I do,” she whispered brokenly, her hands moving to the back of his neck, hoping he kisses her now. 

The sound of the fight in the next room, the thunderstorm outside the window, someone’s car siren going off – everything went quiet, the only thing she could hear was her blood pumping into her head, making her ears fill with cotton wool. 

“No,” he whispered back raspy. “Say all the words, Alice.”

His hand finally moved to grab her waist, and he pressed his hips against her, letting her feel how he was. Her imagination drew pictures before her closed lids, so bright and colorful, almost surreal, and she saw him in the kitchen, standing in the light of an open fridge completely naked. 

Her core was pulsing with a need, clouding any reasonings that she might still have. He wasn’t anywhere a good choice, he was with somebody else, _somebody_ who will turn her life into the hell of she finds out about what was now happening in the kitchen – but she didn’t care. His hand moved up, sliding under her sweater, and she lost it.

“I want you,” she breathed out, dropping her head onto his chest.

“Good girl,” he smirked against her neck before he finally claimed her mouth, kissing her deeply.

She couldn’t breathe, lost in sensations, feeling his tongue everywhere, as if it was all over her body. She needed more of him, her shyness giving way to desire she never knew before as if she finally woke up from a life-long daze. Her hands slid under his shirt, caressing his chiseled stomach and chest, her fingers catching fire of his body.

She moaned into his mouth when his hand cupped her breast and another took hold of the back of her neck as he deepened the kiss, even more, sucking the air out of her. 

Someone’s loud cough made them both to jerk away from each other. Panting, Alice looked up, ready to meet Priya’s furious stare…

“Lottie?” a wave of relief washed over her body followed by embarrassment. “It’s not…”

She stopped herself: it was exactly what the pink-haired girl thought it was. She just kissed someone else’s partner. 

“Oi, Lo!” Bobby stumbled into the girl who was still standing in the back door, staring at the couple in the kitchen. “Whit is it?”

Lucas shrugged and straightened his shirt: “Nothing of your concern.”

The man grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl and slowly walked towards the other door. He stopped in the doorway and turned back to send Alice a small grin.

“Until next time.”

She felt her cheeks flush red and rushed to turn away from Bobby and Charlotte, trying to catch her breath. She felt a hand as it lay on her shoulder and unwillingly turned to face the goth girl.

“He’s a jerk, you know that, right?”

Alice just nodded, and the older girl sighed. “I’m just worried about you. I only wish you well, hope you know that.”

“I do,” she responded through a lump in her throat. “Don’t you… judge me? He’s with Priya, and she is…”

“She’s an adult woman, and she knows my opinion,” Charlotte moved to unload the grocery bags, and Bobby came up to Alice, a look of concern in his amber eyes.

The girl could barely look at him, and he leaned in to whisper: “Let’s go upstairs and talk.”

She nodded, and they both made their way into her room. Alice closed the door behind them and stood in front of the window, watching the streams of water as they ran down the glass. Bobby sighed and wrapped his arms around her, resting his head on her shoulder, and she felt her eyes well up from the relief: he wasn’t mad at her.

“Do ye like him?” the Scot asked quietly.

I-I don’t know,” she stuttered. “I don’t think I _like_ him,” her face flushed red. “But I feel… something. My body feels something,” she added, embarrassed. 

Bobby kept quiet for a moment.

“He’s a horrible choice, ye know? A know it’s yer choice and ye can dae whit ye want, and A’ll support ye… but don’t ye want yer first time to be with someone who loves ye? Who ye love?”

“Was it like that for you?” she asked, tracing patterns on the skin of his arm.

“Na, that’s why A want ye to have it. A fucked some random guy at the party whose name A didnae know, and A still regret it.”

They both went silent for a long moment, both consumed with their thoughts. She never thought of what her first time would be because she never thought she’ll make it that far in life to find out. She never was in love – and she never even liked anyone enough to want them. And now, she was both excited and terrified of going into this unknown territory.

She remembered the way Lucas’ touch made her feel, and her body flushed. 

“But ye don’t have to listen to me,” Bobby said finally. “A only say it because A love ye, little lassie.”

“I know,” she wiggled in his arms. “I love you, too.”

Bobby kissed her cheekbone gently, tightening his grip on her delicate body, and then pressed his forehead against her. In his arms, she felt so warm and safe… loved. Slowly, she tilted her head to look into her best friend’s eyes.

“I know it’s – it’s a lot, too much to ask… and I don’t even know how it’ll work but… If you could…” she said in a shaking voice, willing herself not to look down. “If you could do it for me, I want it to be you.”

She caught Bobby’s confused gaze and continued, gathering the rest of her confidence.

“I want my first time to be with someone I love… with you.”


	20. Then the words don’t fit you.

_Dublin,_

_May 27, 2007_

“Hannah!”

Adelais jumped to her feet when she saw her friend walking slowly towards her. Her ginger hair was glowing in the bright rays of the early afternoon sun, creating a halo around the girl’s head. 

“They took off the tube!” Adelais ran up to her friend and pulled her into an embrace, feeling all prominent bones under her hands. “Does it mean…?”

“Yeah,” the ginger patted her back, clinging onto her as the simple walk down the stairs exhausted her. “I gained eight pounds, and they decided I can eat like normal people.”

Both of them walked slowly towards the small fountain in the middle of the park, breathing in the scent of peonies and blooming rose bushes. It was a long time since Hannah went outside, and the girl seemed like a deer in a spotlight, too scared of her own shadow. It broke Adelais’ heart, seeing her friend in such a state, but she shrugged it off and focused on making this short walk as normal as possible.

They arranged themselves on a bench under the trees, just a few feet from the fountain, and Hannah closed her eyes and tilted her head up, exposing the pale skin of her face to the stray sunlight. Adelais watched the other girl as she enjoyed the peaceful summer afternoon, thinking about the past couple of months.

She couldn’t believe she found a friend in this place, someone she would care so much about, and see her getting better was the best thing that happened there yet. And when it came to her own well-being… Adelais tried so hard to convince everyone she was getting better, she started believing it herself. 

Her mind slowly drifted away as she stared at Hannah’s long strands of hair, and her head filled with peaceful quietness, as it happened often those days. 

“Adi?”

The ginger’s voice snapped her out of the trance, and the dark-haired girl focused on her friend.

“What is it, Han?” notes of worry crawled into her voice.

“Nothing… you just zoned out, again.”

“Sorry,” Adelais shook her head. “I was just thinking.”

It was only half-lie. She wasn’t sure of what exactly was going on through her mind in those moments she fell out of reality, but the girl was sure that she wasn’t just sitting there, staring into space. It was impossible not to think at all, right? Even if there was silence in her head, there were some pictures flashing before her eyes, she just couldn’t make them out.

Hannah frowned a little, fiddling with the sleeves of her cardigan.

“Do you think they’ll let me out of here soon?” the ginger asked timidly, and the other girl caught her hands with hers.

“I’m sure of that,” she said with more optimism that she held. “You’ve gained weight, you’re getting better. I’m sure it won’t be too long before Dr. Armas decides you’re good to go.”

“I hope so,” the other girls sighed. “It’d be nice if they discharged me before midsummer.”

She went quiet, not willing to continue her thought, but Adelais knew what the other girl was thinking about: model castings for the Fashion Week in September were held during the summer, and Hannah wished to be there. Adelais knew that the other girl wouldn’t give up on her dream, not even now, and part of her wanted for it to work out for her – but another part was terrified of what might happen if her friend gets back into that world. 

“What did Dr. Armas say?” the dark-haired girl pulled her knee to her chest and rested her chin on it. 

“She said she’s proud of my progress. And she trusts me to keep it up,” Hannah’s face fell a little. “I really want to get better, Adi. But there this voice in my head, it keeps telling me that I’m disgusting, that I should be ashamed of a pig that I’ve become.”

Hannah’s voice broke, and the ginger girl hid her face in her hands.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she sobbed. “My parents… I don’t want them to worry about me. I hate that they saw me like _that_ , I hate that they’re so sad – because of me. I want to get better, for them.”

“Han,” Adelais grabbed her friend’s hands and pulled them away from her face. “Look at me.”

When the ginger met her gaze with her tear-filled eyes, Adelais continued, hoping her voice sounded convincing enough. 

“Your parents just want you to be okay, for yourself, not for them… and I know, it’s hard to believe that you’re worth of fighting for – trust me, I do – but you _are.”_

Hannah’s large blue eyes welled up again, and the tears ran down her cheeks. Adelais pulled the other girl into a tight embrace, combing her hair with her fingers, thinking of how this poor soul was incapable of battling her demons, no matter how hard she’s been trying… And how she herself didn’t even know what she was doing anymore. 

They sat together, motionless, arms wrapped around each other until one of the nurses went outside looking for them: it was time for Hannah to eat her first actual meal, and for Adelais to see Dr. Armas. 

She walked up the stairs slowly, giving herself some time to rearrange her scattered thoughts. How much longer she was supposed to stay there? Until her brain shuts down completely, and she cannot concentrate not only on reading but won’t be able to even speak because her brain will be too dizzy for that.

She knocked and entered the room, straightening her back.

“Adelais,” Dr. Armas pointed towards the chair as she always did. “Please, sit down. Give me a moment.”

The girl took the seat and let her eye wander. She came to this office three times a week for two months, she could name every title of every medical volume and tell, where a family of little malachite elephants lived. She studied this room with her eyes so many time, it burned onto her brain. Sometimes, she would close her eyes and try and remember the name of that book on the top shelf, third on the left, this little game of hers helped her recollect her thoughts whenever she didn’t know what to answer to one of the endless questions Dr. Armas asked her.

Sometimes, she thought of her room back home – she knew it just as well as she knew this office, as she knew her room one staircase under, just like she knew Hannah’s room and the small garden outside. And she felt about it just as she felt about all of these other places: she felt nothing. 

As if that room belonged to somebody else and had nothing to do with her. As if that room wasn’t her only escape at those times, she couldn’t pretend to be okay anymore.

The girl flipped her hair over her shoulder in an attempt to distract herself from those thoughts. She couldn’t tell if she was depressed or just sad, couldn’t even tell if whatever that numbness inside of her was even some sort of feeling – or if her heart just shrunk into a void, and she lived without it.

She looked up and realized that Dr. Armas was staring at her, clearly expecting an answer.

“I’m sorry,” she bit on her lip. “What did you just say?”

The woman studied her face for a moment, pushed her chair, and got to her feet to walk over the desk and take the other chair, on the left of the girl. She was still young, in her mid-thirties, and Adelais sometimes wondered lazily how that woman managed to get the whole clinic to herself at such a young age. 

The more she got to get to know her through their sessions and little encounters, the less resentment she felt towards the Aesculapian. 

“I think we should discuss your medications,” the woman said, bending over to grab her notebook and a pen. “Do you often experience a lack of concentration? Brain fatigue? The feeling that your mind goes blank for some time?”

For a moment, Adelais considered saying everything was fine. She wanted to get out of that place so she had to pretend she was getting better, not turning into this feelingless, thoughtless statue that could only function when someone was around and spend her alone time staring into the distance.

Slowly, she nodded, unsure she was making the right decision. “I do, sometimes. If I stop focusing, I sometimes… as you said. My brain goes blank for a moment.”

“Anything else?”

The girl frowned, teasing her bottom lip between her teeth. 

“I feel… numb.”

“Numb how?” Dr. Armas wrote something in her notebook, and Adelais took a deep breath as if preparing for a dive.

All these weeks she came here and said what she thought the woman wanted to hear. It wasn’t all lies, but there was little truth in her words. But now, something inside of her pushed her to trust her doctor. Maybe, it was the way she’s been helping Hannah, the way she cared about her, and wanted her well. Or maybe, she just got tired of pretending something she wasn’t? Adelais had no answer to that. 

Timidly, she said: “I know I’m supposed to feel a certain way in a certain situation. I _know_ that my heart should be breaking whenever I see Hannah… but I don’t _feel_ it. As if someone flicked the switch and turned all my emotions off.”

As she spoke, she felt a large burden being lifted off her shoulders. Now, that she finally said it out loud, it stopped eating her from the inside, telling her that she was a horrible person, having no compassion for someone who’s been so damaged and almost broken. She felt like a monster, not _feeling_ anything when she held Hannah’s fragile body in her arms.

For the first time, she said it out loud, through the lump in her throat, and dropped her gaze, staring down onto her fingers.

Dr. Armas put the pen and paper aside and took off her glasses, immediately losing a few years.

“Look at me, Adelais,” the girl obeyed, and she continued with unfamiliar soft notes in her voice. “This isn’t you who cannot feel, it’s just the way your medications work. They prevent your brain from reabsorbing naturally occurring serotonin which is a hormone involved in the mood regulation process. This way, it doesn’t let your brain to realize that it’s sad – but also, it blocks out other emotions, like excitement or happiness, or strong compassion, in this case.”

The woman got to her feet and went to the bookshelves to grab one of the books. She brought the volume and handed it to the girl.

“Read this,” she took her seat again. “I cannot change the dosage now, but this will help you to understand that your feelings are still there, they’re just asleep.”

“Thank you,” surprised, Adelais flipped through the pages. “I think it will be helpful to me. I wish there was a book that would explain to me why I am… like this,” she smiled bitterly and went quiet.

Sometimes, she wondered how her life would’ve been if she wasn’t so afraid to show her real emotions, to speak up whenever she was forced to do something she hated… and if she wasn’t always so damn _unhappy._

“Like this, how?” the psychiatrist asked softly.

“So miserable all the time. As if there’s no light around me, and I’m always in the dark,” the girl said almost nonchalantly. “Sometimes, I try to remember the time when I was happy – and I can’t. As if I was born sad.”

She never dared say those words out loud, even though they were constantly on her mind. Year after year, she got further away from that little girl laughing at her from the pictures in the family album. And at this point, she wasn’t even sure that girl was her.

“You were not born sad, Adelais,” Dr. Armas said firmly. “This is the depression trying to convince you in that.”

“And it’s working.”

“I know,” the woman nodded. “This is why your medications are a very important part of the treatment, even if now it doesn’t feel good at all. But they’re working – this is why you were finally able to speak with me honestly today.”

Adelais’ cheeks turned pink.

“I-I’m sorry, I never meant to…”

“Don’t apologize,” her doctor waved her hand. “It’s part of the process. The illness doesn’t want to leave you, so it makes you act against your interests and sabotage yourself. With treatment, you’ve been able to overcome the stage where you’re trying to hurt yourself.”

“Is that… is that why I’ve been doing _this_?” she nodded towards her wrists and thighs. “Because of depression?”

Dr. Armas gave her a long, studying look and spoke slowly, thinking over her words to make the girl before her _to hear_ what she was saying.

“Only you can answer that, Adelais,” she said finally. “Was it?”

“No,” she admitted after a pause. “I think… I think it was me.”

“And why were you doing it?”

What could she say to that? That she’s been hurting her body because her mind was so overwhelmed that it was the only way to stop the hurricane of thoughts inside her head? That she’s been carving patterns in her skin just to feel some semblance of control over something – anything? That her body looked now like a battlefield because she’s lost the war and had no other choice but to cave in?

There was no answer to that question because no matter what she said, it would only show how weak and broken she was, this poor sad china doll, tossed aside when a crack ran across her beautiful porcelain face. 


	21. It’s no use going back to yesterday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vielen Dank to Kim for helping me whip this into shape ♥️

_Newcastle,_

_December 16, 2007_

Alice drove the car into the back alley behind Wonderland and honked at the girl standing just next to the backdoor. The brunette’s eyes widened with excitement, and she ran across the street.

“Hey!” Blake jumped onto the front seat. “I can’t believe, you bought it!”

The other girl gave Alice a big, happy hug – something that was a rare thing in this gloomy, reserved town, and the blue-haired girl smiled gratefully: if not for Blake, she would’ve never been able to push through the past few weeks and save enough money to be able to finally get herself a car. It was just an old Ford, similar to Bobby’s, but it was the first thing she bought with her own money, and for the first time in a very long time, she felt proud of herself.

“The owner took good care of this baby,” Blake studied the glove compartment and flipped through the radio channels. “Congrats, girl!”

They sat in the warm interior, listening to the music, preparing for a long night of work. Blake studied her long nails covered with black and silver polish for a moment before speaking: “I’m gonna leave Henrik.”

Alice snapped her eyes at the girl: “Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” the brunette nodded. “I’ve made up my mind. It can’t go on like this anymore. I have to work my ass off while all he does is play video games and talk shit about how hard his life is,” Blake’s face twisted with disgust.

“I just need to save some money so I can find myself a place to live.”

“I wish I could help you,” Alice frowned, grazing her bottom lip between her teeth. “We don’t have any free rooms, but we could share my room until you find your own place.”

The dark-haired girl smiled softly. “That’s very kind of you, babe, but I’m a big girl, I’ll figure myself out.”

She looked at the clock on the radio panel and nodded towards the club.

“We should head inside.”

Alice turned the engine off, and both girls hurried to get inside, bending under the sharp gusts of wintry wind. She never noted how November went by, always too overworked and tired to notice how the red and orange leaves fell off the trees, and the constant cold rain turned into cutting wind and morning hoarfrost.

She worked almost every night, barely ever having time to sit down for even a few minutes. They were always short on stuff as Hope kept finding reasons to fire – or to make quit - waitresses and cage dancers, and some of the nights Alice was working alone. And yet, she went back there every night, ignoring requests to slow down that she started hearing more and more often now.

She and Blake stopped to leave their coats in the staff room, and the blue-haired girl cast a glance at the mirror hanging on one of the walls. Even her paperwhite skin and dark circles didn’t take away that sweet look imprinted onto her face that seemingly attracted all local creeps, making her a target of constant unequivocal comments and ogling. At least, that’s what Blake and Hugh both told her.

She had to shake herself awake as the hall crowded with people. Almost on autopilot, she took orders and brought drinks to the tables, helped Blake at the bar, and ignored bawdy comments. It was the night Kassam played, and the club was crammed to the point she could barely maneuver between dancing bodies trying not to drop her tray.

She remembered the first time she heard him, and how his music pierced through her skin making her wonder who the guy wearing a large rabbit head was. That night seemed now such a distant memory, even though it’s been less than three months since she entered Wonderland for the first time.

Someone’s hands wrapped around her waist, and Alice turned on her heels, ready to slap Noah across his face. She stumbled back realizing it wasn’t him, but the hands on her sides never let her go.

“Why such a rush?” the young man smirked wickedly. “We have an unfinished business here.”

Alice pressed her hand into his chest trying to push him away. “I don’t know you… let go of me.”

“Well, that’s easy to fix,” his grin became even wider. “You wanted to get to know me before your make-up loving friend interrupted us…”

Events of the Halloween night came crushing, making the girl’s face flush red with embarrassment and fury. She couldn’t remember much, but even those memories she held were enough for her eyes to fill with angry tears.

“I said let me go!” her hand moved up to slap the man across his face. “Don’t ever dare touch me again!”

She caught him by surprise and managed to free herself from his grip. With her heart pounding out of her chest, Alice barged her way through the crowd and slid through the door into the back rooms. Trembling, she slumped down the wall and hid her face in her palm, breathing heavily. Ever a month and a half later, she felt humiliated and couldn’t do anything about it.

She and Chelsea had made peace and moved on from it all – but she was stuck moving past the memories of some stranger’s hands all over her body she had no connection to reality, and everyone saw it. She had locked it all up in a box in her mind – up until now when the box exploded open at the sight of the gruesome smirk of that guy. 

Suddenly, she felt someone’s hands on hers and looked up through the tears still standing in her eyes, holding onto little hope that it was Blake. 

“What is it?” Kassam’s face was calm as ever but his voice lacked the usual sarcastic note. 

“Nothing,” she sobbed and shook her head. “I’m fine.” 

“No, you’re not,” he pulled her up effortlessly as if she was a rag doll. 

“I have to go back,” Alice managed to say, almost calmly. “I’m sorry I lost it for a moment. This won’t happen again.” 

Her voice trembled at the thought of going back and bumping into that guy again, and Kassam grabbed her shoulders roughly. 

“I asked you, what is going on,” he said with a note of steel in his voice. “I expect you to answer and not make me repeat myself.” 

She stared back at him, feeling the cold emanating from his body. His eyes, his skin, his voice, everything reminded her of a frozen lake, and she shivered under his stare, willing herself not to drop her gaze. 

“You remember Halloween night?” 

He raised an eyebrow: “Do I look like I suffer memory loss?” 

“That guy… one of those guys that Bobby dragged off of me is here,” her voice dropped to whisper. 

“And that’s why you’re whimpering?” the man sounded surprised. “I’ll tell the security to kick him out if he’s bothering you.” 

Alice shook her head, keeping her eyes tracing around the swirling patterns on his shirt, unable to look him in the eye. 

“What, then?” 

She bit on her lip to calm down her breath before answering. “I can’t stop thinking about that night. I thought I had but it’s just… it’s always on the back of my mind. Seeing him made me realize that.” 

The man remained silent for a few moments and then drawled: “I see. You’ve been breaking your promise this entire time.” 

The disappointment she heard in his voice made her feel like sinking into the floor a little, the guy on the dancefloor forgotten that moment.

“What?” 

“If I recall correctly, you made a promise to me that you wouldn’t think of that night and what happened. Is that right?” 

A loud laugh just outside the door made her body stiffen, and Kassam pulled her into his green room where even the blasting music was barely audible. 

“I need to go back to work,” Alice whispered, still unable to meet his eyes. 

“What you need to do is to learn to keep your promises,” he responded coldly, his fingertips gripping her chin lightly, pushing her head up so that her eyes met his flashing ones. 

“That’s not even a real promise,” Alice crossed her arms over her chest, stubbornly refusing to break eye contact with him, now that he had forced it onto her. “You can’t promise not to think about something or not to feel a certain way.” 

“Then you shouldn’t make promises.” 

He stepped closer to her, and his lips curled up into a small grin that seemed to make his eyes even colder. Instinctively, she took a step back, and the back of her calves pressed into a coffee table behind her. This wasn’t Kassam that flirted with her at the library or let her joke about his fashion choices. This was the man that gave orders to someone who wouldn’t dare as much as look up at him and treated Lottie as if she was his property.

The flutters in her stomach grew, and she tried to ignore them, tried to ignore how a small part of her did not hate this man. She no longer had any space in her mind to even think of the guy out in the club and what had happened on Halloween night. 

“Well, I’m sorry,” she tried to roll her eyes, but her body suddenly went numb, her mouth sore and dry and muscles stiff. 

“I’ve found in life that sorry means little because no one ever changes their actions on a sorry,” he took her chin with his ice-cold fingers again, and chills ran over every inch of her skin. “I’ll have to teach you not to break promises again.” 

She swallowed hard, almost deafened by the sound her throat made. 

“Teach how?” 

He let go of her face and stepped back. “ _Stand_ here and wait until I come back,” his eyes pinned her to a spot, and she just nodded, suddenly unable to even say a word. 

She hated the feeling of the unknown, however ironic it was. She moved into a new town, not knowing anyone there, but she still couldn’t stand not knowing where he’d gone off to or what he meant by ‘teaching’ her. At least, it was _she_ who made the decision to change her life and start over, not some strange guy that made her skin crawl, at the same time as he made her flush with warmth, with a single look. 

She shifted from one foot to another, frowning. How long has he been gone for? Alice looked around hoping to see a wall clock but there wasn’t one. She had to go back to work, not to stand there waiting for her flighty boss to… _To what,_ she rubbed her temples. She couldn’t just magically stop thinking about that night, and how mad she still was with Chelsea…she ignored the voice that suddenly whispered, sounding very much like Dr. Armas, that she had indeed forgotten it all for the few moments that Kassam had been in here. 

The door opened, letting the man in. He scanned her with a piercing gaze of his ice-cold eyes and smirked, satisfied. 

“At least, you can follow orders,” he commented. “What were you thinking while I was gone?” 

The girl shrugged, and his eyes narrowed, his lips turning downwards at her refusal to answer. 

“Come here,” he sat on the couch and patted the space next to him, while also crooking his fingers in a come here gesture, that Alice refused to acknowledge loosened her insides just a bit more. 

On rubbery legs, she walked towards him, almost stumbling into something in the dim light of a dusty floor lamp. She sat on the couch, and he moved closer, invading her space. He pushed her hair aside, and a thrill of strange excitement ran up her spine as he spoke, his lips brushing against the skin behind her ear. 

“Since you enjoy dwelling on it so much, you’ll enjoy doing so out loud,” his hands moved to rest on the bare skin of her shoulders. 

Unconsciously, she pulled on the long sleeves of her off-shoulder crop top, her thoughts racing inside of her head like a cluster of angry bees, buzzing in her brain. 

“I-I don’t remember most of it,” she said finally, her face burning from embarrassment as she thought of what she _did_ remember. 

“Don’t try lying to me, little Alice,” his voice dropped lower as his fingers moved forward and brushed across her collarbones. “I will always know. I can always read you.” 

Her eyes fell shut under the lascivious touch of his hands that made her skin tingle with little sparks of electricity. Her body went limp, almost falling into his caress, and he chuckled softly, letting the girl’s back press into his chest. 

“Tell me about that night, Alice,” he ordered in the sweetest tone of voice she ever heard from him, and it made the part of her that had been trilling with excitement since he grabbed her _want_ to obey, despite everything. 

Her dry lips parted, and she licked them, her hot breath burning her own skin. “We came here earlier because of some issues with the instruments,” she spoke slowly as if trudging through quicksand. “Bobby met his ex and got upset, and I went to ask Johno if he had anything that could’ve helped him.” 

Kassam’s hands now moved up and down her sides, leaving burningly cold trails on her skin as the girl continued, breathing in small, quick gasps. She tried to focus solely on his touch, and while it helped, that night still felt so close to her that she could feel it also trailing its poison touch along her skin. 

“Johno went to help Bobby, and I stayed with Charlotte… until she went away, with you,” her voice trembled a little as she remembered the way her friend’s behavior changed around the DJ. “You treated her horribly, and I couldn’t understand, why.” 

The man smirked into her hair and moved his mouth closer to her ear. “All in due time. Go on.” 

His caresses moved to the exposed skin of her stomach, making her muscles twitch under his fingertips as his long fingers drew patterns on her as if she was his personal canvas. 

“Chelsea and Felix came up to me,” she remembered. “We spoke, and then I drank something he gave me… I don’t remember much after that,” she fumbled. 

“What did I tell you about lying?” his hand flew up and took a rough hold of her face, his fingers pressing into her jaw. 

“I-I remember dancing,” his hand was still holding her face, now almost gently, his other still caressing her stomach, sending waves of warmth over her body. “I felt so…” 

“So, what, Alice?” his breath burned the shell of her ear. 

Everything seemed surreal. His voice, his touch, her willingness to continue his game – as if it was happening to someone else. As if someone else was now moving her lips as she continued, and someone else’s breath became quicker. Again, she heard her therapist saying, ‘ _does it make it easier if you pretend it’s someone else feeling this_ ’, and she shut the voice down hastily. 

“…turned on,” she whispered, catching air with her mouth. “Someone was touching me, and I didn’t care who it was…” 

Her stomach tightened into a knot when his hand moved from her stomach to her hip, tracing from the prominent hipbone down to her thigh. 

“I never felt like that,” she licked her lips again. “As if they stop touching me, I’ll die… And then Bobby saw me and dragged them off me, but I… I didn’t want him to,” her heart was pounding in her throat, her mind half-clouded with building tension deep inside of her but still able to understand what he was pushing her to say. 

The mixture of lust and panic boiled in her veins, rushing through her body so fast her head started spinning. 

“I was not able to control myself,” she whispered, barely holding back a moan when his lips pressed to her neck. “It felt… if I was on fire, my whole body, I was burning. Bobby… brought me into the green room so I could… calm down, but I couldn’t…” 

Her body was pulsing, chest rising and falling heavily as she continued, unsure if he could even hear her – she couldn’t, through the blood rushing in her head. 

“I asked… I wanted to ask but couldn’t, I could only writhe and whine, and he kissed me, and it felt like I started drowning… because it wasn’t enough. He touched me, and I…” 

Alice stopped herself, suddenly realizing where she was and what she was doing. 

She jumped to her feet, almost tumbling over the coffee table, her eyes shining widely. She stared at the man before her as if she saw him for the first time. Her eyes stung with tears blurring her vision, but she didn’t care, too terrified of what just happened. 

“Sit down,” he said coldly. “And finish your story.” 

The girl stared at him blankly, and he sighed irritably and got up. 

“No,” she finally managed to say, backing off. “You… stay away from me.” 

She stormed out of the room, barely seeing where she headed, just needing to get out of there before she went completely mad. She wasn’t his personal doormat to be ordered about, she wasn’t one of his ridiculous girls following him like puppies, afraid to look up... but for the first time since that night, her mind seemed to be truly free from those memories. A part of her felt relief when he ordered her to speak, putting it all into his hands, and she hated that part. But still, she couldn’t deny that part was there, and so, she did what she’s been doing for months now. 

She ran. 


	22. If you’ll believe in me, I’ll believe in you.

_Newcastle,_

_December 17, 2007_

She barely had any sleep that night, tossing and turning in her bed for hours, until the dawn finally broke. Alice sat up, rubbing her temples in hope that the headache will subside but her sharp movement only brought more pain into her sore muscles. She groaned and hung her legs off the bed, and chill morning air crept under the fabric of her pajama the same moment, raising goosebumps all over her skin.

The girl walked towards the window and looked outside through the frost-covered glass. The field just maybe a hundred feet away from their house looked almost surreal, framed with naked crooked trees, it looked like a set for one of those arthouse movies she never understood.

As she grabbed her own shoulders with her palms in an attempt to stop her body from shivering, her mind wandered, again, to what happened just a few hours ago. She thought about it so much, at one point, her cheeks stopped blushing and her heart wasn’t racing at the memory of Kassam’s hands on her and his quiet, overpowering voice that seemed to sound not just in her ears, but in her head. 

He was dangerous. She knew it before but… but he never was dangerous to _her_ , until that night. Alice frowned, focusing her eyes on her own reflection in the frosted window. Many people warned her about him, but she never listened, this sense of danger was nothing but new and exciting… until now. 

The girl remembered her last conversation with Hugh on his last night at Wonderland. She watched the man counting money in the cash register for a few moments before bending over to grab a few slices of lemon.

“Are you sure you want to leave?” she asked quietly, and he looked up at her. “I thought you liked it here.”

“I still do, little Alice,” the man sighed and wrote the number on a piece of paper that he put on top of one of the stacks. “But it’s not a choice, you know that.”

The girl nodded slowly. “You’re a good grandson.”

He chuckled and closed the cash register before grabbing a bottle of vodka and some cranberry juice, and Alice reached to fetch two glasses from the tray. Hugh filled up the glasses and raised his hand. 

“A toast,” he looked around. “I hope this place will give you what you need, sweet Alice.”

They clinked their glasses and drank, each thinking of their own.

“I knew I’ll find both of you here,” Kassam’s voice caught them both by surprise, and the girl felt her heart as it started beating faster at the same moment.

There was no apparent reason for it, but somehow, whenever he was around, she had this cold, unsettling feeling that only grew stronger the more time she spent around the DJ. As the dark-haired man walked up closer to them, Hugh grabbed another glass and filled it up for his now-former boss. 

He accepted the glass and said slowly, drawing out his words ad if he had all the time in the world to make his little speech.

“It was a pleasure, working with you,” he tilted his glass a little. “You’ve been here from the start, and this place won’t be the same without you.”

He took a sip of the drink and put the glass onto the bar counter before reaching into his back pocket.

“This is something for you and your mémé,” he put the envelope into Hugh’s hand and turned to Alice. “Need a ride?”

“I’ll do it myself,” Hugh said nonchalantly. “Who knows when we meet again.”

The DJ gave him a long studying look of his piercing blue eyes and nodded slowly. “Alright, then.”

“Thanks, Kas,” the bartender extended his arm for a handshake. “I’ll see you around.”

The other man nodded and disappeared in the back corridors, leaving the two of them alone, and only then High allowed himself a small frown of concern. “Come on,” he tugged on Alice’s hand and slid off the chair. “It’s almost four.”

They left the club and drove through the sleepy neighborhoods in silence that Hugh broke only when he pulled over next to the girl’s house.

“Thanks,” she smiled at the man. “And good luck, with everything.”

She was ready to climb out of the car when he suddenly caught her hand, stopping her.

“Wait,” a frown returned to his face. “What’s going on between you and Kas?”

“Nothing,” her eyes widened in surprise. “What are you talking about?”

Hugh sighed and let go of the girl’s hand. He looked like someone who wasn’t sure if he was supposed to say anything, and his nervousness passed to Alice.

“Just tell me,” she asked softly. “I can see you want to tell me something, so just do it.”

“I told you this before: stay away from that man,” Hugh’s voice sounded cold and sober as ever. “Whatever you might be thinking, you’re wrong. If you think he will change for you – he won’t. Whatever is that you want from him, forget about it. He will give it to you, a little, but then he’ll take more, much more.”

Alice frowned, confused: “What do you mean? I don’t… I don’t want anything from him,” she felt her cheeks flush red, and it didn’t go past her companion. 

“You like that he’s there, creeping around you, don’t you? You like that he makes you feel excited and that he’s a bit of danger. But he’s not what you think he is, just ask any of his little pets.”

“Pets?”

The man shook his head. “I know, it’s none of my business, and you’re free to do whatever you’re pleased, but I had to warn you. Don’t let him get into your head, because when he’s there, there won’t be _you_ anymore.”

She never had time to think about that strange conversation, the last few days she barely had time to even eat something else than a cereal bar, but now, it finally made sense. 

Last night, she wasn’t in control of herself, at least, she let him control her for long enough to say and do things she wouldn’t of her own will – and she couldn’t explain why she let it happen. After all these years, she swore that no one will possess any power over her ever again. So what the hell happened there?

She could hear Lottie’s careful steps as she walked into the bathroom and returned back to bed, waiting for the other girl to go downstairs. Her hair still smelled of smoke and a dozen different perfumes from the night before, and she wished to wash it off.

Ignoring her reflection in the bathroom mirror, she undressed and stepped into the shower, grateful for a peaceful morning. Chelsea was spending the night at Felix’s place and Priya went to London to spend time with her friend, and the house was now unusually empty and quiet, if only for so long. 

Hot steam filled the small room, and Alice pushed the tiny window up to let in some fresh, air filled with the rich scent of wild moss, damp soil, and foliage. The skin of her arms prickled with goosebumps, but she liked this feeling, it felt real, to have chills because of cold air, not someone’s eyes staring deep into her.

She shrugged it off and closed the window before turning the taps off and wrapping herself into Bobby’s bathrobe that he never used. She used a towel to dry her hair and walked downstairs quietly, her lips curling into a small smile as she heard Bobby’s soft snoring through his half-open door.

“Morning,” she entered the kitchen where Charlotte was finishing her usual breakfast of coffee and toasts.

“Why are you up?” the pink-haired girl frowned with concern. 

“I couldn’t sleep,” Alice made sure her face didn’t give away her worries. “I’m actually glad to be up before lunchtime. I’ve missed you.”

The other girl slid off her chair to pour her some coffee, and Alice took a grateful sip immediately.

“Are you going to cut your shifts now?” Charlotte asked, putting some more bread into the toaster. 

Alice shrugged: she wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do after what happened between her and her boss. Was she supposed to act as if nothing happened and avoid him? Confront the DJ and talk him off? Just never show up there ever again?

She realized that Lottie was staring expectantly at her and forced her lips into a smile.

“Don’t worry about me,” she hid her face in the fridge. “How’s work? It’s the Holiday season, it must be so busy.”

She managed to change the topic and sighed with relief as the other girl told her about Shannon’s brilliant idea to make Lottie take part in the Winter Wonderland, the town fair, and now she was supposed to hang out with a bunch of kids pretending to be one of Santa’s Elves.”

Alice listened to her while pouring some milk into the baking mix to make Bobby breakfast. 

“I’ve got to go,” the pink-haired girl sighed. “Get some rest, okay?”

She nodded and gave Charlotte a hug and a bag of trash to take out before turning to flip the pancake. Busying her hands, she kept her mind off the thoughts that have been stalking her the whole night. Finally, she loaded a tray with food and coffee and walked slowly upstairs.

Bobby was still asleep, his face buried into the pillow, and Alice put the tray onto the nightstand next to his bed, looking at her best friend. He looked younger in his sleep, sheets wrapped around his torso, and his leg thrown over another pillow. He stirred as if feeling his stare and mumbled something into the pillow, making Alice chuckle.

Grey morning light crept through the half-closed curtains, but the corners of the rooms were still drowning in darkness, shadows dancing on the walls. She shivered a little: Bobby’s room was always the coldest. 

The Scot cracked his eyes open and smiled: “Creepy little lassie.”

She rolled her eyes and pointed at the tray.

“I brought you breakfast.”

He stretched with his whole body with visible delight and sat up, resting his back against the bed frame.

“Whit ye’r waiting for?” he lifted the duvet and patted the bed. “Hop in.”

After a moment of hesitation, Alice slid under the duvet, and the heat of Bobby’s body enveloped her immediately. 

“You’re a human radiator,” she laughed, and the man smirked.

“Ye’v no idea, lass,” he put the tray onto his lap and gave his friend an inspecting look. “You haven’t eaten yet,” he stated matter-of-factly. “Eat. And tell me, why ye’r not sleeping.”

She pinched a bit of the pancake and dipped it into the small bowl of maple syrup. Lying to Bobby never worked, as if he had some type of radar inside of him that always knew when she wasn’t honest. But what was she supposed to tell him? She didn’t even know herself what happened in that green room.

“I had too much to think about to sleep,” she said finally, shuffling a little closer to take a still hot mug from Bobby’s hands. “Turns out, I missed waking up in the morning.”

She smiled almost genuinely, and a comfortable silence fell on the room. They could hear the cry of the wind outside, but it was warm and peaceful inside. Alice rested her head on Bobby’s shoulder, watching him lazily. He looked like a big, pleased cat as he ate his breakfast, his warm thigh resting against the girls under the covers. 

“Ye want some?” he dipped a slice of apple into a bowl of syrup and hold it closer to her mouth.

The girl rolled her eyes but took a bite, and the scent of a crisp green apple reached her nose. 

“Hold on,” Bobby put the rest back onto the tray and reached to brush a drop of syrup off the corner of her mouth. His warm thumb brushed over her lips and lingered there as their eyes met. 

Her heart skipped a beat when she realized that none of them seemed to be able to move, and they sat there, listening to the wind until finally, Bobby’s hand moved slightly up to caress her cheekbone. Alice’s breath hitched at the simple touch that was so familiar but somehow new. She remembered their conversation a few weeks ago, remembered what she asked of him.

Bobby studied the girl’s face as his thumb moved across her skin, noticing the change in her icy-grey eyes that now were the color of silver as her hand moved to his face to mirror his movements. His heart felt with tenderness at this shy, innocent gesture, and he leaned closer, pressing his lips to her forehead.

“Ye sure ye want it?” he whispered into the space between them, his pulse quickening. 

She nodded but then added, her voice breaking: “Only if… you really okay with it.”

She felt her face flush as she spoke. Bobby said he was fine, even back then when she asked him the first time – but she couldn’t stand a thought that it would be wrong for him: he wasn’t even attracted to her, or to girls…

“A love ye, Ali,” he responded, gently palming her face. “A will do anything for ye.”

”But you’re...”

“What, gay?” He laughed softly. “It’s not a diagnosis, little lass. Ah feel things for ye, Ali, A love ye. A’m allowed to dae what A want, and A want tae make sure ye never repeat mah mistake.”

Bobby shifted a little to put the tray on the floor before turning back to the girl. Her eyelashes fluttered shut when he moved closer, and his mouth covered her in a soft, slow kiss. She never felt so much love that she felt at that moment as if her body was of only love as if there were no bones in muscles, only this all-consuming love for her best friend.

Bobby’s hand moved to the back of her neck, caressing the skin gently, and she did the same, following his lead. He felt more confident as she looped one arm around his body, pulling him closer, and moved his kisses along her jawline and down her neck, feeling her pulse fastening as he gently nipped on the skin of her throat.

Her cold fingers traced patterns over the hot skin of his abs almost timidly, and it made Bobby’s heart swell in his chest, at how innocent and pure she was. He’d do anything for her. Lottie always told him he was too emotional, always all in, and that’s why he got his heart shattered time after time. But he knew it was different this time, knew that he found someone who will stay in his life forever, his best friend.

It was getting too hot, and Bobby threw the duvet aside and looked up at her flushed face framed with slightly damp hair. His beautiful broken doll. Every time she went back to tell more about her past, his heart ached for her, he couldn’t believe that he might’ve never met her…

Bobby’s hands moved down her body, and Alice’s eyes shot open the moment his fingers brushed up her leg.

“Wait…” she stopped him, and he immediately pulled back a little.

“Ye wanna stop?”

She bit her lip and shook her head, her skin flushed red. “I don’t want you to see…” she pulled her leg up nervously and never finished the sentence, but he didn’t need her to.

Slowly, he moved his hand to untie the belt, his warm amber eyes burned into hers, and tugged on the fabric, revealing her slender legs with delicate calves. She tried to cover the scars on her things, but Bobby gently pushed her hand aside and lowered himself to kiss the milky-white skin that bore the story of her life.

Alice's eyes widened as his lips traced each of her healed, lightened scars.

“Ye’r perfect,” he looked up and pulled the robe down his friend’s shoulders, helping her slip her arms out of the sleeves. 

She was terrified of letting anyone see her body for years, petrified with the looks she was so sure she would get. But here, in the room filled with hummer of the wind and the scent of coffee and green apples, she was loved, maybe, for the first time in her life. 

Carefully, Bobby lay her down, covering her face, neck, and chest with feather light kisses while his hand moved slowly up her leg. He was afraid it will be awkward or weird, that he will embarrass himself as the people on forums wrote. He spent hours reading stories of other guys who tried doing this for their girl friends or just got drunk and tried sleeping with women to prove they could. 

But there was nothing wrong about the way his body reacted to her closeness, guided by the love that was pouring out of him with each kiss, each touch of his hand, and each little moan that escaped the girl’s mouth. Two of his fingers slid inside of her, and Alice gasped, snapping her eyes open.

“Is something wrong?” his breath got caught in his mouth and heart paused.

“No,” she breathed out, clenching onto his shoulders. “Please, don’t stop.”

The words slipped off her tongue, so innocent, it made his stomach knot. He’s heard these words many times before, he said those words himself – but never they held such power. 

He kept kissing her, catching her whimpers with his lips, until she seemed to forget about everything, her insecurities, and fears, until he finally managed to prove that she was perfect, with all her scars and cuts and demons. 

She whined when he withdrew himself to shove his briefs down his legs and grab a condom and lube from the top drawer of the nightstand. She watched him with her heavy-lidded eyes, her hands searching space around, hardly realizing what she was doing. Finally, he hovered above her and caught her gaze.

“Ye sure?” he asked again, and the girl pulled him closer in response. “It’ll hurt,” Bobby whispered, and she suddenly chuckled.

“Have you seen my body?” she whispered back. “I know all about hurt.”

Bobby wished he could make her forget about everything that pained her, to heal her completely – but he couldn’t. His hand returned between her thighs, bringing her closer to the edge until she was moaning and writhing again, her hair splayed over the pillow and face flushed. 

He pushed her legs open, lining himself up, and caught her mouth in a comforting kiss, snapping his hips into her, entering her in one fast, forceful thrust, catching a whine of pain with his lips. Her fingers dug painfully into his shoulder, but he barely noticed, stilling himself for as long as she needed to adjust. 

He felt salt on his lips and realized that the tears were running down her face. His heart froze in his chest as Bobby started pulling away, but she only grasped him harder and moved her hips up, moaning with pain mixed with pleasure.

“No, please, don’t stop,” she pleaded, and he started moving again, feeling her hands as they coiled around his neck, bringing him even closer, trying to match his pace.

If her entire life after that moment was going to be filled with pain, she will survive, she knew it. Because finally, she had someone who loved her and who she loved more than she ever thought she could. 

The spiral in the pit of her stomach started to uncoil, and she felt thrills of electricity piercing through her. She caught Bobby’s eyes and lost herself in their warm glow, feeling every cell of her body explode with thousands of pretty lights. She was floating, basking in this love, her every nerve exposed, and her high was enough for Bobby to follow her over the edge.

All his fears and doubts, all those people saying it will never work because she was a woman – none of that mattered because it was pure love for her, his need to make sure she doesn’t repeat his mistake, to take care of her that made it so easy, _so natural_.

That time he slept with Lottie, he could barely remember it through the drunk haze. It was pure need for relief, nothing more. But now, it was something more, something bigger than himself - he was loved, so much that that love made somebody trust him completely. And there was nothing in the world that could be more important than this friendship, and there will never be, that much he knew.

Bobby collapsed on top of her, peppering kisses all over her face, and Alice wrapped her hands around her friend, holding him tight. She murmured into his neck and fell into a dreamless, peaceful sleep, knowing that when she wakes up, there will be a new life waiting for her – and Bobby will be forever a part of it. 


	23. Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little update: still story goes on hiatus until HoM and 10 days are fully published (and I’m not a complete whining mess wanting to delete everything and disappear).
> 
> Merry early Christmas to everyone who celebrate and I hope you like this cute little chapter 🎄

_Newcastle,_

_December 24, 2007_

“Bobby!” Charlotte stumbled into one of the boxes with Christmas decorations that no one thought of putting back in the attic.

“Whit?” the man walked down the stairs dressed in the most ridiculous Christmas sweater she’s ever seen.

“You were supposed to take this back upstairs a week ago when you set the tree up and said ‘okaaaay’ when I asked you not to leave the box here.”

Bobby screwed his face and waved his hand dismissively as he finally reached the bottom of the staircase and threw a bright-red fluffy sweater at the girl. Lottie stared at it in horror, realizing that this was her outfit for the night unless she wanted to hear Bobby’s whining until Easter. With a sigh, she pulled the monster of a clothing onto her tank-top and spread her arms.

“Well?” she asked knowing exactly how ridiculous she looked at that moment.

“Can I just say,” Priya’s voice became closer, and both girls stared at each other with the same expression when Priya descended on the coattails of Bobby.

For a second, a tense silence fell over them until Priya gave in first and let out a muffled chuckle that slowly turned into a fit of laughter. The pink-haired girl joined her a moment later, realizing that only Bobby was capable of dressing them all like characters of a bad family sitcom.

Charlotte grabbed the box and went up the stairs, and the other two followed to the kitchen where Alice and Chelsea were finishing decorating gingerbread cookies.

“Hey,” Bobby stopped next to his best friend and looked over her shoulder as she decorated the snowflake-shaped cookie. “Looking amaze, lassies.”

Both girls looked up with an undeniable look of disagreement on their faces: they were already wearing the same ugly sweaters as the others. Chelsea gave him a glance of her blood-red eyes and smiled weakly. Sober and not high for the first time in weeks, she looked a little ill, and Bobby gave her a worried look.

Now, after almost two months and Alice’s assurance that they were fine, he managed to leave the Halloween night behind and couldn’t help but feel concerned about the blonde.

Priya gracefully slid onto the barstool across the counter from her and fetched one of the glasses filled with mulled wine. Alice felt the older girl’s glance and lowered her eyes, her cheeks turning pink at the thought that Priya somehow learned about her kiss with Lucas… or about all those thoughts and dreams she had about him.

Alice reached awkwardly for her glass and almost knocked the plate with freshly decorated cookies off the table.

“Careful!” Bobby grabbed the plate at the last moment. “Ye okay?”

The girl nodded, avoiding looking at anyone, feeling relieved when Charlotte appeared in the doorway and called everyone to go to the living room and have their drinks and snacks there while watching a movie. She helped the pink-haired girl to load the serving tray hoping that she won’t knock something off if someone mentions Lucas’s name.

“Sae,” Bobby turned to Priya. “Is yer dick gonna join us tonight?”

She almost applauded herself as she kept hold of the large pitcher with mulled wine despite the fact that her entire body fired up just at the possibility of seeing the man. Priya rolled her eyes and retorted without expected aggression: “Is yours?”

Bobby grinned: “Actually, he is.”

“What?” Charlotte almost tripped over her feet. “And you’re only telling us now?”

“Sorry, Lo,” the man kissed her cheek. “A just didn’t want to jinx it.”

Lottie sized Alice with her eyes and sighed: “You knew.”

Alice nodded, forgetting about Lucas the same moment as her gaze met Bobby’s sparkling eyes. She’s heard so much about this mysterious Jake guy, she almost felt like she’d known him for years, not saw him briefly dance with Bobby at Wonderland many weeks ago. Her heart filled with warmth at the sight of Bobby’s happy smile, and she remembered the moment he told her about the new guy he’s been ‘seeing’ for the first time.

They were lying on her bed, the twinkling light of the fairy lights string spread over her bedpost was the only thing that lit up the room. Her best friend nuzzled into her hair and spoke softly, almost timidly, as if scared that saying the words louder might ruin everything. It was about a month ago, and ever since then, she was dying to finally meet the man who stole Bobby’s heart so obviously.

Bobby staggered back, catching Alice by the hand.

“Ye’v been quiet,” he noted.

“I…” the girl’s lips stretched in a soft, content smile. “I think I’m just happy and not sure what to do with it.”

It was her first Christmas with the people who loved her, who accepted her for what she was, and just wanted her to be well, nothing more. And the warm feeling in her chest caught her by surprise, she barely realized what it was before she said it out loud.

Bobby wrapped an arm around Alice’s waist and placed the gentlest kiss on her forehead, his heart filled both with excitement and sadness for his poor broken doll.

“We’ll figure it out,” he said quietly before they both joined everyone in the living room.

A tall, Blue Spruce tree wrapped in a glittery skirt stood just aside, sparkling with lights and ornaments, filling the entire space with the rich scent of pine and freshness, and _celebration_. Alice got closer to it as if to fix one of the glass snowflakes and let the aroma fill her lungs when they heard the knock on the door.

“I’ll get it,” she waved at Bobby who was ready to spring to his feet.

She walked to the door and flew it open, letting in the crisp scent of snow.

“Ho-ho-ho,” Lucas smirked at the girl, tilting his head to the side, and his blazing stare raised hundreds of goosebumps all over the girl’s body.

She rolled her eyes and stepped aside, inviting the man in, and he stopped in his tracks seeing everyone’s outfits.

“Dinnae worry,” Bobby smirked mercilessly. “A’ve got one especially for ye.”

“Don’t even try to argue with him,” Priya caught Lucas’ stare. “It’s commonly believed, that once a year he’s channeling whatever top abilities he has into making us wear ridiculous shit for God knows what reason.”

“A can top ye all year round, baby,” Bobby wiggled his eyebrows suggestively before dashing upstairs.

Lucas put his coat onto one of the hangers and turned around, catching Alice’s stare. She averted her gaze the same moment, and he chuckled softly moving past her to join Priya in the armchair when another knock on the door made everyone freeze, eyes wide in anticipation.

“What?” Lucas looked around. “Is that Santa?”

Lottie rolled her eyes, getting up from the pillow she threw on the high-pile rug to sit on.

Alice opened the door again, and a tall, dark-haired man smiled at her warmly.

“You must be Alice,” he said first, his voice calm and low.

“And you’re Jake,” something about this guy immediately crushed any reservations she might’ve had before. She couldn’t explain how, but she just knew that she could trust him to keep Bobby safe, and that was all she wanted. “Come in, everyone can’t wait to meet you.”

He stepped inside, and Charlotte immediately bombarded him with questions while Priya and Chelsea hung back, still listening to the interview curiously.

“A knew it’s better too many than too little…” Bobby’s voice cut short when he saw Jake, surrounded by his friends, and the Scot flew down the stairs.

They settled down, Jake and Lucas both wearing the same ugly sweaters as everyone else, and the conversation subsided as Bobby flipped the tv on.

“Love Actually?” Priya rolled her eyes. “The biggest cliché of all cliché Christmas movies.”

“Oi!” Bobby tutted. “As if ye dinnae tear up when Mark held up that sign…”

The quiet afternoon fell onto the room, as they watched the old, comforting movie that reminded every each of them of things they wanted but never had – or things that they hoped were lying ahead, maybe, in the new year…

Alice’s gaze traveled from Lucas’s arm around Priya’s shoulders to Lottie who started sobbing since minute three, to Chelsea whose face was unusually serious, as if her thoughts were far away from the warmth of their living room – and finally, fell onto Bobby and Jake. Both of them sat on the cushions, their backs resting against the couch.

Lottie wiped yet another tear off her cheek and bent over to grab a glass from Bobby’s hand, bottoming it in two large gulps.

“Are we out of mulled wine?”

“I’ll make some more,” Alice got to her feet and grabbed the pitcher.

In the kitchen, she could still hear the tv, and the air there smelled of oranges and spices, a comforting scent that made the girl wrap her arms around herself as she stared outside the window for a moment. Large, fluffy snowflakes were falling slowly onto the ground, sparkling in the streetlights and the shine of the moon, covering the earth with a soft blanket.

She turned on the stove and mixed two bottles of red wine, oranges, star anise, and cinnamon, added a splash of brandy, and closed the lid, waiting for the drink to simmer. She returned to gazing at the snowfall, imagining herself one of those flakes, so careless and free, flying wherever the wind takes it…

“Daydreaming?” Lucas’s low voice made her body shiver.

“Can you stop sneaking up on me?” Alice spun on her heels almost stumbling into the man.

“Would you want me to?” he cocked his eyebrow, and she felt a hot wave spreading through her body.

She hated his Cheshire grin when he saw the blush coloring her cheeks pink, and she hated how she couldn’t lie to even herself: she didn’t want him to stop because his closeness made every cell of her body tremble with excitement.

He stepped to her and put his hands on the sink on both sides of her, caging the girl between his strong arms, and she swallowed hard. Every time he was around, her skin flushed and her breath stuck in her throat, and her body couldn’t help but try and get closer, just like now, she had to press her lower back into the sink behind her firmly, avoiding his eyes.

Lucas chuckled and leaned even closer, knowing exactly what she was trying to do. He looked her up and down before speaking, his voice almost gentle.

“I see, you took my advice and stopped working yourself into oblivion?”

At the mention of her job, her body straightened a little, and Alice shrugged, not willing to discuss it. “You can say so.”

The change in her tone never passed by him, and Lucas tipped closer, his chest almost pressing into the girl’s now. He looked into her eyes until her face went bright red as she was unable to separate her thoughts of work from the memories of Kassam and what happened between them just over a week ago.

He could read her thoughts in her darkened grey eyes. “Don’t worry, darling, I don’t mind some competition,” his hot lips brushed her neck, and she had to clench her hands on the sink to keep standing.

His mouth trailed down her neck, nipped on the skin of her throat, went over her jawline, and stopped a breath away from her parted lips. “But for now, you’ve got things to tend to.”

The wine was almost overboiling, and the girl rushed to lower the heat, unsure if she would ever be able to get rid of the heat burning inside her body. She felt his presence with her back and took the time stirring the wine, just to escape looking into those smoldering eyes for a few more seconds.

“You want something or you just like hanging out in the kitchen?” she finally made herself turn to him and grabbed a knife to cut another orange.

“I figured I should give you your present earlier.”

She saw his darkened eyes and barely contained a gasp when he stepped behind her, his hands sliding up her thighs, his fingers digging into her skin through the black tights. Her heart jumped into her throat when one of his hands moved up and moved the hair out of her neck while another made its way to the inside of her thigh.

“Do you want it?” his breath ghosted behind her ear, sending small jolts of electricity all over her body.

He could feel the heat between her legs, she knew it, and somehow, instead of embarrassment, she felt arousal, so strong, she couldn’t fight it anymore. Maybe, it was hot wine, but she didn’t _want_ to fight it. He was in her dreams ever since the night she walked up on him naked in this kitchen – and she couldn’t find any reasons not to take him up for the offer.

She nodded, biting her lip, and his hand took a grip of her chin, making her look at him.

“Say it,” his eyes burned into her. “Say that you want it, sweet Alice.”

She swallowed hard, his words echoing with a pulse in her core.

“I-I want it…”

“It?”

“You,” she breathed out, and he took it as a signal to action, spreading her legs wider with his knee while his hand slid under her skirt

“I can feel that,” he murmured into her ear, sliding his hand into her tights. “So hot and wet.”

She couldn’t think straight, consumed by the sensation of his fingers sliding between slick folds, rubbing her clit almost sloppily. She moaned softly, bucking her hips into his touch, and the man moved his free hand to cover her mouth.

“I believe you still got things to do,” he used the hand on her face to tilt her head forward. “Don’t let me distract you.”

She wanted to ask him if he was for real but couldn’t talk with his hand pressed to her mouth. Awkwardly, she took hold of the knife and pressed it into the orange, cutting a messy slice.

“Try harder,” he whispered again. “You don’t want your friends to think you did a sloppy job, do you?”

With the words, he pushed his finger inside of her, and she almost cried into his palm, barely able to see anything at all. The spiral inside of her stomach coiled even tighter, setting her entire body ablaze as the man’s hand moved faster, bringing her closer to the edge. For each slice of orange she managed to cut properly, he rewarded her with a kiss on her neck and a curl of his finger inside of her, until she finished the job and dropped the knife onto the cutting board, closing her eyes as her insides started trembling.

He slid another finger inside of her, curling them upwards and circling her clit with his thumb, and the world around her exploded into a million pieces. The smell of wine and oranges mixed with the scent of her climax filled the air, kicking the breath out of her as she came hard on his hand, sucking him deep inside of her.

He guided her through her high, his hand moving slowly until she finally stopped trembling. He turned her around, her body still pliant in his arms, and took hold of her chin, making her meet his burning stare.

“Merry Christmas, Alice,” he pressed a deep, greedy kiss to her lips before he withdrew himself from her completely and gave her a usual grin. “Bet that wine will turn out _delicious_.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you like this story, leave comments and kudos, it means the world♥️
> 
> Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5aWH9ADmSk1jSFiuU3ircA?si=hT_m7pP8TXicMGF2VjYdDA


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